Saturday, February 04, 2012


On tuesday I cooked for food bank unbeknowns to them it was my last day. I cooked an amazing meal of roast pork, corned beef and chicken, potatoes in duck fat and carrot sauteed in honey, corm and bean bakes with a drizzle of pork fat over them gravy on the menu also. It was my last hurrah id given three months of cooking for food bank which was attached by the church i used to attend. I got no reimbursement by my own request i paid for all meals myself, this was my gift to the church to the people who came through. This was my donation.,

So yesterday whilst i was delivering a meal to someone who worked at a opp shop after feeding all people at church (over 25). On my return my daughter was clutching her arm and my kids screaming they had a seen a snake, a snake was actually a copperhead one of the most poisonous in Australia, no kids bitten but my daughters arm was not looking great. She had sat on seat that should have been screwed down and it wasnt and she went over crunching her wrist on the impact. I rushed her to the docs an xray was taken the result inconclusive. I fill out an incident report at church and go home daughters arm strapped.

today a day later i get a call from the docs please get your daughter here fast, result missy moos arm broke completely and utterly broke. I contact pastor he is very formal no how is she no nothing. Three times today the pastor was giving me formal details on where to send bill etc etc but never once asked how she was. What sort o pastor doesnt even care if his 11 year old parishioner is ok a pastor who is wrong wrong wrong.


Ive fucking had it


Rituals and posession

You know its funny we have spent quite a lot of time steering somewhat clear of the Ritual Abuse issue. Perhaps we have felt avoidance means that it might go away, perhaps after mons barbaric treatment of fact finding we have been careful to avoid many things. but after now six months with Rachel (wow it has really been that long) we have been facing the hardest challenges of all, facing the rituals that split us in the first place.

Three weeks ago we started with Christine talking about being buried, from there was an escalation of alters who symbolically all names have started with Christ to todays crescendo. A week ago we asked our trusted friend Noel to join us for this session. There were a few reasons for this, Noel is and has been a wonderful supporter and has been present for many therapy session previously with Jane, but he is also a pastor and we felt that both his journey with us and his understanding of the bible might be useful for this session.

Today's session very much showed the barbaric nature of Satanists in their top form. Its stooped below humanity and showed that human hatred stems beyond even our own realms. Today was one of those moments but it was something so much more it showed the splitting of one alter to another whose innocence was completely gone.

This is how it goes One alter was forced to do something that she didnt want to, to do. Her mind was saying no her lips were saying no but as in any ritual choice isnt an option. At that precise moment when she did as they asked the instant split took place, she even said she felt something overcome her and felt bad inside. Her feet left the ground and the group was cheering, her innocent voice and her fear even in todays session was apparent. She didnt understand what was happening to her, the black figure who had held her hand seconds before and was a real person had said he wouldnt protect her if she didnt do this gruesome deed, she did and now she was floating in the air. She is still talking to Rachel her scared innocent fearful voice and in that one instant BANG

The split had taken place, a dominant carefully cold and composed six year old emerged, innocence lost completely shattered, her cold voice describes the cleanup in accurate and non committal detail, the whole crux of the ritual had been successful the alter they needed had been created. Perfection. She is true to the darkness but understands that there is light, she is not a perfected model, she is the cults experiment, later on we know that sam became their perfected model. But for that one moment for us today we truly understood the moment where innocence was lost.

For years and years that same scenario would take place over and over again , but its raw jagged edges today as we ponder the enormity of such a painful memory coupled with the enormity of how brokenness is its completeness is so sickening we ponder also on Rachel's words after hearing this ritual today THERE ARE NO ENEMIES INTHIS ROOM YOU ARE ALL VICTIMS. And after all those years of hearing how evil we are when we started talking about these horrific rituals I know that unbeknown to her the system knew then that we were indeed on a journey to complete healing.

Lightening and Johnny

We dont want her to go to ground either.

Next monday its our birthday and co inciding with that is a test and prac test but also close by sits Easter. Now easter like every year for the last many many years of our life sits and alter whose pain lies in the terrible torment of Easter gone by.

