This was a blog we wrote two years ago and recent questions from people have encouraged me to find this and repost it.
this was written by Amelia but i have it admit my tweaking is in there also, this was before anyone knew about me.
when we were first diagnosed as a multiple the first things everyone set about to do was to pray it out of us. I can remember like yesterday going to some appointment that my previous T had set up with some other people and being told after this ministry that all was cured the demons/personalities had all gone, that i was no longer a multiple. I was so happy relieved thinking that my disorganised chaotic clothes appearing in the closet and toys i never bought and never would seeing i never had kids at the time it was all gone. The demons who had done all those things were gone. That my life would continue as it had never before and that all this time demons had been plaguing me and i was free at last.Then came the downfall it was the first time i had ever heard anyone inside a small voice little and scary for me said but im not gone and i am not a demon. I was in a friends car and i clutched the handle a train was going by i yanked at that door handle needing to get out needing to run in front of that passing train needing to k*ll myself. I was still possessed i was so bad so evil they wouldnt go, OMG what was so bad about me that the demons wouldnt go. Frantic i called the people who had done the lets just say exorcism and they organised a follow up then another and another and yet it still occurred.
Those demons wouldnt go and each time i was told it was my fault i wasnt doing things right i was doing it all wrong and so over time i learnt that it was indeed all my fault.I could hear my mum in my head saying you are revolting and ugly and you will never be free and here i was exactly as she said. So slowly i sank into a hole it was shortly afterwards that i swallowed over sixty sleeping tablets and paramedics worked to save my life, then after that was a series of overdose attempts one after the other. I figured if i was so demonised it would be better off being dead than possess other people with my own personal evilness. I didnt know this at the time but the damage was irreparable for some, but for me it was crushing never would someone like me fit into a church never accepted always seen as crazy or demonised.
I have a personal faith is God it is something i dont talk about dont share because im so afraid of chrisitians so afraid that they will try and exorcise me again that i tend to try and not make any long standing friendships with any christians. And by that i mean mainstream ones. And recently i made friends with someone who was and have learnt yet again deep down we are too hard to deal with. Youd think they would understand the struggle of someone coming out of ritual abuse but for some reason they cant/wont and i cant explain why but i know it hurts so much. I think its really hard for our T to understand why its so hard to get through to the littles about god and even us adults but for me its as simple as this, created by people using Jesus name in hatred and abuse and then told they dont exist by people using his name in love no wonder we dont get it:S
Amelia and Deshanti
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
a very curious discovery.
ok sometimes we make some startling discoveries despite what might seem so Chrystal clear for everyone else. For us the processing of important things takes us a little while longer, this one has taken us years to realise and yet in time it happened in only one week.
I felt truly beaten up by the church on Sunday that was a culmination in bible study and the hurtful comments by the leader, then finding out that our own pastor had told the two leaders about our multiplicity without prior discussion with me and lastly feeling pretty much like a little ant when asking to do something in the church. In fact that sunday took us back to how mum would make us feel that small and even though i got a apology from our pastor the hurt had already happened. After we had shed our tears and dried them up we made a wonderful discovery.
The church might not find us useful, important or up to their standard but guess what the rest of the world dont seem to mind us. I dont know why this hadnt dawned on us before but i think this blog might answer some of it. On the Monday we checked out he vegie garden at school and organised and appointment to see the Principal the end result we are now coordinator of the vegie garden with full support, the school will organise our working with children piece of paper, and even more amazing she heard our ideas for the community running of the garden with the grade six students then selling the vegies at market and the proceeds probably partially going toward the same foodbank that we offered to help out in at church that sunday. Even more crazy is she would like to sit with us and work out how we can do a once a month charity day to raise money for charities in our area. We are so excited but it also told us we mattered. this school didnt balk at us they didnt do anything but embrace our ideas and tenacity.
Then We were offered a position cooking for disadvantaged children in a group home at the beach near us, even more astounding was they have asked if we minded hanging out with the kids and mucking with them. To these people we mattered.
Then we also have been asked to help introduce new people to a drop in centre for people with mood disorders, to these people we mattered.
We sat through a fairly rigorous interview with a charity for fundraising adn have been offered a few available outcomes, in this case we mattered.
