time as come

well as tough as it is ta write this, the time as come as much as it gonna near k*ll melia when someone tries ta bump off ya system one by one when ya dare ta challenge em then ther aint nothin left a the relationship. The truth is gona hurt fa a while, the truth that we been used till soemthin betta come long, now they got it, but if we are ta stand united then we cant let them in no more. The fact is they only want ta talk ta melia and littles case they are the ones they can manipulate the best, it makes me real sad an me heart aint exactly ok right now case its wron what been don ta us, now we gotta repair the damage we let appen in some cases an they was ta cunnin in othas. Wish us luck.

trying to help but getting it wrong

im not meant to be struggling, according to all the rules im the happy go lucky laughable person who makes the darkest cloud have some colour. I create some sanctitude inside for those that cant find it, i make even the most serious story funny and the saddest understandable. I love littles and love the amazing way that even through tears they can find a way to smile. Oh i still do all those things a great entertainer is me, after all what party would be without me to make the most uncomfortable comfortable, always watching to see whats going on around me and us i check those at any party i go to and see if i see discomfort i sidle beside them and poke in the ribs and make them grin.
But struggling i am M is on holidays and she better be having a ball or else. There is no one to call we have no one so struggling or not there simply put isnt anyone, no one is on call when M is away so here i am staring at a computer screen and realising that this for the next four weeks will have to be our on call person. Ive been enjoying my time since living here enjoying it so well that ive forgotten even perhaps neglected our host and her need to perhaps make friends and enjoy herself. Whne everything feel apart with G a few of us inside got together and decided that we would make her so busy that she wouldnt notice that she had lost her best friend. We assumed if we made friends she would come along and join in. We were wrong. While we entertained and she made the food she never appeared she never interacted instead we did that for her, she prepared in all the catering but never appeared at the parties. We assumed she was too tired we assumed so many things the truth is we had made friends with people she couldnt realte to. So instead of making it better we made it worse.
We never realised this of course until she tried to harm herself and nearly succeeded, never talking of whatshe was feeling never asking for help never wanting to disturb anyone as is so her trait she instead went silently away and tried to do the unthinkable. For me i keep coming back to the same thing if we had not tried so hard to ease her pain by making her busy would she have done what she did or tried to. The answer is i dont know . The truth is she was so desperately looking for a outside friend that we supplied her with ones that she would never have. I think R and P could be that for her but while shes in the process of hurting so badly and trusting so little its like living with a ticking time bomb. Will she do it again, will she want to
to be honest i dont know if she will make it through this even if she will be evfer be the host again, simply put the damage those assholes have done is right now for her irrepearable they have fucked her so badly that i wish for now they could get screwed themselves, we are at loss anymore on how to help her, they did too good a job at her and true to back then form (i know you get that ) they have drummed into her that without them she is lost. If only we could make her see different.

can anyone tell me ?

well now ive stopped crying (for now) and ive stopped hurting (for now) and ive stopped blaming myself (for now), i guess i need to look at some things that need to be seen as hard as it is. Sera said soemthing in one of her comments to me and it went like this "they have found a new plaything", only a good friend would say something like that and i guess the end of the day thats whats happened isnt it. They learnt the multiple world through us they used us until they got what they wanted then like back then ive been discarded.
Theyve found a new plaything, they found them because the system wouldnt comply, i got stronger and when they saw that they set about to make me fall again. Just liek back then ive failed to achieve the goals set, no one can see the scars there arent any physical ones but like back then ive failed and like my mum did my things once again ended up in a box. Now according to them they will only talk to me or littles but how can that be :( For all these years we have only managed to survive because we are a we, we are a community what sort of best friend would make a community not talk and make only those that comply talk :( What sort of best friend would put your things in a box and come the next day to say sorry :S. What sort of person would find they were talking to michael last night and because it wasnt me tell him shed wait until i was there :(
They tried so hard to destroy the ones that look after us and when they didnt there was punishment as R said to sa'de the otehr day "divide and conquer" and yes R i was listening :). But shes right isnt she but why? why? why? What sort of friend would walk away without a second glance as though you never even existed. What sort of friend would make you feel like you need to end it to find some peace. What sort of friend hates those that are in the system that they cant control. What sort of friend can say even today she loves me.
But i think i saw soemthing today that maybe has helped a little, for xmas this year a friend who does know about us gave us a doll a pretty doll one that can be touched and one that takes pride of place on something that everyone inside bought me, for our birthday last year M gave us a teddy bear we cherish it, we have a diary both here and a writing one the only thing we are missing is swap cards. The reality is that nothing G has given me is in that box, but i realised today that through people who really love me they have given me a box and maybe its a new box i need to start. Mybe in t ime R will give me something to put in it. Mybe i need to give her a chance after all my heart is already broken what more can be done.
But i do know we travel as a community and you cant eliminate ones that dont appeal. O ver the last few months its been those inside that have cared for me, they have helped me and cared for me, i dont know how to do anythign when i feel so numb but maybe its time to really look and see that the best friend i made has abuised me but how the hell do you start looking at that picture. That like back them ive been only good for what i can give but not for what i cant, how do i move on can anyone tell me ??????

