ever felt like you have no control over some serious stuff going onside, well right now we have none, well we have some but not without M's help support and ideas. this is the crap part of being us, that the ones inside we are fighting are part of us. They have no regard for the body for staying al*ve for even not hurting us because they are not responsible for anything except their long term goal.
I find it really hard to see these ones as part of us, there doesnt seem even kindness within them, yet they are part of us created as we are. This is the tough part of being a multiple, having ones inside that are so programned that they have an agenda and only their sick twisted way of trying to fulfill it will suffice.
But the truth is these ones are part of us. And as much as I shake my head and wonder why, i can only sit back and realise that they know no difference, they dont know what care and concern is about, I dont think they even know how to free think, they have been so taught to only think in one way that thinking anything else for them would have dire consequences. Free thought is not a process allowed in the way these guys and even us grew up. Nor is taking care of the body, they dont care about the body, why should they, at times i wonder if they even know they are part of the body as a whole. I know that they would have in some ways been taught they will live even if the body doesnt. But hate to shatter their ballon they k*ll us they k*ll themselves.
And i dont care what anyone says, these guys have feelings they just havent been allowed to share them, tortured to such a way that they have lost sight of hope they turn to hating us instead, the only problem is we arent the problem the bastards that systematically took every ounce of hope and stripped it bare are the problems we like them are surviving the best way we can.
Such a damn complex problem with no solutions right now, just wishing there was.
Johnny
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Thursday, June 01, 2006
and the years condemn
Have you ever noticed peoples age like really taken a long hard look at their faces, can you see their lines of sadness and happiness, have you ever observed closely how life has or has not treated someone. Do you think you can tell? I think i can often im not at the front im not caught up in whats going on im the quiet achiever in the background, if need be i will run the house, drive the car and do the things the others do but i mostly enjoy sitting back and obeserving whats going on and making my own quiet assessment from there.
So while ive been sitting back ive seen people and the years the people have lived. I was looking at M the other day, and was thinking she looks ten years younger than she really is. Her face is full of fun and youthfullness yet her eyes depict a life that has been lived, but it hasnt wearied her face nor has it aged it in the correct age her body actually is. R is ten years older than us and again her face shows life so much more to give and so much more the years to recieve, her face is young, of some strange innocence at times i want to reach and touch her face and recieve that amazing innocennce, yet it isnt innocence it is rare beauty, then i realise it comes from within, i cant touch and recieve it is built within her. In the same way someone the other day was shocked to hear our age they expected someone much younger (actually they did have some much younger) but even when they have got someone the bodies age we are often resembled for a 25 year old and let me tell you we are so not near that age anymore.
So lets look at the contrast. Recently we saw the father often a persson we choose to not see but we did see him, hes 73 now, his face shows its age and so much more. He is old, he shows no youthfulness and although trying to dress trendily has nothing outside of that to convince anyone hes anything he is trying to present. His face is lined with age but much more than that his face is lined with choosing to live the life he as. And i move to another person, recently i saw someone whose life was so much a part of ours until recently and i was shocked the wieight had plumetted and the face lined with years of hate and weariness and manipulation was finally taking its toll. Once very pretty for her age in two years it had turned around, she was suddenly older than the age she was.
I guess in observation i have begun to realise we live as we have treated others, our father was once in his hey day the most brilliant politician, but years of abusing others took its toll and now he lives still hurting people but as an old man, his achievements might still be recognised but age has condemned him and guilt laying upon his shoulders in age has made him twice the age he really is. Our ex friend s bitterness has consumed her trying to always manipulate things to her way has destroyed her beauty and left an empty shell, the unhappiness of how she chose her life has stacked on the weight and left her with no happiness.
We are as we give to others and i also realise the more we abuse and hurt others the more we age, until those whose life has been about gently caring and supporting people show life with grace and those whose life has been about destroying eventually life shows destruction within them. There is a bible saying we reap what we sow and i hope we always remain as young as people think we are, may our face despite the pain it has already endured never be as those we see before us guilty and full of repentance but never having the courage to ask. Paybacks a bitch isnt it, even if it isnt anything we have control over.
Thalia
So while ive been sitting back ive seen people and the years the people have lived. I was looking at M the other day, and was thinking she looks ten years younger than she really is. Her face is full of fun and youthfullness yet her eyes depict a life that has been lived, but it hasnt wearied her face nor has it aged it in the correct age her body actually is. R is ten years older than us and again her face shows life so much more to give and so much more the years to recieve, her face is young, of some strange innocence at times i want to reach and touch her face and recieve that amazing innocennce, yet it isnt innocence it is rare beauty, then i realise it comes from within, i cant touch and recieve it is built within her. In the same way someone the other day was shocked to hear our age they expected someone much younger (actually they did have some much younger) but even when they have got someone the bodies age we are often resembled for a 25 year old and let me tell you we are so not near that age anymore.