Ok all of these are volunteer roles and in fact they arent the only ones but each time we have been embraced with warmth and care. And it dawned on me whilst i have been sitting here wondering how i can matter make a difference feel worthwhile, whilst ive been hoping to find a place in church it is instead the community that we have found a niche. But that begs a far greater question if i matter without god what will god being in my life make anything matter more. You see ive been searching for god to make me feel i matter but as i have discovered i matter regardless so how would a relationship with god make that better, would it make any difference.
ive sat in church vulnerable and wanting familiarity with spirituality because of guilt over sams behaviour (previous blog) and to feel a connectedness with people who get that there is a spiritual world out there. And in all of that we have gone to church to seek acceptance, but as we have discovered acceptance from Christians is a rare find, we have found it in Noel in pastor smiles and a very few others, so that then begs the question how would accepting jesus make one ounce of a difference to me personally, if the same people who say they know him dont follow the same views of Jesus in acceptance. Discovering we matter has in fact freed us to finding out what adding this jesus to our life would accomplish and i think that might be the answer we have always been searching for, the rest has been probably our own smoke screen.
jip-etal
I felt truly beaten up by the church on Sunday that was a culmination in bible study and the hurtful comments by the leader, then finding out that our own pastor had told the two leaders about our multiplicity without prior discussion with me and lastly feeling pretty much like a little ant when asking to do something in the church. In fact that sunday took us back to how mum would make us feel that small and even though i got a apology from our pastor the hurt had already happened. After we had shed our tears and dried them up we made a wonderful discovery.
The church might not find us useful, important or up to their standard but guess what the rest of the world dont seem to mind us. I dont know why this hadnt dawned on us before but i think this blog might answer some of it. On the Monday we checked out he vegie garden at school and organised and appointment to see the Principal the end result we are now coordinator of the vegie garden with full support, the school will organise our working with children piece of paper, and even more amazing she heard our ideas for the community running of the garden with the grade six students then selling the vegies at market and the proceeds probably partially going toward the same foodbank that we offered to help out in at church that sunday. Even more crazy is she would like to sit with us and work out how we can do a once a month charity day to raise money for charities in our area. We are so excited but it also told us we mattered. this school didnt balk at us they didnt do anything but embrace our ideas and tenacity.
Then We were offered a position cooking for disadvantaged children in a group home at the beach near us, even more astounding was they have asked if we minded hanging out with the kids and mucking with them. To these people we mattered.
Then we also have been asked to help introduce new people to a drop in centre for people with mood disorders, to these people we mattered.
We sat through a fairly rigorous interview with a charity for fundraising adn have been offered a few available outcomes, in this case we mattered.
Ok all of these are volunteer roles and in fact they arent the only ones but each time we have been embraced with warmth and care. And it dawned on me whilst i have been sitting here wondering how i can matter make a difference feel worthwhile, whilst ive been hoping to find a place in church it is instead the community that we have found a niche. But that begs a far greater question if i matter without god what will god being in my life make anything matter more. You see ive been searching for god to make me feel i matter but as i have discovered i matter regardless so how would a relationship with god make that better, would it make any difference.
ive sat in church vulnerable and wanting familiarity with spirituality because of guilt over sams behaviour (previous blog) and to feel a connectedness with people who get that there is a spiritual world out there. And in all of that we have gone to church to seek acceptance, but as we have discovered acceptance from Christians is a rare find, we have found it in Noel in pastor smiles and a very few others, so that then begs the question how would accepting jesus make one ounce of a difference to me personally, if the same people who say they know him dont follow the same views of Jesus in acceptance. Discovering we matter has in fact freed us to finding out what adding this jesus to our life would accomplish and i think that might be the answer we have always been searching for, the rest has been probably our own smoke screen.
jip-etal
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Is this our new therapist?
Today we saw a new therapist whom we will nickname for the blog Rachel. Now this week has been a week of interesting therapy outcomes. But before i say that i guess i want to address some of the things that we find hard in therapy and why jane and us in the end didnt work.
part of our background is devastatingly indescribable filth of abuse. Some of it defys imagination because imagination went out of the window and was replaced by pure evil. Some of our abuse wasnt by humans so the memories we share are graphic and repulsive in nature because they done by nothing less than demonic. But whatever we say in whatever form we say it gross or otherwise you can be sure is true, and this is where i believe Jane fell down. Jane is a brilliant therapist she helped us tremendously until that is we told a story that horrified and terrified her in its complexity and truth, and she freaked out. Immediately not wanting to think such thing about any other human being could be true she compartmentalised our story into a way that she didnt have to believe it thus pushing us back into a corner of silence.