Every year she starts saying at this time of year i dont want to go to ground. Each year we know what this means its means she doesnt want to be buried in the ground. Each year she pleads for it to get better, so that she cant hear the thump on the box as dirt is thrown on top of her box, the smell the heat the terror and finally the last breath as she fails to take it. Each year we hope this year will be better this year will be a year she wont remember, each year we hear the same thing I dont want to go to ground.

For this six year old she knows she isnt really going to ground but in her memories her flashbacks her pain she is going there. As she lay on the floor at therapy today with Rachel she felt herself going back there, she did all that mr wonka had shown her but alas the pain of the memory unhealed is far too great for her to handle. She relives this terrible place each year. And as we sat humbled on the floor talking to rachel we knew something.

Unless we start getting healing for these littles and stop playing everything is ok then each year this six year old will go to ground in her nightmares. So fearful have we been to make sure therapy and even the therapist isnt mon we are stunting our own therapy growth for fear it might end up like mon. Today as i told rachel what she was doing was helping i also knew something else we have to allow rachel to do her job and help us, thats what she does for a living she helps people so i know what to do and i know that in order for Rachel and mr wonka to really help us we have to let go and let them do their work. I need this six year old to know that going to ground isnt an option now in the future, and i know that both mr wonka and Rachel can help her in that, its time for us to let them.


The result of the phone call to may father over my sisters request *****swearing involved*****

So i get a phone call last night from our father who says hes lost our sisters phone number and could he have it only to find he found it before i could hand it over. I rolled my eyes and went oh yeh. Then i get a text from my sister saying hed contacted her and had decided that at this point he could not help her. I ring her and said so tell me what he said and she said that he was sorry for her plight but he was in position to help her. Then she burst into tears and couldnt stop, so rather than deal with a hysterical sister i told her to hang five and id call her back. So i called him and asked what his decision was.

He said that he had just come back from overseas (again for the ninth time this past two years) and he didnt have any money and he was simply a poor pensioner who at this present time couldnt help her. He also said that he felt he didnt want to do anything because she hasnt spoken to him until recently. That he was only just reforming a relationship between her and him and wasnt comfortable lending that sort of money.

I coldly told him that i was very aware of the relationships he had had with my sister which had effectively forced her to remove himself from his care which he baulked at and i hung up.

I got off the phone and immediately rang marg and the conversation went a bit like this. POOR FUCKING PENSIONER SHIT ARSE MOTHER FUCKER SHIT HOLE BASTARD, POOR MY ARSE, PEDOPHILIC NUTCASE WHO SOLD HIS DAUGHTERS TO PAY FOR HIS JUNKETS AND HE CANT EVEN BUY MY SISTER BREASTS, FUCK HIM FUCK HIM FUCK HIM FUCK HIM, and so it went on . Marg then calmed us down and i told her i had to get back to my sister who was waiting for a phone call.

I then called her and told her sue the bastard thsi time i will stand by you, take the paedophilia arsehole bastard to court and get your money that way. But i know that she is far too weak physically for that to happen. But i want revenge i want him to have his breasts removed and have no one to help pay for them i want him to PAY. But i realised i wanted him to pay for the years of subjected abuse either by him or by allowing mum to torture us, he is lowlife its as simple as that.

The end of the story is that marg who has nothing very much to do with my sister has said her and her husband will help pay for what she needs. My sister rang me back thanking me marg calmed us down and i realised how very badly raw we are feeling, for us we know we have reached the stage where we have to work through this issue with our father. You know its funny even though we have known all he has done he has always played the fool in other words hes played the part of being a victim very well when of course he was the perpetrator. With mums rages he would scurry to a corner and let her nearly at times bash us to death, any sign of trouble he would scurry so its been hard to see him as a vile dictator bastard when hes played this meek mild role for so long. But yesterday something deep within snapped in me this guy again was trying to lay the poor pensioner thing is sitting in a million dollar home going on overseas trips and has money that he can get a hold of, all this for a guy whose only job was to drive a small van for a paper company, you tell me what doesnt add up. he just wants her to grovel and thats where the buck stops, finally i see him for the tyrant he always was.


There are no enemies in this room

We have been pondering Rachel's powerful words for a few days now. In fact Noel reminded me of them just a few days ago when we were having a conversation about our decision to continue to make mon accountable for her actions against us. He said all so gently remember there are no enemies in your system in my eyes either.