So lets look at the contrast. Recently we saw the father often a persson we choose to not see but we did see him, hes 73 now, his face shows its age and so much more. He is old, he shows no youthfulness and although trying to dress trendily has nothing outside of that to convince anyone hes anything he is trying to present. His face is lined with age but much more than that his face is lined with choosing to live the life he as. And i move to another person, recently i saw someone whose life was so much a part of ours until recently and i was shocked the wieight had plumetted and the face lined with years of hate and weariness and manipulation was finally taking its toll. Once very pretty for her age in two years it had turned around, she was suddenly older than the age she was.
I guess in observation i have begun to realise we live as we have treated others, our father was once in his hey day the most brilliant politician, but years of abusing others took its toll and now he lives still hurting people but as an old man, his achievements might still be recognised but age has condemned him and guilt laying upon his shoulders in age has made him twice the age he really is. Our ex friend s bitterness has consumed her trying to always manipulate things to her way has destroyed her beauty and left an empty shell, the unhappiness of how she chose her life has stacked on the weight and left her with no happiness.
We are as we give to others and i also realise the more we abuse and hurt others the more we age, until those whose life has been about gently caring and supporting people show life with grace and those whose life has been about destroying eventually life shows destruction within them. There is a bible saying we reap what we sow and i hope we always remain as young as people think we are, may our face despite the pain it has already endured never be as those we see before us guilty and full of repentance but never having the courage to ask. Paybacks a bitch isnt it, even if it isnt anything we have control over.
Thalia
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
chalk and cheese (the mexican standoff)
Living within our system sometimes for me feels like im walking around a zoo. There isnt a day that goes by without someone arguing fighting or overall annoying each other. Usually at least three times a day one of mishevious nine year olds has poke, annoyed or teased someone else inside to the point that tears or screams have been elicited and the victim has come calling for help, the offender usually is nowhere to be found and has numerous places she can hide out until the racousshe has caused is over. Never one to be forgetful i usually bide my time and unvariably find her with some grounding being put into place, with a stomp and a you are sooo mean sa'de she flicks her pony tail and mutters some utterance and runs.
Bedtime for the littles can be one of the worst times. I am not responsible for making sure they go to bed but i watch closely to see who might have wandered off thinking they could try and fool the bed time keepers. Invariably two or three have tried the puff the pillows in bed trick and let them think im asleep then i can sneek out and have fun, my job is to make sure that at 3 am they are not sitting on the computer or watching cartoons so that the body gets rest and they do also. It is to their great dissapointment to find myself or someone else standing as they turn the corner, thinking they were smarter their eyes soon turn to saucers as they realise that they will join others in trying the same path and being caught. They are again sent off ot bed this time one of us marching with them.
If by any chance they have managed to find their way to watching tv at 3 am and yes even us protectors sometimes grow weary of watching, they have of course been sprung eventually and they too join the ranks of groundings or some other form of reminding them that you cannot to do this.
We do not hit or hurt ones inside, although at times i am so close clipping one of them over the ear, they are not punished with pain or fear, we choose groundings in some way shape or form or bannings for certain things going on or just simply removal of some favourite item, but we never remove teddy bears blankets or pillows. Its been hard for some of us to learn how to discipline inside when outisde our system had such outrageous discipline proceedings. Because each one inside is so very different from the other we have to decide how to discipline according to who they are, sometimes that is easy and sometimes that can be hugely difficult.
So that gets me to the other part of the blog, the differences between each one inside and recently those diffferences have been so very apparant, usually it is apparant more internally than externally but on this occassion it shot to the outside and then became an inside problem. Josie and Amelia are like chalk and cheese, Josie is loud funny vivacious, the life of ANY party, will share a cigar with anyone who offers her one and some brandy to go with it, Josie doesnt have a list of things ot do she makes it up as she goes, if Josie is driving the music is on full blast, she drives at times faster than michael and believe me thats soemtimes scary and at any time and at any whim she will veer off track in the car and decide to go a different way just because it looks fun, unltimately she gets herself lost, far from being deterred she just keeps on drving until one of us takes over and drives us right back to where we started. Josies laughter is infectious as is her twinkle in the eye, once started to finds it hard to stop and tends to laugh at most things good or bad and in any circumstnace. Josie is a great mum also just her ideas are lets just say different and her idea of clean is shove it in a corner and throw something over it no one will notice. Josie is and always i suspect will be our greatest performer, she is very popular internally and externally and rarely loses her exhuberance for life and all it brings.