She became afraid and fear took over. Jane in effect became her own worst enemy because she stopped doing therapy with us long before she said the words, we in turn knew after her words of "maybe it wasnt as bad as you thought it was" that our time with her was limited. The truth of working with people like us is if tis hard for you to hear imagine how hard it was for us living through it. Ritual abuse is supposed to be icky and ucky and degrading revolting because that is the nature of the god they follow. For jane she had to find a reason why it wasnt true and so started to try and find a flaw in our story, unable to find one that satisfied her she turned to sarcastic comments to hurt us instead. This didnt do anything but remove us from any future commitment to therapy with her and thus since April therapy with Jane effectively has ceased.
But we are sick of this stop start approach to therapy and in fact for a while there thought we might as well give up on the idea completely, but perseverance is one of our strongest characters. So we saw Jane on Tuesday for a sort of interim until we find soemone appointment and yesterday we saw Mr wonka. Now as you know Mr Wonka at the last session we had showed some direct interest in working with us more protective alters. This was interesting as he had not shown that before, yesterday we asked him why and he said he felt we were had shown movement toward not being so protective and so he thought whilst we were open he would ask some questions. Yesterday he openly let us know that he would like to work with us as a system and showed keen interest in wanting to learn anything that might be good for him to read or understand. He never once made us feel inferior and when we mentioned the cult he nodded like he understood and thats half the battle of talking not having some judging you but even if they dont understand trying to work out how they can. Its called respect. We need to be heard and believed its important to us, after years of being told no one will believe you we need to know what we say no matter how horrible or foul will be believed.
But what we found even more interesting was that jane had in effect informed us that mr wonka had not indicated he wanted to do any work with us other than grounding work. When in fact mr wonka had never had a conversation with Jane for a long time, Jane had in effect decided what mr wonka wanted. So knowing that and knowing we were seeing the new therapist today we were stuck in a delimna. Would mr wonka be open to this time actually sitting and working out how two therapist could equally give us therapy. Of course he was very open to it. In fact acknowledging that we needed both a male psych and female therapist and perhaps that could work better for us.
So today we meet with the new therapist rachel. First impressions she is very quiet, very attentive and a thinker. The first therapist apart from Mr wonka to ask what we needed from therapy, and whats even more encouraging is she listened. She wasnt overawed by our diagnosis or by the degree of abuse not that we told her much but sat and listened and when we talked about not making our D.I.D the soul reason for therapy she understood that. Often for us our diagnosis has become the focus in therapy and not whats going on in the rest of our lives. Rachel unlike Jane will see us weekly and understands our need for more regular therapy. I am hopeful she might be ok but future sessions will only sort that out. She also likes and appreciates the need for our blog but will not intrude onto it but has asked for any blogs that will help her understand us, this is a good start. And lastly as we left we said to her we will bring the blog we write about meeting you there are a lot of people in blog land waiting to hear, she laughed and said ooh ive got an audience already and she laughed and said good i cant wait to read it, in my mind telling me she is comfortable in who she is.
Sa'de
part of our background is devastatingly indescribable filth of abuse. Some of it defys imagination because imagination went out of the window and was replaced by pure evil. Some of our abuse wasnt by humans so the memories we share are graphic and repulsive in nature because they done by nothing less than demonic. But whatever we say in whatever form we say it gross or otherwise you can be sure is true, and this is where i believe Jane fell down. Jane is a brilliant therapist she helped us tremendously until that is we told a story that horrified and terrified her in its complexity and truth, and she freaked out. Immediately not wanting to think such thing about any other human being could be true she compartmentalised our story into a way that she didnt have to believe it thus pushing us back into a corner of silence.
She became afraid and fear took over. Jane in effect became her own worst enemy because she stopped doing therapy with us long before she said the words, we in turn knew after her words of "maybe it wasnt as bad as you thought it was" that our time with her was limited. The truth of working with people like us is if tis hard for you to hear imagine how hard it was for us living through it. Ritual abuse is supposed to be icky and ucky and degrading revolting because that is the nature of the god they follow. For jane she had to find a reason why it wasnt true and so started to try and find a flaw in our story, unable to find one that satisfied her she turned to sarcastic comments to hurt us instead. This didnt do anything but remove us from any future commitment to therapy with her and thus since April therapy with Jane effectively has ceased.