The moment of understanding that for the first time in our nearly forty years of life we have come to a place of realization that although the cult pitted our system against itself to make us enemies we are all a victim of circumstance. But the cult have been so clever also. For example making two alters like Amelia and Deshanti growing up although joined in body living two separate worlds, one whose world was relatively safe as long as she behaved (which Amewlia always did) and Deshanti whose mother used her as a human punching bag and whose father didnt give a shit cause he was busy doing all sorts of other things to her. Pitting two alters against each other is a carefully devised plan of keeping even your own system as a enemy against each other.

Then on top of that we have had the enemy of trying to share a horrific story to counsellors who either want to know every gory detail or who like Jane told us that we must have been drugged to see those things. The cult made another enemy and that was of our fear of telling the truth of what they did at the same time trusting someone anyone out there might believe us, when the cult have always said that what they do to us no one would believe and they like to make sure that what they do is as barbaric as possible so that when we do try and tell the story no one will believe us anyway, which instantly closes the lid on anymore stories coming out.

Then they created the enemy within as if it wasnt bad enough that we had two created alters who were pitted against each other one Easter weekend they made the blueprint for the biggest enemy of all, our own satanic alter. A cult ridden machine whose life consisted of as many rituals as possible to take her choice of life away until she became just exactly like them. In turn she became an enemy to us, her name is sam. So when the other day this alter came out Rachels profound words to our system at the at moment was the most heartfelt deepest statement a therapist can ever give to their client, there are no enemies in this room.

For years we have fought against so many other enemies also. When we were involved in Christianity we believed we were the enemy and so went through countless prayer sessions deliverance's and other such mumbo jumbo. In church we have also become the enemy our ex pastor (pastor smiles) recently was heard quoting that we were the reason that no one was coming to lord in his church. The truth is that hes the reason but because our background has been full of dark occultism we immediately become an easy target and become churches fall back when something goes wrong.

We have ourselves believed we are our own enemy, countless suicide attempts have proved that. We think over 100 stitches have been placed on our body since we started this healing journey over fifteen years ago. Countless druinken binges to counteract those horrible memories have taken its toll on our weary body. All of these because we have chosen to fight ourselves rather than fight to get the truth out. And yet seven words can cause such an effect like we havent seen for a while, there are no enemies in this room.

Satanism has taken all of our life and consumed it in one way or another, be it from bad therapists to our own stuffing around to our won self loathing, now as the future we have is so full of promise all we want to do is share it get it out and get our healing. We know our story is gruesome and at times so over the top that even we find what we hear hard to understand but having two therapists who doesnt believe that even the likes of sam are enemies gives us a hope toward reconciliation that we have never even dared to hope for.


Monday, June 14, 2010

A goodbye from all of us to you

Well who would have known that a few days ago we wrote a blog about saying goodbye and now we find ourselves doing the same. For four days we read blog after blog about our life. Our very first blog was about the fact that we started our blog for our therapist to read so we could communicate with her without having to talk to her out of hours, and our last blog is about closiing down this blog so she cant keep reading our blog out of hours.

And now im writing a blog about saying goodbye to life spacings because we have felt that we are facing new chapters and challenges in life and lifes spacings has been about not so many triumphs as sadness. This has been a hard decision but as we start so many things new we dont wish for some people to be reading. The last few weeks ive felt more and more uneasy about mon and her party reading my blog. And as ive wrestled with a decision to close this blog we have come up with one conclusion.

Our journey the last two years has been so amazing so life giving that we believe we have outgrown life spacings and have indeed started on a new path. We feel we need to leave the past behind and start again. We want this new journey to not involve some people who have hurt us and i dont wish to give them privy into our new triumphs when being with them has caused us so much hurt.

Indeed there are new paths we are entering, new journeys and triumphs, indeed a new style of therapy has imparted a new way of living. As puzzle pieces fall into place (thankyou RR) we dont think life spacings is the place we wish to share those.

We want to thank each and every one of you for walking this journey in life spacings for the years you have. We know you will understand the reasons behind our choice to move on, know that each moment each time each journey you have given us in you has been incredible and life giving. We look forward to sharing a new journey with you for this might be goodbye to lifes spacings as a blog but it isnt goodbye from us, we just need to close this chapter of our life.