Amelia on the other hand, is quiet thoughtful at times shy very considerate of others and where they might be, Amelias lifes about lists order and neatness, if driving amelia drives at the speed limit or just below she has quiet calm music on and she NEVER veers off track, at parties if she is out she will find a quiet corner and somebody to talk to, she rarely drinks and if she does she will sip it quietly, offer her a cigar and she will balk, and i dont think she even knows what brandy is. She looks after the outside children without recklessness and always watches them with care and concern. Amelias not great at confrontation yet Josie relishes it always tiurning it around with humour so that even the best debater is agreeing with her. So like chalk and cheese both Amelia and Josie compliment each other, that is until Josies exhuberance walks on Amelias turf.
Amelias proper ways of doing things irritate Josies improper ways, often Josie is heard saying to Amelia lighten up and Amelia in turn will say to Josie youre too loud. And myself caught in the middle of these small arguments is nothing compared to the one going on right now. Amelias belief in everything proper can normally be lived within for Josie, but Josie overstepped the boundaries in Amelias rightness the other day at church. Now if there is ever a place you dont behave like that in Amelias mind it is church. For Amelia it is the unpardonable s*n.
So now we have the mexican standoff, Amelias refusing to talk to anyone internally or externally, (except her children) she shuts herself away and pretends no one inside exists as for the outside i think in her mind it is like running water go past me dont touch me. Josie on the other hand because of Amelias blog has taken off headed for the hills or in our case the jungle. Now although this isnt the best place to go it is right now dangerous for her to be there, so yes at some stage another call to M i will have to make to sort out Josies return safely i hope.
But the hardest place to sit is mine because as much as Josie and Amelia are so vastly different both in physical appearance and personality, they compliment each other when working as a team. People on the outside just think that Amelias having a great day and when Josies out and when Amelias out think shes just quieter, look more closely and youll see the differences but often people are too caught up in Josies behaviour to notice or too enraptured in Amelias gentlness to notice. My only wish right now is that they join together once more to make the team that we all make in here and work with our differences to make the outside world a safer place for those inside, to look and venture out.
Sa'de
Bedtime for the littles can be one of the worst times. I am not responsible for making sure they go to bed but i watch closely to see who might have wandered off thinking they could try and fool the bed time keepers. Invariably two or three have tried the puff the pillows in bed trick and let them think im asleep then i can sneek out and have fun, my job is to make sure that at 3 am they are not sitting on the computer or watching cartoons so that the body gets rest and they do also. It is to their great dissapointment to find myself or someone else standing as they turn the corner, thinking they were smarter their eyes soon turn to saucers as they realise that they will join others in trying the same path and being caught. They are again sent off ot bed this time one of us marching with them.
If by any chance they have managed to find their way to watching tv at 3 am and yes even us protectors sometimes grow weary of watching, they have of course been sprung eventually and they too join the ranks of groundings or some other form of reminding them that you cannot to do this.
We do not hit or hurt ones inside, although at times i am so close clipping one of them over the ear, they are not punished with pain or fear, we choose groundings in some way shape or form or bannings for certain things going on or just simply removal of some favourite item, but we never remove teddy bears blankets or pillows. Its been hard for some of us to learn how to discipline inside when outisde our system had such outrageous discipline proceedings. Because each one inside is so very different from the other we have to decide how to discipline according to who they are, sometimes that is easy and sometimes that can be hugely difficult.
So that gets me to the other part of the blog, the differences between each one inside and recently those diffferences have been so very apparant, usually it is apparant more internally than externally but on this occassion it shot to the outside and then became an inside problem. Josie and Amelia are like chalk and cheese, Josie is loud funny vivacious, the life of ANY party, will share a cigar with anyone who offers her one and some brandy to go with it, Josie doesnt have a list of things ot do she makes it up as she goes, if Josie is driving the music is on full blast, she drives at times faster than michael and believe me thats soemtimes scary and at any time and at any whim she will veer off track in the car and decide to go a different way just because it looks fun, unltimately she gets herself lost, far from being deterred she just keeps on drving until one of us takes over and drives us right back to where we started. Josies laughter is infectious as is her twinkle in the eye, once started to finds it hard to stop and tends to laugh at most things good or bad and in any circumstnace. Josie is a great mum also just her ideas are lets just say different and her idea of clean is shove it in a corner and throw something over it no one will notice. Josie is and always i suspect will be our greatest performer, she is very popular internally and externally and rarely loses her exhuberance for life and all it brings.