But we are sick of this stop start approach to therapy and in fact for a while there thought we might as well give up on the idea completely, but perseverance is one of our strongest characters. So we saw Jane on Tuesday for a sort of interim until we find soemone appointment and yesterday we saw Mr wonka. Now as you know Mr Wonka at the last session we had showed some direct interest in working with us more protective alters. This was interesting as he had not shown that before, yesterday we asked him why and he said he felt we were had shown movement toward not being so protective and so he thought whilst we were open he would ask some questions. Yesterday he openly let us know that he would like to work with us as a system and showed keen interest in wanting to learn anything that might be good for him to read or understand. He never once made us feel inferior and when we mentioned the cult he nodded like he understood and thats half the battle of talking not having some judging you but even if they dont understand trying to work out how they can. Its called respect. We need to be heard and believed its important to us, after years of being told no one will believe you we need to know what we say no matter how horrible or foul will be believed.
But what we found even more interesting was that jane had in effect informed us that mr wonka had not indicated he wanted to do any work with us other than grounding work. When in fact mr wonka had never had a conversation with Jane for a long time, Jane had in effect decided what mr wonka wanted. So knowing that and knowing we were seeing the new therapist today we were stuck in a delimna. Would mr wonka be open to this time actually sitting and working out how two therapist could equally give us therapy. Of course he was very open to it. In fact acknowledging that we needed both a male psych and female therapist and perhaps that could work better for us.
So today we meet with the new therapist rachel. First impressions she is very quiet, very attentive and a thinker. The first therapist apart from Mr wonka to ask what we needed from therapy, and whats even more encouraging is she listened. She wasnt overawed by our diagnosis or by the degree of abuse not that we told her much but sat and listened and when we talked about not making our D.I.D the soul reason for therapy she understood that. Often for us our diagnosis has become the focus in therapy and not whats going on in the rest of our lives. Rachel unlike Jane will see us weekly and understands our need for more regular therapy. I am hopeful she might be ok but future sessions will only sort that out. She also likes and appreciates the need for our blog but will not intrude onto it but has asked for any blogs that will help her understand us, this is a good start. And lastly as we left we said to her we will bring the blog we write about meeting you there are a lot of people in blog land waiting to hear, she laughed and said ooh ive got an audience already and she laughed and said good i cant wait to read it, in my mind telling me she is comfortable in who she is.
Sa'de
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
strange phobias and things about us
Well well well sometimes in the midst of what seems not good good is there. It seems our therapy issue has been somewhat resolved with what we think is great results. we will write more tomorrow or the next day because we are seeing a new therapist who may also be in the picture. We have also some exciting news regarding work and the vegie garden at school, but again will do a bigger blog when all of this has been finalised. Instead i thought we would do a bit of a blog about some more bizarre and interesting things about us and our multiplicity.
This is also a good introduction to take to our next therapy appointment.
We are terrified of masks, in fact to the point of hysteria, what is interesting is not the phobia but how it has increased over the years to be such a issue. A few years ago before we moved to hell we didnt have this fear as we lived in hell this fear started to take over until now its so bad our kids cant wear masks and actually start ti flip if we even see a mask.
We actually start vomiting when we hear a cat crunching of a dead animal. In fact it is so involuntary that we are vomiting before we even realise we are. The sound setting off a physical reaction but no emotional one.
We are afraid of getting bogged. In fact so afraid we refuse to drive down any dirt roads after its been raining. We have no clue why we have this phobia except we do have a feeling it has to do with mud and being trapped and sinking.
We have some alters wh0 can only read a book upside down and back the front.
Our eyes have been known to change colour depending on what alter is out.
One alter talks to deeply like a male we have sometimes been mistaken for being one.
We have gone into anaphaltic shock because an alter has been out allergic to a medication.
We have a bizarrely bad reaction to anti depressants, making non depressed alters depressed, depressed alters feeling well, little alters sick and sleepy and for some bizarre reason teen alters suicidal.
We cant speak a word of german yet one alter can understand it.
We have a fascination with WW2 and the concentration camps and truly believe some of our healing will only occur when we go visit those places in person, although we have no full understanding of why only a few limited memories of why this might be so.
We are phobic about people falling down after being prayed for in church we have had to stifle to scream in our throat.
