A blog about firsts and reflections

Its this time of year that we start thinking about all the people that have come and gone in our life. This is the second year that we have spent xmas down here but long before we moved here we had a network of friends and this is a part blog about those people.

As a blogger reading fellow blogger posts you become attached almost connected but sometimes these people leave without any reason. Often you are left wondering if they are ok or they are alive or many things like that. over the years we have seen so many people come and go from our blog but some of them have touched us more deeply than others. Many years ago we connected to a group of people in states and sat many hours in front of the computer with them. Then one day it was gone, can i remember why it was gone no i cant but these people decided that they wanted to remain friends and i was left in the outer. I often think about all of them i see them on their blogs but there is no communication between us. Its this time of the year that i think most about them. Perhaps always wondering if or what we did wrong but the answer will probably never be told. To those people who sat with us each day in the chat room i also wish you a merry Christmas and hope whatever you are doing in life enriches you all.

Then there is the people who used to come to the blog and dont anymore, the people who visit others blogs and comment but never comment on ours. It makes you wonder if youve pissed them off in some way and you just dont know. I know i have commented on someones blog for a year and yet they never ever visit or comment on ours anymore, they are seen at other mutual bloggers blogs but will not talk anymore on ours. And i guess in this the time of reflection there will always be a question why. But again sometimes there isnt a answer. For those people i wish you all a merry xmas.

But this last year has also been a year of firsts for us and this xmas is no exception. On xmas day we will have nearly 35 people over at our house for lunch. We are hosting the second year of nomadic Christmas. All of these people have nowhere else to go and for some of them this is the first xmas they have had in years. Some of the people are coming have family overseas or through abuse situations will not spend it with their family. All of these people will bring a platter and we all will join each other in the same way.

Also this year will be the first time we havent called keepers on xmas day. For the last five years each xmas day we place a call to keepers she would talk to the kids and we would wish each other a merry xmas. I have no idea where she is or what shes doing but i hope whatever it is she is happy. I dont understand why she did what she did but it doesnt take way five years of history. So keepers if you read this merry xmas to you.

Also this is the first year that mitch wont be joining us in some form over xmas. She is busy with overseas family coming and will be unable to join us here for a few days. Although we talk a few times a year our friendship isnt as close but i will miss her this year.

This is also the first year that i have decided that my kids and i need an interstate trip and have booked a secret holiday for all of us in January. this will be the first time i have taken them interstate as a family and am very much looking forward to doing this.

Although this is the second year that we have stopped connecting with mon, this is the first year i feel healed enough to formally place a complaint. This letter has been written and will be sent in the new year. After it has been received we will show what we have written on here.

This is also the first year that we know what career path we want to choose and know fully where our future lies.

This is also the first year that we have both therapists nowhere in sight but am not one iota bothered by them not being around.

This is also the first year that we will not be attending church in or around xmas day. Where some changes have taken place within us that has become a journey far beyond what we imagined, and although we believe in the basic concept of Jesus birth historically It was never on the 25th December, but thats a whole nothr blog LOL.

This will also be a last - this will be the last time i have holidays with my children at xmas. As next year i will probably be working.

Jip-etal

Maybe we still are too sensitive.

On Christmas day i have a lot of people descending on m house. i will explain in a closer xmas blog. but one of those people is the recent blog i wrote here http://lifespacings.blogspot.com/2009/10/not-prepared-to-pay-price.html. In this blog i talked about my friend making friends with a multiple, and how we thought some of this was a load of crock.

Well today through circumstances i spoke to this person who according to my friend is a multiple. Now theres a few things first off he doesnt know im a multiple, secondly he doesnt know i know that much about him (via google). But te conversation needed to take place because hes coming to may place xmas day as he along with many othrs have nowhere to go. The conversation was very much about him, within probably ten minutes he had disclosed that he was a multiple with certain alters having being diagnosed with schizophrenic tendencies and another bi polar.

Now can i tell you that i believe certain alters can have personal psychiatric disorders. In fact thanks to a multiple who i was once friends with, they had an alter who was medicated for a disorder whilst the rest of the system was not medicated, in other words he took the medication whilst the rest of the system did not.

But for me talking to this person was like talking to someone who thoguth this was all a joke and i started to feel sensitive. It was like he was covering all bases in case but for me it was far more personal. For years we have covered our MPD/D.I.D. we would rather people know us without knowing the diagnosis and like us just the same. When we hear this person saying how he told everyone he was D.I.D we started to get upset. But why the fuck would we. Does tn everyone have a choice who they tell and who they dont, for me they do but this was more than that it was almost like it was a flaunting a look im real no one else is, almost like it was a funny and there aint nothing funny about being a multiple.