phobias

well ive decided the system must be completely mental to have moved to where they have. This morning i got up before Amelia or Leah did. The reason i smelt smoke. The best way of making us scared is to smell breathe feel or any other way acknowledge smoke. Its a universal fear of the systems its the best way of making most pretrified and more importantly its the utmost trigger (oh that and dogs).
So as I frantically checked the house to make sure it was safe I was also thinking of some fire plan that would never come to fruition if we needed it. Why because the system would be so damn scared to do damn well anything. So the long and short of it is we are more than scared of fires yet me move to a place that is filled with bush. So in perspective the system has moved somewhere that is filled with dogs and can smell like fire. Far out we are truly mental.

the box

ok im struggling, i cant get over the box. I cant stop seeing the box, the box on xmas eve and the box my mum gave me when i stopped being useful. How do I stop both of them intermingling. This box that i saw on xmas eve wasnt the same but in my head it was and still is.
My mum gave me a similar box inside held everything that was personal to me, stupid small things but things that mattered so much. My diary it didnt hold much but my nana had given it to me that xmas, my swap cards although i had so few of them i had saved everything i could to get them, a small teddy bear one of the few things that i was allowed to have to play with and one magnificant doll, i was never allowed to touch her but i loved her from a distance. Into the box they went one day, I was told they were going there because I was a revolting person and that i disgusted her for some reason an that the best punishment was for all that was nice to me was to be gone forever. She took that box and i never saw it again. After shed slapped my face because some tears were forming and i bit my lip so hard it bled she told me to get out of her sight and never reappear in her presence ever again.
I cant remember my mum much after that i guess i didnt know her after that. The night before id done everything they asked but it obviously wasnt enough and i was punished. I cant remember the years to follow. But i do know when mum was dying i wanted to ask for my things back, but how could i she would only banish me from her presence again even in dying. I was the one who shamed her, I couldnt risk being ashamed again.
After she passed away i searched for the box but it has never reappeared, i will forever miss what was in it. Then suddenly on xmas eve the box appeared again of course in different circumstances but it was there again. How could this happen again, it could only mean one thing i had failed yet again, I wish i never failed so much then maybe somene could give me a box with some stuff in it that maybe if i was good enough i could keep forever. But im too scared to kepe any more boxes twice ive been put in a box and thrown away because im useless whats the point of trying anymore, once might be a mistake but twice isnt one, its all i deserve beause once again ive failed.

a little shares (with interpretation)

melia se makd finds wif new persn i no no if se wil likd us cse g se sa se likd us ten se gos on was wat if r gos on was ons se mets us mayb we no spos to met pwepls tat se us mab we bes gons wa forev we scrd to se big wrld nw cas it bes bd plc cas big pepls tel no trth

for anyone reading that this is what it says

" Amelia she makes friends with new person i dont know of she will like us because G says she likes us then she away what if R goes away once she meets us. Maybe we arent supposed to meet people that see us maybe we are better gone away forever. We are scared to see big world now because its a bad place because big people tell no truth"

Damn it all, this world sucks big time.

xmas eve

well ive managed to stop crying for a few hours and feel ok enough to write. On xmas eve i had some presents delivered that i had kept at a ex friends house, i didnt know that within that box was my own presents. To cut al ong story short inside that box was thrown personal presents from someone that i thought i knew. Josie had requested that she at least wrap them only to find that it wasnt to be. It was overwhelming to know that after so many years all that mattered to her was my presents thrown in a box. I cried and cried and cried i cried more than the night before, i was so sad that all that i mattered was thrown in a box and it hurt me more than anything. It also brought back something my mother did to me when she wanted to discard me so suddenly id been discarded twice. I couldnt stop both events moulding into one.
I fell to the floor and feel apart it was the most awful thing on xmas eve. So i did all i could and got on the computer wished her and her new best friend well and said i understood that she said goodbye and i logged off. I couldnt take anymore. They left a message asking what was wrong : But requested they only talk to certain ones : Then Michael got back to them this is after my three hours of incessant crying and he blasted them. Told them that the biggest cruelty is doing that to me on xmas eve. To be honest i was beyond caring. Then it was told that it was all our fault that she didnt wrap them that they threw everything in a box because i needed some xmas pressies they had at their house for my kids and that it was once again all our fault.
She came around yesterday and sat with her arm around me but to be honest i never felt it, i know it was there but i never felt it, it ws like it was never there. How can someone who never hates, never wants anything bad on anyone feel as though i want her to hurt like i do :( I cant feel her anmymore i cant feel much anymore just crying just sadness. It was like she wasnt there like she never existed like she was some dream, but i know she was but im so lost in trying to work out everything i feel numb and lost.
I want to try and make a new friend but how, i like R and i feel her arm around me when its there is that a good sign? Maybe i can feel again. I dont know im too numb to know anymore, just i know that the arm that once felt ok feels like its not there anymore it was but it was like it wasnt. And that makes me sad. Im scared that if i let R put her arm around me too much it too will go away and even if its there i wont feel it. Im so so sad most of the time i used to care i know i did but now i care so little im so sad so afraid so want a friend so scared to have one. so confused. so lonely on the outside. so wishing i could explain. so never wanting to be hurt again. so cried out yet it doesnt seem to stop. so hoping. so scared.