Some alters enjoy reading gravestones and walking through cemeteries.
We have recently been placed on a 12 month no speeding or we lose our licence because of some alters driving like they are in the grand prix.
We cant go anywhere without knowing where our keys and phone and mobile are, even in the middle of the night sometimes waking from a dead sleep to go check they are where we thought they were.
Most of us dont like chocolate, coffee or ice cream.
But all of us love our PASSION POP.
Jip-etal
This is also a good introduction to take to our next therapy appointment.
We are terrified of masks, in fact to the point of hysteria, what is interesting is not the phobia but how it has increased over the years to be such a issue. A few years ago before we moved to hell we didnt have this fear as we lived in hell this fear started to take over until now its so bad our kids cant wear masks and actually start ti flip if we even see a mask.
We actually start vomiting when we hear a cat crunching of a dead animal. In fact it is so involuntary that we are vomiting before we even realise we are. The sound setting off a physical reaction but no emotional one.
We are afraid of getting bogged. In fact so afraid we refuse to drive down any dirt roads after its been raining. We have no clue why we have this phobia except we do have a feeling it has to do with mud and being trapped and sinking.
We have some alters wh0 can only read a book upside down and back the front.
Our eyes have been known to change colour depending on what alter is out.
One alter talks to deeply like a male we have sometimes been mistaken for being one.
We have gone into anaphaltic shock because an alter has been out allergic to a medication.
We have a bizarrely bad reaction to anti depressants, making non depressed alters depressed, depressed alters feeling well, little alters sick and sleepy and for some bizarre reason teen alters suicidal.
We cant speak a word of german yet one alter can understand it.
We have a fascination with WW2 and the concentration camps and truly believe some of our healing will only occur when we go visit those places in person, although we have no full understanding of why only a few limited memories of why this might be so.
We are phobic about people falling down after being prayed for in church we have had to stifle to scream in our throat.
Some alters enjoy reading gravestones and walking through cemeteries.
We have recently been placed on a 12 month no speeding or we lose our licence because of some alters driving like they are in the grand prix.
We cant go anywhere without knowing where our keys and phone and mobile are, even in the middle of the night sometimes waking from a dead sleep to go check they are where we thought they were.
Most of us dont like chocolate, coffee or ice cream.
But all of us love our PASSION POP.
Jip-etal
Monday, July 13, 2009
Church and us
today we received an apology from pastor smiles for any hurt we received, and will meet with him on Wednesday for a follow up and discussion, i appreciate his continual input in showing us Christianity. I also appreciate all of you for all of your comments it seems our church journey is impacting a lot of you. So today we received a comment regarding our church journey and the comment was "why do we continually place ourselves in a position of being hurt over and over again".
I think its a good question. we continually search for Christianity and the church because of our guilt. I want to so make what Sam did wrong right. Heres an explanation.
Heres some of our story.
As you know we have a degree in youth work, a degree i have no memory of receiving. For four years we attended bible college, we achieved high scores and for two of those years we majored in youth ministry. But i have no memory bar a few moments of ever attending one lesson. And the truth is because i never attended one lesson Sam mostly attended them all. So hare i am sitting in church a ministry degree behind me and no way of knowing fucking anything. I do know out of the eighteen students only one remains in ministry.
On top of that is the numerous churches we attended that now struggle for life. Sam sucked life out of everything.
And now we sit in our new church and we are prepared to face all words all hatred all anything to make up for sams mistakes. We arent worthy to go to the front for prayer, we have no worthiness of ever entering in gods kingdom, we face what we deserve in our penance. We want to give an give an give to the church for all sams mistakes for all shes done wrong, we have to make it right.
When we get beaten we can only acknowledge its what we deserve for all that sam brought on them. If we can do good maybe god can forgive us. it might not make sense to you but sam hurt a whole lotta good people whatever we get in a bag of punches is only what we deserve isnt that after all karma.
Does that mean we dont cry when people find god hell no we cry because we know it isnt ever going to be possible for us, but we want to make what sam did wrong so right we want to produce life in what we do, even if we know we cant achieve the Jesus life , we want to just say sorry the only way we know how.................................
but then we are curious as to what was studied for nearly four years and a hunger for the bible having recently spent some time reading the old testament its all pretty cool, and they talk about sex and wars and sin and life pretty openly, you should check it out its pretty raunchy.........
and what if after we have done our penance we can be forgiven and find peace......
this is why we keep trying
I think its a good question. we continually search for Christianity and the church because of our guilt. I want to so make what Sam did wrong right. Heres an explanation.