It aint cute or kisch or cool being a multiple its fucking hard work. it aint about tellin people its about keepin it quiet, its about not havin ta xplain but jus keepin it in, it not bout bein noticed but bout bein not noticed, it aint bout makin it a joke cause there aint no laughin mata bout bein a multiple. I can tell ya wen ya arms are achin ounding throbbin an ya bein stretched an strectched till ya shoulders snap outa place an they stop an fix em so they can do it again an wen ya cant take no more an gota get someone else ta take ya place an wen ya a bloke in a sheilas body cause ya aint got no choice, multiplicity aint no fucking joke.

Maybe i just am sensitive but i felt talking to this person tonight that multiplicity was some sort a joke to him and you know what if there was some other life i could have lived i wished it wasnt in multiplicity. its hard enough trying to get healed without some wowser coming along proud to the hilt that they got MPD in their resume cause i can tell you the pain we suffered to live this life a hiding is woeful.

But yeh maybe im bein far too sensitive.

Rachel / therapist what i see

Mr Wonka asked me the other day if i had met Rachel yet and i said i never wanted to. That i didnt ever want to see another female therapist no matter how wonderful they appeared to be. That i felt that anytime i saw a new therapist i was a curse each time they either hated me or couldn't stand counselling me. So i dont want to go down that road again. But Mr wonka asked me if i would write a blog about what i observe when Rachel does see us.

When they go see Rachel the first thing is always asks whilst looking at you directly is how are you? I know she means it because i can see the concentration and way she listens for the answer. Often the others get on the floor and Rachel also sits on the floor she has this thing that she always wants to meet her clients at eye level so if thats what makes us comfortable then that's what she does. She said the other day she has stopped wearing skirts on a Thursday knowing we often sit on the floor.

Rachel often doesnt say anything, she quietly sits and listens. She sometimes asks the alters name sometimes doesnt. She knows when to be silent allowing them time to talk time to think time to just sit. Her words are often it wasnt your fault over and over again it wasnt your fault. Occasionally i see tears well in her eyes and see the raw humanness that i see also in mr wonka. The look of pain that words have no place for, Mr wonka often gives the same expression. Rachel always has pencils and paper out in case littles want to draw. She keeps her distance and never comes too close yet her eyes show she cares.

Sometimes i sit and watch her interact and i feel a slight tinge of wistfulness a longing that i too could join in this therapy but i also know the safest place for me is with mr wonka. I dont know why mr wonka wanted to me to write this but thats what i observe.

Amelia

WARNING

If anyone wanted to know what mon looks like then here it is, this is a public photo and can be found at this address, and this is what it says

Search this site. search site Print the page contents. print page E-mail this page to a friend. e-mail page. ...www.crossway.org.au/templates/cuscrossway/details.asp?id... - Cached

So i decided to do just that

if you see this woman RUN oh and just in case anyones wondering wo wrote this as if you couldnt guess

Sa'de

AN ACHIEVEMENT IN SO MANY WAYS

it seems such a long time ago since we were too depressed to even know what day it was. Where life was so despondent we couldnt even lift our head up high. Where we were so consumed by what the cult had done to us that they still had us in chains. For the lat eighteen months we have worked hard at our self esteem and learnt to live with ourselves without too many people.

Today we reached a massive milestone a PASSION POP moment, today we officially enrolled and paid our fees at college. We are now well from the 15th feb a full time student in hospitality studying cooking and all its wonderment. Cheers to you all because all of you over the years have helped us see more in ourselves than we thought possible.

Finality is always hard

Again if anyone is curious enough to press this i think youll find it really interesting Cached.

We havent been blogging much because we are working through a very personal issue, so i thought id explain what it was.

For the last two years i have been separated from my/our husband. After forcing the sale of our old house from hell he moved closer to us where he could be near the kids. His parents offered him the holiday house so this is where he is living. Over the last year we have been trying to sort things out, going on family excursions and holidays, i guess for us we are no quitters failing at our marriage makes us feel failures. high achievers as we are we found ourselves guilty for walking out. So we started to try and work at our marriage, but it seemed the harder we tried the more he tried to break our heart.

Two weeks ago without talking to anybody we finally reached the passe in life that there is no return in. Our ex stepped over a emotional line that cant be crossed back over. He scared our children and has only recently apologised. For nearly two years we have held strong tried to keep what he does inside ourselves, been the good mother that doesn't slam the kids father no matter what shit he puts in. And one night two weeks ago the pressure of being silent the constant trying to find a way to sort this out and it being so one sided took its toll, for the first time in 2 years we cried ourselves to sleep.