xmas at our house

christmas at our house. 7.30 wake up call from two whispering children declaring that santa has been and they need to be quiet while everyone sleeps. Nothing is sure more likely to wake you than whispering kids. Groaned rolled over but finally disentangled from the bed and bleary eyed arose. Watched as excited kids tore wrappings off presents, littles watched as presents were unwrapped, after all the mayhem kids excitedly asked for their presents to be put together. Raoul and co decided that their cue had been called and with a littles help he put together these presents, after wards he said (thank goodness for littles because they are sure better at me at finding and putting in parts my fingers wont fit in :P) Hearing some bells ringing place face at window and see santa riding on back of a holden ute ringing bells giving out lollies and icypoles to all the children, deciding that was a good enough breakfast send kids outside to recieve them from santa. Nothing more aussie than seeing that on xmas morning.

Go to church, come home girls head off to cubby house with their new toys that include an oven a mocrwave all cooking utensils and even a stove that lights up, all pretend of course wander into cubby house have tea party with them, and help them pretend to cook, nothing like littles helping out :P. Emerge back inside to the twins with their piano, drum kit and guitar all set up with mics singing santa is coming to town, decide that you beat them join them in a reindition of rudolf except some littles and twins forgot words so it ended up with a lot of mmmmm mmm mmmmm mmms, twins think having mum singing with them in a not so her voice is great. Littles beat drums and play to their hearts content.

Wander back outside to see what the robo sapian is doing. Only to find to yet more littles amusement that our son had programned it to fart and burp : on command. His dad scouring the instructions to see what other disgusting noises it can make. Oh it can wolf whistle too ( fantastic). Littles stare at that for ages before we decide that a go on the pinball machine is woth a good try out. 20 goes later and beating our eldest sons highest score thanks tosome very enthusiastic teens, it was time for a slight cleanup. With a few diversions of course along the way ;)

A few hours later our hosts ex best friend arrived trying to talk to hr after doing something really bad the night before ( she will talk about that a bit later). She arrived with the brat child we saw the otehr day who was more precosious than the last tiime we saw her. Husband asking her what santa gave her to which she replied i dont believe in santa its a a load of nonesense :P Asking what she got from her mum and her mums friend she said ohh i got so much i cant even begin to tell you :P Spoilt little shit. She played with our daughter for a while the whole time finding fault in everything. If she ever comes back i hope for her sake she doesnt get anywhere near me bratty spoilt children need a good dousing with any hose that shoots like a fire hydrant ;)

Finally got rid of spoilt shit child and the one who brought her. Time ot head off to friends house for dinner. These are the new people we disclosed to a few weeks ago so i will put in P and R so you know that its them im talking about. Arrive there Amelia staying in background because of so many people she didnt know finally deciding she might burst into tears yet again, we took over and mingled. P and R being the perfect hosts did keep an eye on us which was nice. After an amazing dinner and brilliant desert, there was nothing left to do than let michael out to play with the latest nurf rocket launcher much to the delight of all ten children concerned an hour later he had exhausted them had the husband in stitches and R similar he wandered back inside as much as michael ever does and collapsed on couch.

Finally sitting beside R on couch we thought we were fine until their damn clock started chiming making some animal sound to which a little turned their head to have a look, one cushion over face to hide anyone seeing them and many glances at and i quote "beri petti xmas tre wit lits" and fifteen minutes of tryign to get them back inside, i turned only to find that one twin had pants and undies off and was running around their loungeroom and another daughter running around in undies, not realising they had been doing that for the fifteen mins that we had tried to get littles back inside, i yelled get pants on, little did i know that everyone else had seen it like i said fifteen mins ago and we were well behind the eight ball.

Finally find out that one of the twins hadnt quite made it to the toilet and wet the bathroom floor, extremely embarassed and ready to go, round up tired kids and littles still whining because they hadnt seen the rest of house (no way were we going to let that occur). We get in car and head home. Crawl into bed and think , for all the shit we feel at xmas time and all the pain we go through to even get to xmas day, this is what xmas day can be and should be like. Just because we missed out back then doesnt mean we cant make it better now.