Heres some of our story.
As you know we have a degree in youth work, a degree i have no memory of receiving. For four years we attended bible college, we achieved high scores and for two of those years we majored in youth ministry. But i have no memory bar a few moments of ever attending one lesson. And the truth is because i never attended one lesson Sam mostly attended them all. So hare i am sitting in church a ministry degree behind me and no way of knowing fucking anything. I do know out of the eighteen students only one remains in ministry.
On top of that is the numerous churches we attended that now struggle for life. Sam sucked life out of everything.
And now we sit in our new church and we are prepared to face all words all hatred all anything to make up for sams mistakes. We arent worthy to go to the front for prayer, we have no worthiness of ever entering in gods kingdom, we face what we deserve in our penance. We want to give an give an give to the church for all sams mistakes for all shes done wrong, we have to make it right.
When we get beaten we can only acknowledge its what we deserve for all that sam brought on them. If we can do good maybe god can forgive us. it might not make sense to you but sam hurt a whole lotta good people whatever we get in a bag of punches is only what we deserve isnt that after all karma.
Does that mean we dont cry when people find god hell no we cry because we know it isnt ever going to be possible for us, but we want to make what sam did wrong so right we want to produce life in what we do, even if we know we cant achieve the Jesus life , we want to just say sorry the only way we know how.................................
but then we are curious as to what was studied for nearly four years and a hunger for the bible having recently spent some time reading the old testament its all pretty cool, and they talk about sex and wars and sin and life pretty openly, you should check it out its pretty raunchy.........
and what if after we have done our penance we can be forgiven and find peace......
this is why we keep trying
Sunday, July 12, 2009
hurt and bewlidered
The sermon today was on ask seek and knock, so we decided to take the plunge and approach the food bank team and ask if we could help them out. So here is how the story went.
We ask one team leader if we can help at foodbank she hesitates and says well the co coordinator isnt back until next week, then obviously nervous grabs another team leader who also moves from foot to foot umming and aaaing like im some freaking clown. they said we will need to see and i said in a panic does that mean i cant join and they ummed and aaaed again as im swallowing a lump forming in my throat. I said look how hard can it be i stack shelves and help out and they are obviously not enthused with my offer whatsoever. No smiles of hey awesome yey its good to have another pair of hands all i saw was suspicion in their eyes. I asked if their was an interview process starting to panic a bit and they wouldnt answer.
Suddenly along came another team leader who totally disregarded me standing there and broke into the conversation and talked what he wanted whilst the other two turned their back on me answering his question. Im standing their like a leper and a freak, starting to feel pretty distressed finally the other team leader realising i hadnt gone starts to walk away meanwhile i keep asking look please just tell me what i have to do, and shes still walking whilst telling me to be here at such and such a time and i can see how things are operated and we will take it from there, almost like i will find a way to not let you do this.
I managed to grocery shop without crying, finally on the way home had to call Noel because this week i see the new therapist and hes coming and as im talking i tell him how i will be doing this and this and hes like getting excited for us cause hes read the blog and then we burst into tears and said Noel why do Christians hate us. And he hears the same story ive written here and by now im bawling and driving and have to pull over and i kept saying i know we did bad at bible study is this how Christians continue to punish you to get revenge? Has word got out that we are so bad we arent allowed to do anything anymore in church, and im crying and saying we didnt do bad this time why then were we left feeling so damn bad.
Noel kept saying its not you its them you scare them you have a fight in you that frightens people, he kept saying they dont know what skills you have and how amazing they are and we started crying more going but if we arent given a chance then how will they know. And i kept crying and saying each time Ive been to food bank people have sat in chairs and waited in turn but they are stuck in their misery you can see it on their faces, there is no one sitting with them impacting or caring they after their interview sit there and all we want to do is sit with them maybe making a pot of soup and letting them know they matter. I am so upset guys ive cried whilst writing this and feel about as big as an ant crawling ion the ground. This has actually knocked us about, no wonder we dont want to know people outside of what we have to because the people we just saw suck big time.
