The last few days have passed in a blur and for those who want to catch up there is some of written on our close friends keepers korner blog, having rung her when our T was busy we used their toll free number as we always have but this time we were seriously sinking in a sea of despair so for those who are interested you can read some of this story over there at http://keeperskorner.wordpress.com/.
We were away for the weekend when we received not one but two calls from our sister on our mobile and even worse she had also left an sms we knew it was urgent. Calling her we found out that she had just spent three days in hospital, (we usually call every three days) and she had only just got discharged home, when there she was only allowed a few visitors all who had to be gowned and couldnt touch her. The first dose of chemo had taken out all of her immunity and she was calling to see that we werent sick so we could still visit, we were meant to be leaving 6 am tuesday morning. At that stage we knew things were pretty serious. the doctors perplexed at how this could occur are now desperately searching for answers on how this could occur and even worse what they might have missed. We immediately said we werent sick and would find our way to her to take the kids so she was ok. We heard the fear in her voice and immediately reacted as a protective sister. Saying we were thirty minutes away and asked if we could call her back. The second phone call was normal teasing our sis we were going to pierce her 16 year old daughter on a secret mission to the piercers and tattooist. Di then told us how much baby sitting we were doing once up there and the call ended as any call should.
Still something inside us started to click in, we realised that there was a chance our sis may not get through this even More than that something inside was warning us. We shoved all this aside and pretended to be fine for our kids and partner. But the niggling started and then the realisation and hurt for her for us for lots of things. A few hours later around 10 i think we received a sms from our sis saying that we were basically a flight risk to her, in other words she was worried we might carry a virus with us or catch one on the plane and to warn us we might not be able to come. Immediately calling her she wouldnt answer the phone and that was when we knew really deep down this coming. this was Di's way of dealing with anything text it and run.
Leaving it until the morning we called her and immediately said in desperation we would gown up do anything take nay blood test to coem an see her, our sis feeling we had put her in a corner did what mum used to do she placed the blame back on us and immediately hung up the phone. tears pourin down our face we didnt know what to do. we called and left messages crying pleading for her to talk to us, but this wasnt to be., we told her in one message we were scared and worried and sorry for being upset, Finally she text us basically saying she didnt want us up there and to back off and leave her alone, this it wasnt her problem we were hurting and to stop being so selfish and think of her. It was a very heart breaking moment our sis does this a lot, she will reel us in and let us go. Usually she initiates the contact and then after a while drops us like hotcakes until she picks up again a while later. this is normal for her but we have also spent a lot of time trying to not get into this pain again and here we are sitting right where we swore we wouldnt let it go.
This isnt about her illness not going up we are devastated by but not because we cant go its because we knew a week ago our sis probably would find a way for us to not be there, if it wasnt this it would be something else. We are hurt and sad we cant hold her but she wouldnt allow that her job now she has let us get close is to shove us away as fast as she can. That is why we have little contact because for us and our system it is the most painful of journeys. Our sis not once thanked us for the cost to come and see her the financial cost (we have just cancelled tickets and lost 100 bucks) the emotional cost the organisation stuff it took all we have got now is silence. This can last for weeks maybe months we arent sure how long this time. Mum could go months so can our sis. We can only send texts to her in the vain hope she might call us or contact us but id say from here on in she wont.
Our crime for this pain we got too close she let us now she has to punish us and herself for this. the tradegy we have done nothing wrong but love her, now we have lost in many ways, we swore the last time we wouldnt let her do this again and here we are back in the same spot, so what do you do. We cant help but love her but our heart gets broken our littes get triggered and our heart gets hurt and the game gets played with us always coming out feeling like crap, the truth is this time we dont know if we can do this anymore it hurts far too much and we are tired and yet we are supposed to be doing the right thing. But in this case the right thing either way is going to hurt us more.
Deshanti
We were away for the weekend when we received not one but two calls from our sister on our mobile and even worse she had also left an sms we knew it was urgent. Calling her we found out that she had just spent three days in hospital, (we usually call every three days) and she had only just got discharged home, when there she was only allowed a few visitors all who had to be gowned and couldnt touch her. The first dose of chemo had taken out all of her immunity and she was calling to see that we werent sick so we could still visit, we were meant to be leaving 6 am tuesday morning. At that stage we knew things were pretty serious. the doctors perplexed at how this could occur are now desperately searching for answers on how this could occur and even worse what they might have missed. We immediately said we werent sick and would find our way to her to take the kids so she was ok. We heard the fear in her voice and immediately reacted as a protective sister. Saying we were thirty minutes away and asked if we could call her back. The second phone call was normal teasing our sis we were going to pierce her 16 year old daughter on a secret mission to the piercers and tattooist. Di then told us how much baby sitting we were doing once up there and the call ended as any call should.