But we would like to communicate with you if you wish to you are welcome to email us at

We will keep this message up for a while then lifes spacings will be gone.

yours always


Saturday, June 12, 2010

we are back blogging - some horrific stats.

Over the last week ive been noticing some anonymous proxys on my blog in the stats. I didnt feel comfortable with that as i know that ever since i have made a formal complaint against mon this has been increasing. I wasnt comfortable with this and so took my blog away fro a little while. In the meantime i did something that i should have done a while ago and have spent the last few days (on my week off) re reading all of my blogs from start to finish. And here are some of the stats i picked up.

Three times our system tried to move away from getting therapy from mon, only to find one way or another we ended up back at her office.

Over 5 attempted overdoses and nearly thirty threats of wanting to kill ourselves whilst seeing mon

Rosies own words were that felt her job was "to track us"

We counted nearly seventy i love yous given by mon to us on our blog when she writing them.

Twelve times we wrote that if we didnt answer the phone to her then she would have plan b up her sleeve and that was she would call our friends.

Mon wrote on a blog back in January 2008 "the more i work with survivors the more i realise that to love them unconditionally and to be a friend is one of the most powerful healing experiences that i can offer"

There are over ten times when monica wrote a blog on my blog which started with the words "I"

Monica wrote on our blog that the reason we had to be placed in hiding is because "they had been threatened that they would not leave alive", the threat came from a therapist at mons work who was a fellow survivor and had been programmed to kill us, well thats what we were told anyway.

When we asked mon to give evidence of the things that she accused sam of doing she refused our request, saying it wouldnt do anyone any good to see it. So i have never had any evidence that we have done any of what she accused us of.

monica charged us for calls she made to us whilst she was in england, so even though we had cleared our therapy debt before she left when she returned we were back to owing her another 180 bucks even though we had never seen hr in eight weeks.

Mon spent a lot of time hugging and holding Little's stroking their hair and telling them she loved them.

monica told us that we would probably be too damaged to ever be able to work.

Over five hundred times was a blog about ab reacting after during or near therapy when seeing mon. or when she had called us out of hours.

so lets compare it to now

We have two therapists whom we are happy with and have not tried to cease therapy with them.

We are NOT friends with our therapists and they are NOT Friends with us.

We have not overdosed or self inflicted since ceasing therapy With mon.

We can answer the phone with ease.

our therapists have never called us at home or any other place

we dont get charged when we go over time or get charged excessive amounts of money.

Our therapists have never said they love us.

Our therapist has never touched us. Except mr wonka who shook our hand once at the door when leaving.

In four classes time we will have sucessfully passed our cert II in hospitality. this also included service hours in a busy restaurant.

And lastly and more importantly we do not ab react anymore and that is the most important healing step.


Wednesday, June 09, 2010

flying a kite

Last night my eight year old son and i headed off in the freezing cold wind down the beach with a kite in our hands. In all of our life we have never had a chance to fly a kite, in fact we dont even know if we knew how to fly one, but we were fast learners. The kite lifted high and we did figure eights and swirls and we froze and as the light faded i treasured that moment with my son as we giggled and talked together.

In fact it reminded me of how sad life has been that a simple treat such as flying a kite is something we hadnt done as yet. So tonight both the twins are braving the elements yet again to go down and kite fly, then after that we are making pasta together and making pink and purple cup cakes. We have so missed seeing our kids, with only four days left until graduation we are relishing the few days off to enjoy moments with our kids and rejuvenate our own selves in quite gentle ways.


Monday, June 07, 2010

When is it time to say goodbye.

just today we received news that a blogging friend had decided to leave blogging land and for all the sadness we felt we also know that the time was right for her. Of recent we too have found less and less time to blog our real life playing out in dinner services and cooking classes. In fact in moments when we are alone we can barely even get the energy to turn on the computer let alone blog, yet there is something that always keeps bringing us back to what we call part of our home.