Thalia
We ask one team leader if we can help at foodbank she hesitates and says well the co coordinator isnt back until next week, then obviously nervous grabs another team leader who also moves from foot to foot umming and aaaing like im some freaking clown. they said we will need to see and i said in a panic does that mean i cant join and they ummed and aaaed again as im swallowing a lump forming in my throat. I said look how hard can it be i stack shelves and help out and they are obviously not enthused with my offer whatsoever. No smiles of hey awesome yey its good to have another pair of hands all i saw was suspicion in their eyes. I asked if their was an interview process starting to panic a bit and they wouldnt answer.
Suddenly along came another team leader who totally disregarded me standing there and broke into the conversation and talked what he wanted whilst the other two turned their back on me answering his question. Im standing their like a leper and a freak, starting to feel pretty distressed finally the other team leader realising i hadnt gone starts to walk away meanwhile i keep asking look please just tell me what i have to do, and shes still walking whilst telling me to be here at such and such a time and i can see how things are operated and we will take it from there, almost like i will find a way to not let you do this.
I managed to grocery shop without crying, finally on the way home had to call Noel because this week i see the new therapist and hes coming and as im talking i tell him how i will be doing this and this and hes like getting excited for us cause hes read the blog and then we burst into tears and said Noel why do Christians hate us. And he hears the same story ive written here and by now im bawling and driving and have to pull over and i kept saying i know we did bad at bible study is this how Christians continue to punish you to get revenge? Has word got out that we are so bad we arent allowed to do anything anymore in church, and im crying and saying we didnt do bad this time why then were we left feeling so damn bad.
Noel kept saying its not you its them you scare them you have a fight in you that frightens people, he kept saying they dont know what skills you have and how amazing they are and we started crying more going but if we arent given a chance then how will they know. And i kept crying and saying each time Ive been to food bank people have sat in chairs and waited in turn but they are stuck in their misery you can see it on their faces, there is no one sitting with them impacting or caring they after their interview sit there and all we want to do is sit with them maybe making a pot of soup and letting them know they matter. I am so upset guys ive cried whilst writing this and feel about as big as an ant crawling ion the ground. This has actually knocked us about, no wonder we dont want to know people outside of what we have to because the people we just saw suck big time.
Thalia
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Amelia and me the war waged within.... part two....
To understand this blog you need to see this one here http://lifespacings.blogspot.com/2009/07/amelia-and-me-war-waged-within-part-one.html
I never recognised that it was my body i was attacking in my mind because of how my parents had separated amelia and i it was like we had two different bodies and i was attacking hers.
For those who dont understand Amelia is an internal split along with me, she is not my outside sis
In fact my mind was so separated from any idea that Amelia in order to be in the same place i was was also in the same place to start with in the first split. But what i saw was who I didnt want to become. While Amelia studied hard i rebelled smoking, drinking, drugs, sex, parties, telling teachers to fuck off, i spent most of my secondary schooling outside the classroom than ever in it. Maintaining much to the teachers annoyance good grades with no teaching.
After realising in about year eight that nothing i ever did was going to be good enough i spent most of year nine away from school, the result phenomenal reports because Amelia was the perfect student. I still have the reports and people who read them see the words "i can hardly believe this is the same student", "is this the same student", maturity beyond words. Quite a joke compared to the year before of rude, outlandish rebellious, unteachable etc etc, and still no one recognised what was going on.
For years i kept right behind Amelia slowly torturing her, and i kept that up no one knew i was around well not on the outside, it was mon who found me out. I got too cocky and started to not cover myself up so much, and it took her a while but eventually she twigged that someone else was right behind Amelia slowly torturing her from the inside. Now to say i hated mon was and is and understatement, i refused to work with her and found her an obnoxious know it all christian with an attitide of self righteousness beyond compare. Hating her with a passion even more when the internal castle fell because of her interference. I didnt believe that it was by accident and i can remember letting all abandon go by telling her exactly what i thought of her.
But for some reason unlike most others apart from Sa'de and Josie mon didnt let it slide she over a year plugged away at me interested and alert to how to help me. I still have no idea what made me so interesting to her except perhaps one thing the fact that im the original split. What i found even more refreshing was she seemed to like having a go at Amelia as much as me and so she got me onside. I talked ot her and started to trust her and i can truly say its because of the work she did with me that i am who i am today, she really did help me, does that mean i like her hell no i still think shes a very very smart acting fool of a woman, and her oops it was a accident i probably have very little chance of believing but she did help me.