Still something inside us started to click in, we realised that there was a chance our sis may not get through this even More than that something inside was warning us. We shoved all this aside and pretended to be fine for our kids and partner. But the niggling started and then the realisation and hurt for her for us for lots of things. A few hours later around 10 i think we received a sms from our sis saying that we were basically a flight risk to her, in other words she was worried we might carry a virus with us or catch one on the plane and to warn us we might not be able to come. Immediately calling her she wouldnt answer the phone and that was when we knew really deep down this coming. this was Di's way of dealing with anything text it and run.
Leaving it until the morning we called her and immediately said in desperation we would gown up do anything take nay blood test to coem an see her, our sis feeling we had put her in a corner did what mum used to do she placed the blame back on us and immediately hung up the phone. tears pourin down our face we didnt know what to do. we called and left messages crying pleading for her to talk to us, but this wasnt to be., we told her in one message we were scared and worried and sorry for being upset, Finally she text us basically saying she didnt want us up there and to back off and leave her alone, this it wasnt her problem we were hurting and to stop being so selfish and think of her. It was a very heart breaking moment our sis does this a lot, she will reel us in and let us go. Usually she initiates the contact and then after a while drops us like hotcakes until she picks up again a while later. this is normal for her but we have also spent a lot of time trying to not get into this pain again and here we are sitting right where we swore we wouldnt let it go.
This isnt about her illness not going up we are devastated by but not because we cant go its because we knew a week ago our sis probably would find a way for us to not be there, if it wasnt this it would be something else. We are hurt and sad we cant hold her but she wouldnt allow that her job now she has let us get close is to shove us away as fast as she can. That is why we have little contact because for us and our system it is the most painful of journeys. Our sis not once thanked us for the cost to come and see her the financial cost (we have just cancelled tickets and lost 100 bucks) the emotional cost the organisation stuff it took all we have got now is silence. This can last for weeks maybe months we arent sure how long this time. Mum could go months so can our sis. We can only send texts to her in the vain hope she might call us or contact us but id say from here on in she wont.
Our crime for this pain we got too close she let us now she has to punish us and herself for this. the tradegy we have done nothing wrong but love her, now we have lost in many ways, we swore the last time we wouldnt let her do this again and here we are back in the same spot, so what do you do. We cant help but love her but our heart gets broken our littes get triggered and our heart gets hurt and the game gets played with us always coming out feeling like crap, the truth is this time we dont know if we can do this anymore it hurts far too much and we are tired and yet we are supposed to be doing the right thing. But in this case the right thing either way is going to hurt us more.
Deshanti
15 comments:
I have no words except thoughts to you all.
What a horrible and painful place to be.
Sorry to hear what's going on ... I realise you are hurt by her reaction and that is perfectly understandable (and it seems it isn't the first time she has done this). I suppose bearing in mind the childhood you both shared, closeness and trust within the family (not saying in anyway whatsoever that you were in any way to blame) is something that is maybe a bit hard for her to deal with. She must be so scared at the moment, just to think what she must be going through, both mentally and physically, at the moment is daunting. Sometimes when people are in pain and frightened they clam up (I know I do) ... maybe some of what is happening is just that as much as she wants your support it is also something she just can't deal with. As I said, I understand your pain but I think hard as it may be you need to try to remember the absolute turmoil she must be in at the moment. I think in theory she really wants your support but as it has got closer to reality she maybe just can't deal with it (especially considering how her prognosis and health just seem to be on a downward spiral since she was first diagnosed). Just pray for her and let her know via sms that it's ok, whatever she wants or needs is ok and that you are thinking of her and love her. Hugs.
JIP my friend. What a incredibly tough time for you right now. You are indeed in my thoughts and prayers. As is your sister.
At the end of your post you talk about doing the right thing. Well JIP, as much as this may sound odd, I believe the right thing right now is for you to care of yourself. In taking care and being nice to yourself, that will give you strength and healing. Once you have that and your cup is overflowing, then you can truly be doing the right thing by others. I hope you can find it in yourself to care and nuture yourself. It is important.
Yes you are in my thoughts and prayers and I will post on my blog in a bit asking others to think of you too.
xx.
hi kahless has invited me to your blog,
just would like you to know that i will be praying for you and yours x
dear JIP
thinking of you in this painful time. Sorry it is how it is and our prayers are with you, feel free to call anytime.
peace, blessings and gentle hugs
keepers
This is so tough for you my dear.
Just when you are starting to sort out your own painful stuff.
Makes it all so much more difficult to bear.
