old learning to new

The last few days as we start to heal from sams reign we are recognising for the first time our chance to grieve for the loss of our freedom, so we have decided to do a theme on the price of living as a multiple or as it is known now as D.I.D as well the price of living in the extreme pain of trauma that is in the process of healing.

For us we have spent all our life with half memories no memories at all or even worse memories that are so bad you simply cant remember them. Why because as a small baby we were split our mind in order to cope with the trauma that had been dealt out to us we went a new place to stay safe and instead another part/alter came and took the first ones place.

Until sam was locked up we didnt actually appreciate time, in our life time has always been an issue. We either watched it far too closely or far too litttle, time has always been a preoccupation of ours. if we are late the system fall into panic almost hysterical, for in the life we grew up in time was an observance, things started and ended at a precise moment. We are now trying to understand a new place where time travels normally and its ok to not have to live by it constantly.

A few days ago we said to someone when we were approached in a shopping centre about how we stood perfectly still and said nothing. We had been taught early on to not move to not make a scene to not do anything that would draw attention to yourself. Even now when in danger we still stand still obedient to rules that we never understood but kept us alive non the less. we are trying to now learn that when people coem to you ina place you cna get help you go get it. But it is not easy to understand that back then is not now and how conditioned we are to not react.

We are learning to play for the first time. Our littles inside have never had a chance to play like normal children, they rarely saw a playground and when they did it was usually as an experiment to see how well they behaved. Our littles are trying to learn how to play sometimes we take them to playgrounds so they can watch and see what others do to know that how they were taught isnt how it truly is. The heartache is for those little ones inside who were split in darkness and who now peer out incredulous that there is sunshine when all they have ever known is darkness.

We are learning the power of tears. In the place where we grew up they took all your emotion and crushed them into dust. Crying was punished, screaming was punished, fear was punished, love was punished, happiness punished, grief punished, for some of our alters there is no understanding of emotion. I can remember once i was crying and a little came up to me and touched the tears and said wheres the tap, she had never known the concept of crying let alone where the tears come from.

We are learning that human touch doesnt hurt. That hugs are special and gentle and kind that an embrace isnt always sexual or painful. I often hear some in here when say our T hugs us (usually no one else touches us bar our T, dont know why just seems that way a lot) what is she wanting. trying to explain she is not wanting anything but to offer us comfort is a understanding they simply dont have.

We are learning that saying no is ok, where we grew up saying no was punished no was never an answer you gave. You never said no when being hurt or beaten or taken to places at night or anything. No is something that we could hear the rest of the world say but was inaccessible for us. No we have been told is a powerful word and we hope in time as healing comes we are able to use it as strongly as it should be used in circumstances it should be used in.

We are leaning to talk now most people talk but we are learning to talk about pain and hurt and secrets and their lies. Since sam has been locked up more and more of our tongue is being unravelled to talk of things we never felt safe doing before. Talking is something we arent necessarily enjoying doing and its uncomfortable when all your life youve been told to not talk but we are learning and doing and as painful as it is it is also very freeing.

We are also learning to listen to listen to our T, to listen to each other but more importantly to listen to god. Every day we listen more carefully and know by doing so we are hearing new things instead of old lies we are hearing new truths no matter how painful.

Being a multiple is tough but we have to accept it was our only chance of survival, our hope now is that as we heal we can share this journey no mater how painful with lots of people in the hope that our voice for the first time in our life is finally being heard.

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