I was talking to M last night on the phone, and was trying to explain how i needed to have her close yet was so afraid and wanted her so far away. She said she wanted to explain a story to me, a true story, and that maybe it would help me try and trust her on a deeper level. So i wanted to share that story ,and explain a few things about how i feel about that.
She had a client who was once in the same i was, it was three years since she had known M, the same amount of time we have. One day she turned to M and said i have this cup its fragile its got lots of cracks you drop it, it will break you try and place it down harder than expected it will shatter. its made of sensitive porcelein and its not as strong as other cups. If i place this cup in your hands can i entrust you to take gentle and careful care of it. Can i trust you to handle it with the care and concern its needed to keep it in one piece but gently place the cracks together so they are whole. M said of course i will treat it with the care that is needed.
So we continued our conversation and at the end i said this " We dont have any porcelin cups here, they would just get broken but what i do have is my engagment ring, its not as chunky as others its delicate and its precious, can instead of the porcelin cup i hand you the engagement ring, it holds the same symbolism its the only precious thing i have, if i lose that id be devastated, can you take care of that for me and see that its kept safe". Her answer was yes of course. Now this isnt she really takes the ring its just that i wanted soemthing personel to offer her that was precious to me and see how she treated it.
But what i didnt tell her was this. My engagement ring is broken, in two places. There are two sapphires missing from the base, but beyond that it is also broken, no actually split in half at the back. it sits on my finger by pure miracle and has done for over a year. Ive been meaning to get it fixed but as i talked to M last night and said that to her i decided that it was the right symbolism. You see giving M my ring although not in actuality but in pretend meant that for those two remaining stones she had to treat it even more gently with care. If she didnt the remaining stones would fall out, seeing it was already broken and split any more meant it was irrepairable. I dont know if she will accept the ring after knowing it is as broken as i am and only time will tell on that one.
But then it got me thinking this. If my ring is broken and needs to be fixed how many other things of peoples need to be fixed and maybe it was something that i could use to help me. You see as much as my ring is right now as broken as i feel ,it is right it that way for now. And i was wondering this. Is there something of yours at home that youve been meaning to fix and hadnt got around to it, something that is precious but can wait. And is it possible just for me no others although part of a system ,that you would join me in something.
I was wondering if maybe you would hold off getting it fixed until i was fixed, and i would hold off getting my ring fixed until i was in a safe enough place to feel it was right to do so. Then when it was right and i was ready i with M and R would get my ring fixed back into the awesome beauty i bought it in with my husband. I fell in love with this ring bevcause it was different and at the moment it is half of it beauty but maybe if i work it can be beautiful again.
Would anyone join me in keeping something that needs to be fixed on hold and together we can all go in different ways to get our not so fixed things fixed?