But as I got help Amelia started to slide downwards, almost like a spiral of if one gets better the other gets worse. In the end Amelia was so terrified of me that if i said boo she would curl up and hide i remember one day she kept mumbling over and over please dont let mon near me please dont let mon near me, i turned and said why and she just kept saying this crazy little prayer, a week later Amelia overdosed and nearly took our life, and mon had been near her. Twp days later we fled from the cult and for our life.
I hadnt paid much attention to amelia when we moved i couldnt have cared less about her, in fact Sa'de cared more than me, but i had noticed that as Amelias depression lifted so my hatred of her lifted, as she calmed my anger toward her calmed as she started therapy i started caring about her therapy. When she sat with pastor smiles one day and i believe got a touch from god somehow i got touched too. Since leaving where we lived since ceasing much connection with any family since ceasing therapy with mon i have noticed that my relationship with Amelia has softened, she is as much as a victim as i was. But I also notice that with me unlike Amelia i want so much because had nothing and she wants for nothing because she had enough. Whatever the cult did to us Ive yet to discover but i do know that our first moments on this earth were not of a normal birth so no wonder we find ti hard to understand each other.
Deshanti
I never recognised that it was my body i was attacking in my mind because of how my parents had separated amelia and i it was like we had two different bodies and i was attacking hers.
For those who dont understand Amelia is an internal split along with me, she is not my outside sis
In fact my mind was so separated from any idea that Amelia in order to be in the same place i was was also in the same place to start with in the first split. But what i saw was who I didnt want to become. While Amelia studied hard i rebelled smoking, drinking, drugs, sex, parties, telling teachers to fuck off, i spent most of my secondary schooling outside the classroom than ever in it. Maintaining much to the teachers annoyance good grades with no teaching.
After realising in about year eight that nothing i ever did was going to be good enough i spent most of year nine away from school, the result phenomenal reports because Amelia was the perfect student. I still have the reports and people who read them see the words "i can hardly believe this is the same student", "is this the same student", maturity beyond words. Quite a joke compared to the year before of rude, outlandish rebellious, unteachable etc etc, and still no one recognised what was going on.
For years i kept right behind Amelia slowly torturing her, and i kept that up no one knew i was around well not on the outside, it was mon who found me out. I got too cocky and started to not cover myself up so much, and it took her a while but eventually she twigged that someone else was right behind Amelia slowly torturing her from the inside. Now to say i hated mon was and is and understatement, i refused to work with her and found her an obnoxious know it all christian with an attitide of self righteousness beyond compare. Hating her with a passion even more when the internal castle fell because of her interference. I didnt believe that it was by accident and i can remember letting all abandon go by telling her exactly what i thought of her.
But for some reason unlike most others apart from Sa'de and Josie mon didnt let it slide she over a year plugged away at me interested and alert to how to help me. I still have no idea what made me so interesting to her except perhaps one thing the fact that im the original split. What i found even more refreshing was she seemed to like having a go at Amelia as much as me and so she got me onside. I talked ot her and started to trust her and i can truly say its because of the work she did with me that i am who i am today, she really did help me, does that mean i like her hell no i still think shes a very very smart acting fool of a woman, and her oops it was a accident i probably have very little chance of believing but she did help me.
But as I got help Amelia started to slide downwards, almost like a spiral of if one gets better the other gets worse. In the end Amelia was so terrified of me that if i said boo she would curl up and hide i remember one day she kept mumbling over and over please dont let mon near me please dont let mon near me, i turned and said why and she just kept saying this crazy little prayer, a week later Amelia overdosed and nearly took our life, and mon had been near her. Twp days later we fled from the cult and for our life.
I hadnt paid much attention to amelia when we moved i couldnt have cared less about her, in fact Sa'de cared more than me, but i had noticed that as Amelias depression lifted so my hatred of her lifted, as she calmed my anger toward her calmed as she started therapy i started caring about her therapy. When she sat with pastor smiles one day and i believe got a touch from god somehow i got touched too. Since leaving where we lived since ceasing much connection with any family since ceasing therapy with mon i have noticed that my relationship with Amelia has softened, she is as much as a victim as i was. But I also notice that with me unlike Amelia i want so much because had nothing and she wants for nothing because she had enough. Whatever the cult did to us Ive yet to discover but i do know that our first moments on this earth were not of a normal birth so no wonder we find ti hard to understand each other.
Deshanti
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