Many times we stare the screen and have nothing to write because our life has become the fairytale of normality, even trying to find words that over two years ago we could barely string two words together that didnt involve how we would kill ourself or how we needed help. And now we find ourselves far from suffocating from the past but we are finding renewed strength in understanding our amazing future. We find ourselves more willing to hear the inner voice in torment and less willing to hear how we can shut that child up. We are finding that we can in fact breath when we thought our breathing was always to be owned by another person. We are finding that feelings are important and bit by bit we are trusting our therapists to help us grow with feeling no9t live without. We are finding that we are very much a like able and popular person and that people rather than being repelled in our company actually in fact enjoy it. We are learning that moments of freedom are actually a gift we would have been born with before they put us in chains. Yet in allof that we still find we cannot do without our blog.

We know one day there will come a time when we too feel we have nothing more to say but we recognise that whilst our journey may seem amazing to us it too is touching those who journey with us. As we close one therapy chapter in mon and get closure we have started a far more therapeutic one with mr wonka and rachel. No we indeed arent ready to stop blogging just yet for we have too much to say, but we know one day there will come a time when like our friend blogging makes way for new ventures, and that too we look forward to.


Saturday, June 05, 2010

A ten question meme

Thankyou to mago from for this meme its been ages since we have been invited to do one and was very pleased at having been asked we will think of the next ten questions tomorrow and think of some people to pass this meme onto.

Ten questions

1) Do you believe in ghosts?

We believe in spirits both light and dark. We have seen them and know what they look like.

2) Are you content with your life?

Not at this point, life for us seems to have only just started and until we have made the im[act we want in the cooking arena we choose to go into then no we feel we have missed so much of life and am now just starting to catch up.

3) Have you ever been at or close to point blank?*

I am not sure what that means but we have been close to death if that is what it means.

4) Is philosophy necessary?

Necassary and i think after learning about it this last year also important. {philosophy is a wonderful exploration of all the questions why and whats more philosophy likes you asking why.

5) Do you live with books?

Oh yes, too many

6) Have you ever been on stage?


7) Do you regularly read a printed newspaper?

I wish we had time, instead we see the news each night and we always check the news on the Internet.

8) Are you afraid of the future?

No way far too excited for that

9) Do you know yourself?

At this present time only just scratching the surface

10) Will you play on?

Possibly youll have to wait and see!

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

food and pain

Yesterday we saw Mr wonka as Rachel is still away. We were talking to him and he was asking us questions about why we have chosen cheffing as a career. And we said we have thought so long and hard about why that might be. It could be that we were starved so badly that we became infatuated with food, or it could be when we read the magic faraway tree and went to the land of treats and we realised that food can be good for you as well. Or it might be when we were allowed to eat we ate as much as we could and we dreamed of what it would be like to be able to eat anything at all.

The truth i we are not sure why we are so infatuated with food. But as we talked we also talked about being starved so we could look good for all my parents friends or the times we saw banquets of food and was amazed that there was so much food in the world. Or the one time when we were turning seven and we had been locked in a room for two days, we didnt know where we were or at whose house except it was old and it had stairs. When we were allowed out we came downstairs and there was a lavish feast assembled and everyone kept saying it was our special birthday treat. having never had a birthday really ever acknowledged before we were astounded. After this birthday treat where there were only adults we were introduced to the American our grandfathers friend and we were told that just like the food was a gift for our birthday so too would we be a gift for this man. Over the next fifteen years this man abused us in ways that the cult never could. The scar upon our mind because of that damn seventh birthday party is a scar that will remain for the rest of our life.

Either way food has played an important part of our life be it in tormentor or friend that perhaps we now have reached a conclusion that food is important to us because it matters to our health and well being. But as we talked yesterday the pain in our chest was tight the tears just beneath the surface was bubbling, the headache forming as alters expressed their pain and as i sat in the chair and felt myself begin to float away with too much pressure i knew all i wanted to do was leap from my chair scrunch myself to the ground and let the system grieve for the pain of life lost. instead i stoically held it together but the cost of that is today as the body aches and the head hurts and i feel tired, i know only too well that pressure means we have come close to raw pain and not let it go. My stubbornness my indecision on how Mr Wonka would react to a seven year old howling on his floor allowed for me to hold them back, but the cost is as always high. perhaps also the indecision on how will anyone understand what it was really like, This is sometimes a really hard job.