All I can do is wish you peace and tranquility to go on.
pxx
dear patches,
we are also running out of words.
dear kris,
yes our sis has done this before in fact a freind was just saying oh this is like such and such a time when she did this this and this and we sighed and said yes except this time its hurt far morethan we should have let it.
We arent sure if perhaps shes scared of lettin us see her this sick or not we just dont know.
Dear Kahless,
thankyou for your support on this the owrst journey so far this year even sams shit seems reasonable compared to this pain. and we still think you are ace
dear her indoors,
welcome to our blog and for your support and prayers.
dear keepers,
just knowing osmeone understands who we cna tlak ot on the phone is helping us greatly.
dear pixie,
thankyou for your care and concern and ypou are right this does suck.
we are so lucky
I'm so sorry, JIP. How very hard for you. :-(
I dont know why the doctors would be perplexed. Chemo does knock out your immune system. Its one of the serious side effects and quite common and something they have to deal with. They have to balance the chemo drugs and the immune system.When such a thing happens they have to, stop chemo, back off that chemo drug, use another one etc etc. Even tho you have history, just this once your sister could be acting on very real fears and concerns. There is a book, Chemotherapy and radiation for dummies. Maybe you could go to your library and check it out. Every person having chemotherapy has to stay away from every person with a sneeze, a cough, children that attend schools where they pick up all kinds of germs. When Torrey starts his chemo it will be upsetting but at times his own granchildren who he adores will not allowed near him. If I show signs of a cold, someone else will come and care for him and I will leave. This is a nessecity and not unusual hun.
ummmm in case you thing that title is insulting? we have the same book.
dear lynn,
thankyou for your care.
dear raine,
no the docs are re testing becaue they think they may have missed soemthing. We understood why she didnt want us there that wasnt the issue it was how she dealt with it and now the silence so wqe wont even know if shes ok or not, this is whats triggering us becasue its mum all over.
We are not concerned for her but this is what happens when we get close she gets angry heaps the blame on us and then runs for cover leaving those who love her liek us bewlidered and hurt and waiting.
Oh my, JIP, I am so sorry this is happening to you right now. You have enough on your plate without all of this.
It sounds to me like you are taking it so personally that your sister is pushing you away. But please remember, it is not about you, it is about the way you were both raised. She is doing the only thing she knows how to do in such difficult times. She is protecting herself from more pain. And while I know you don't intend to cause her pain, you only want to support her, we victims of horrendous abuse find great difficulty in accepting support or caring when we are hurt. We are so sure we don't deserve it. And if we do get it, it only reminds us of all the ugliness we got instead of love as children.
It may not be reasonable but it is the only thing she knows how to do right now. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you. It only means she doesn't know another way to cope. She would let you comfort her if she knew how!
To me this is the saddest part of our childhood abuse. The families that have been torn apart. The brothers, the sisters, even the children lost because of the unhealed wounds of child abuse.
Neither of you deserved this!
JIP, Like Rising Rainbow, I think your sister is acting/reacting out of the painful childhood you both had. It must be so hard to have her do this and when you might feel as if you won't have many chances. Please, please be loving with yourself. Do things that make you smile. Then you may be able to see a way to be of support to your sister and to yourself at the same time. Huge (((((((hugs))))))).
If your sister is sick, how could you have done anything other than what you did, no matter what the potential consequences? You must take care of yourself and not give yourself a hard time about any of this.
Remember, please, your sister's illness may not be deadly. Lots of people have terrible immune reactions to chemo and are unable to see others. That's not unusual and it doesn't mean things are going to end badly. When I was going through chemo, there were many times when I was not allowed to go out of the house because of the damage to my immune system. Try not to worry about her too much.
My heart hurts for you. What a terrible situation.
Hi JIP. Our friend Kahless alerted us about you. And as usual our friend Kahless has offered you a solid and sure comment. (I'm going to have to listen to her more often i think)
No one else can really know what you're feeling - none of us are you - I certainly don't know what i'd do in your shoes. It sounds as though this is usual practice between you and your sister and it seems as though you are being strong in yourself. Good for you. I'm so glad you can talk about it. You're so wise to have a blog - well done!
What's wonderful for you as well, is that your sister is in good hands - I understand that a doctor has a 'practice' and he/she 'practices' medicine, but he/she practices it way more than i do so i tend to trust them. Be calm! It sounds as though you will be contacted if ever you're needed.
I can catch a bit of a clue as to worry though. It's really yucky! Peace! Take good care of yourself. If you don't, no one else can. Be well! Kahless is good at telling things as they are. She's good for a giggle or two. Peace! Be well!
roses
Post a Comment