Amelia on the other hand, is quiet thoughtful at times shy very considerate of others and where they might be, Amelias lifes about lists order and neatness, if driving amelia drives at the speed limit or just below she has quiet calm music on and she NEVER veers off track, at parties if she is out she will find a quiet corner and somebody to talk to, she rarely drinks and if she does she will sip it quietly, offer her a cigar and she will balk, and i dont think she even knows what brandy is. She looks after the outside children without recklessness and always watches them with care and concern. Amelias not great at confrontation yet Josie relishes it always tiurning it around with humour so that even the best debater is agreeing with her. So like chalk and cheese both Amelia and Josie compliment each other, that is until Josies exhuberance walks on Amelias turf.
Amelias proper ways of doing things irritate Josies improper ways, often Josie is heard saying to Amelia lighten up and Amelia in turn will say to Josie youre too loud. And myself caught in the middle of these small arguments is nothing compared to the one going on right now. Amelias belief in everything proper can normally be lived within for Josie, but Josie overstepped the boundaries in Amelias rightness the other day at church. Now if there is ever a place you dont behave like that in Amelias mind it is church. For Amelia it is the unpardonable s*n.
So now we have the mexican standoff, Amelias refusing to talk to anyone internally or externally, (except her children) she shuts herself away and pretends no one inside exists as for the outside i think in her mind it is like running water go past me dont touch me. Josie on the other hand because of Amelias blog has taken off headed for the hills or in our case the jungle. Now although this isnt the best place to go it is right now dangerous for her to be there, so yes at some stage another call to M i will have to make to sort out Josies return safely i hope.
But the hardest place to sit is mine because as much as Josie and Amelia are so vastly different both in physical appearance and personality, they compliment each other when working as a team. People on the outside just think that Amelias having a great day and when Josies out and when Amelias out think shes just quieter, look more closely and youll see the differences but often people are too caught up in Josies behaviour to notice or too enraptured in Amelias gentlness to notice. My only wish right now is that they join together once more to make the team that we all make in here and work with our differences to make the outside world a safer place for those inside, to look and venture out.
Sa'de
Sunday, May 28, 2006
im tired and im done
i know im blogging again and im sorry if what i write bores you, that isnt my intention its just the only way right now that i seem to be able to be heard, internally and externally. Im pretty down more than down just down right out. Apart from being sick im drained tired of the world and all it gives us and it probably culminated into one big sigh of i dont care anymore from something that happened today.
Today we went to ch*rch which is normal for our family. We attend a small but great ch*rch about fifteen mins from here where two of our support people attend as well. Today a different person was giving the s*rmon due to the fact our regular pastor was attending another ch*rch giving a address. The s*rmon was about recognising that unless we come to g*d with a knowledge that we arent pure and cant get it right then we will indeed have no hope. The story was of the tax collector the "scum" of the day beating his chest and asking g*d to forgive him while the pharisee a religious leader of the day remained pious. Normally a great address to deliever right. Well not for me and not today.
The guy pr*aching kept saying over and gain and over again "the scum people" would you let someone like that into your ch*rch, how would you react if they didnt fit your social set. Everytime he said "scum people" Josie who was out , went off into peals of laughter, so bad that at times she had to leave the ch*rch just to compose herself. She kept saying to us it sounds like the monster from the black swamp, well of course he saw her losing it and he used it more and more until she was falling off her seat in peals of laughter in front of everyone. She attends b*ble study when they saw her losing they set her off more because they said oh shes gone now. To which she connected eyes with them and laughed more. My husband didnt help because he kept whispering her ear when do you think hes going to say it again, so she laughed more.
At the end of the s*rmon the assistant preacher came to the microphone and made it worse by saying im not sure how many times you said "scum people" but it was a lot and i hope for all those psycholigically damaged you dont think it was addressed at you. To which josie was fast headed to the door again, he only said it to razz josie more and she reacted big time doors slamming im sure the whole church heard her peels of laughter from the entrance. My husband again not helping by saying are you psycholigically damaged josie ? To which by this stage she was at the tea and coffee spilling it everywhere.