The grief that we cant trust him, we cant be with him because shes too toxic, the realisation that he makes us anxious and depressed, but even more sadder the understanding that this was all a game to him where we were really trying to sort things out he was simply playing a game. The consequences for us was the hard fact that the marriage was over there was no turning back there couldnt be, and the outpouring of a silent grief of the years he has done this to us took its toll.

And finally last night came we knew it would. We six months ago had booked a family holiday, id put the money down and he was going halves, so he drops in last last night to drop the kids clothes off and calmly looks at me and says so when d o you want payment for the holiday. I looked at him stunned, at what point does he think after doing what he did to my kids i would let him come away with me. So as quietly as i could i said this......................

T there will be no more holidays outings or family arrangements, i have given all of my heart that i can to you and each time you break it in two. I have offered counselling and have organised trips to which you always end up making sure its wrecked. You have exhausted my love for you until there is nothing left, you have tortured my soul until im immune to your games i didnt see you were playing with them, and lastly you scared and abused four of our five children by your actions. T there is a line no one has ever crossed but you have and im afraid its a line that leaves you cold in my heart and my life. We are finished, over, done and complete.

He said nothing but ok, which he always does when hes in shock in a few days time he will try to punish me with something, but can i tell you there is nothing left he can do to me hes done it all before. The only saving grace is that a divorce cant be done until late jan because of Christmas but it has to be done, because it seems whilst we remain married on paper he still seems to think im his wife and i need to stop that.

So for those wondering this is what has been going on for me, its been a silent time few friends know of he pain or sadness but finality always brings grief and that is partly what we are experiencing.

Deshanti

Therapy that works ------woooohooooo

I was trying to find a appropriate place to file a complaint against mon last night as it has been suggested by someone whose expertise is essential in counselling counsellors that a complaint really needs to be made. When i came across this i thought you might like to see it press the Cached.

In the meantime therapy for us is flying along. We made a decision that mon's half healed half baked bullshit on our system was not going to continue into our new therapy so we made a few major adjustments. Now for some multiples this works for others it doesnt. But for us we have spent years going around in circles so in order to stop that we decided to get together with the system and come to a consensus on how we wished to work.

So this is what we came up with. If an alter chooses to start talking to either rachel or mr wonka then they need to follow it through no matter how shitty to the end. In turn Rachel will support them in that walk. Also rachel will make sure that they are reminded of the here and now stuff that mr wonka taught us so that the ab reactions that had happened in our previous therapy wasnt going to be happening now. So rachel has a few tangible hands on reminders that they are not back there when they are talking and if she thinks they are going back there she will quietly suggest a teddy or a book or a drawing to be done so that the here and now comes into play.

This new approach seems to have eased the system up somewhat. Alters who have previously hidden away because they didnt want to go back in ab reaction are now talking or starting to re talk. For me its bee a huge relief, but not with a tinge of terrible sadness that these alters because of mons aggressive abuse of them in making them return to trauma effectively did its job in making them go into hiding. So if that was her plan then it obviously worked. So without us realising we have actually placed strong care boundaries in place set out by mr wonka and its working.

Last week a twelve year old alter started talking and without any prompting from us finished a story started almost ten years ago. Rachels carefully placed silences so she could talk was both appropriate and correct. And as she was starting to go back there she reminded herself that she didnt have ot and that this was here and now and i went WOW.

So does that mean her story isnt horrific no it doesnt but what it means is that although horrific she hasnt had to go live it twice. Then yesterday came the second turn of events i wasnt expecting, rachel asked how this alter was and she came to tell her herself, no prompting from me. Then the biggest surprise was an alter who was a year younger also coming to talk, she introduced herself to rachel as though it 3was the most normal thing to do. In previous times many alters were hesitant about giving names and it always made me wonder why, but then again the way mon used their names later on would be the reason why. This 11 year old alter said she would work alongside the twelve year old because it was because of her that the twelve year old was there. In other words the split that made the twelve year old came from her.

Perhaps the fact that rachel is so much like our first therapist that this is happening so fast so and correctly im not sure, perahps mr wonka reminds us of a therapist we saw albeit very briefly where we used to live. Who was a wonderful psychiatrist who enjoyed also working with Amelia just as mr wonka does. Amelia hasnt met rachel and doesnt want to so instead she works with mr wonka. But all i know is thank god the bullshit is gone and we can finally see some terrible memories laid to rest.

sa'de