Now to all of you this might be funny, but it isnt to me. I kept peeking out behind josie looking at people around her but mainly at R and i knew she wasnt comfortable with her performance. I was uncomfortable with her performance. But it was more than that i was uncomfortable because i believe i am a "scum person" and i am sitting in their church and i am the useless scum of the earth he was talking about. Whilst she found it funny i found it heartbreaking. I also found it hard because after the service people were laughing at how she found it funny and i peered out at R a friend ive tried to form a friendship with and i saw her move as fast away from josie as possible and i sighed and went might as well kiss another friend goodbye.
Later on Josie rang R and said are you still talking to us or what. ANd she said of course, josie said ot her i just wanted ot keep putting my hand up and say we are here " the scum people" have arrived. And R said laughing well we have accepted you havnet we. It was finally there at that point my heart went bang into my chest. And i realised that its what people think of us anyway. Whats the point. It stung for a second and then resoltely i thought well thats the end of ch*rch for me, it doesnt matter how hard i try, how hard i wish i could get it right someone always makes it a mess up, R is a close friend and what she said wasi n the jest to which it should have been given back, and for josie she thought it was funny but for me it was the last straw. I want to be not seen as that and i thought id done that but i guess it shows i havent and even if i tried to someone would come along and screw it up anyway.
So Josie and the rest can have their church, they can have their peals of laughter, their b*ble study their fun, once again it shows that what is good for some isnt good for others. There isnt a point anymore, im tired and im done.
Amelia
Today we went to ch*rch which is normal for our family. We attend a small but great ch*rch about fifteen mins from here where two of our support people attend as well. Today a different person was giving the s*rmon due to the fact our regular pastor was attending another ch*rch giving a address. The s*rmon was about recognising that unless we come to g*d with a knowledge that we arent pure and cant get it right then we will indeed have no hope. The story was of the tax collector the "scum" of the day beating his chest and asking g*d to forgive him while the pharisee a religious leader of the day remained pious. Normally a great address to deliever right. Well not for me and not today.
The guy pr*aching kept saying over and gain and over again "the scum people" would you let someone like that into your ch*rch, how would you react if they didnt fit your social set. Everytime he said "scum people" Josie who was out , went off into peals of laughter, so bad that at times she had to leave the ch*rch just to compose herself. She kept saying to us it sounds like the monster from the black swamp, well of course he saw her losing it and he used it more and more until she was falling off her seat in peals of laughter in front of everyone. She attends b*ble study when they saw her losing they set her off more because they said oh shes gone now. To which she connected eyes with them and laughed more. My husband didnt help because he kept whispering her ear when do you think hes going to say it again, so she laughed more.
At the end of the s*rmon the assistant preacher came to the microphone and made it worse by saying im not sure how many times you said "scum people" but it was a lot and i hope for all those psycholigically damaged you dont think it was addressed at you. To which josie was fast headed to the door again, he only said it to razz josie more and she reacted big time doors slamming im sure the whole church heard her peels of laughter from the entrance. My husband again not helping by saying are you psycholigically damaged josie ? To which by this stage she was at the tea and coffee spilling it everywhere.
Now to all of you this might be funny, but it isnt to me. I kept peeking out behind josie looking at people around her but mainly at R and i knew she wasnt comfortable with her performance. I was uncomfortable with her performance. But it was more than that i was uncomfortable because i believe i am a "scum person" and i am sitting in their church and i am the useless scum of the earth he was talking about. Whilst she found it funny i found it heartbreaking. I also found it hard because after the service people were laughing at how she found it funny and i peered out at R a friend ive tried to form a friendship with and i saw her move as fast away from josie as possible and i sighed and went might as well kiss another friend goodbye.
Later on Josie rang R and said are you still talking to us or what. ANd she said of course, josie said ot her i just wanted ot keep putting my hand up and say we are here " the scum people" have arrived. And R said laughing well we have accepted you havnet we. It was finally there at that point my heart went bang into my chest. And i realised that its what people think of us anyway. Whats the point. It stung for a second and then resoltely i thought well thats the end of ch*rch for me, it doesnt matter how hard i try, how hard i wish i could get it right someone always makes it a mess up, R is a close friend and what she said wasi n the jest to which it should have been given back, and for josie she thought it was funny but for me it was the last straw. I want to be not seen as that and i thought id done that but i guess it shows i havent and even if i tried to someone would come along and screw it up anyway.
So Josie and the rest can have their church, they can have their peals of laughter, their b*ble study their fun, once again it shows that what is good for some isnt good for others. There isnt a point anymore, im tired and im done.
Amelia
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