Therapy and our fears

The things that still terrify us even after nearly four years with the same T. Our T is the most amazingly resiliant and gentle woman, whose got a fighting spirit that never lets up, reality is there should be no fear involved in seeing her or working things through with her yet there are, and here are some the things that still terrify us about T all these years later.

Because we have grown up being Yes people, in other words no was never allowed said or even thought about, whenever we see someone in authority we immediately become yes people, when our T suggests something and there is a niggle of doubt or a resounding no inside we dont openly say that to her instead we try to suggest other ideas or move the subject elsewhere if that doesnt work then we often say yes just because the fear of saying no and seeing the consequences or what we percieve them to be are not worth the anxiety level for any inside.

If we are not constantly showing we are the perfect system then our stress levels start to grow, the system could be lying on the bed deciding to live or die and will immediately be the perfect system if anyone walks in or close to, Josie usuall yor felecia emerge smile laugh and show the perfect image. As a child growing up the perfect image was essential to our life or death, it is a hard habit to break. Even more so if we show any ounce of crumbling to our T, not that we do not but the fear of doing so is horrible, sometimes our t has done exactly as the people who hurt us did andthats pull us up immdeiately we shut down and start with our routine of im fine. This is the hardest thing for us trying to let our T know we arent fine but without actually saying it. We often say it but then pause waiting for the well you have to be, this often in fact emerges from the past and not in actuality of what our T says or does.

As a kid being in trouble in some way real or percieved was always apparant, we were always the bad child the ugly child the dirty child, being in trouble was so terrifyingly constant, we were never not in trouble, most of the time we never knew what for but we knew it was just another excuse for anyone to torment our life. Now when our T says somethign to pull us up the system crumble like its happeneing all over again, it takes days to recover, yet she is the one who is supporting and helping us. So scared of being in trouble with even our T we often dont share what we should the fear is still raw that if we do then we will be left deserted in some place that is dark lonely and damp and she will walk away.

People always seemed to be mad at us when we were kids again never quite sure why, just people never seemed to never stop getting mad, doing the right things the wrong things seemed irrelevant they just always were mad at us. In the same way we think if we do tell our T something we think she will get mad at us she will come and place us into a horrible painful place where spiders crawl on you, until you learn to not make her mad. Often the fear of telling is so strong we simply dont then she gets mad at us for not trusting her enough to be telling her what is going on. But we are always amazed probably that her madness doesnt ever hurt us but we still wince waiting.

When growing up we knew never to tell never to disturb anyone to be silent even when they were hurting you so bad you thought you were going to burst from the inside. Disturbing anyone now is the hardest thing known to us. When someone says you can call me anytime because of some things that happened to some alters who did try and reach out, its very hard to do so easily. Waiting for someone to jump out at us if we do so is so huge, So afraid that for days after ward if we have stepped out and called out of hours for help that we are waiting for punishement from the person or from someone else, we are never sure which but either way its such a huge fear. We know some wait in here for our T to call the next few days afterward with you re never allowed to disturb me again out of hours, its such a fear its hasnt happened bar once and that was under extrme circumstances but still its frightening for us and since that one time we actually havent rung at any time bar maybe once or twice.

These are just only a few of our fears, even more predominate over easter do these fears lie, when we are most vigilant and most terrified and alters are all over the place. Someone just sai d to us look to monday and we have replied why we need to get through each night first before monday comes.

Sabrina

we ar frekin trin

i wernt gon rit this case me riting suks but somon on im sad rit we wil undasan ya an sides Josis gon com an fix up anthin sh thnk ya won get. rite now i am mad ya no lik rel mad but mor frstrased thn mad. No on wan be out evrithin is crp an no on wan se it on th otsid no mor wen thy can be saf insd, an i cn se wy we trin ta wrk tagtha bt it hrtin to muc ta se an we ant trin ta frick rond we trin ta pul it tagtha kris gon fa das an das Mitch doin stuf its scol holdas an M is gon wa on Thrsdy fa al esta no wonda we rekon notin wort it.
But we ar trin regrdls an it don fel gode wen ya bein told ya purposli trin ta self destrct it ant th cas evrithn so dark in her an i nefa sen suc pan an sadns an los an stuf. We don ask fa no sympthy jus a litl unastanding wil do we trin ta gt or hed tagetha.
If i cold be ote a lot i wold but i cnt cse i don tlk rit cse i ant ben ta scol an case it scol holdas an the kds hom al the tim. an thy gona not gt notin i sa an it makes me fel bad wen i wana help by bein ote but i cnt case i ta stupd bt it don men i ant trin ta hlp k.
We ar frekin trin an we gon kep trin until we cnt tri no mor, but hlp us tri an not gt mad wen we stumbl a bit an fal an shit alrit.

Dom with Josies help

we cant do this and wont

Its hard soemtimes when you know you need to do something but everything tells you you shouldnt. I knew when we saw M today that there was going to be little choice but for me to remove myself far away from any interaction internally or externally. I tried to tell M that today but i did it in a way that wouldnt upset her and therfor i think it wasnt heard really at all. As i was hugging M at the end (yes i do hug) i knew when i walked out that door i was walking away for a while. never one for any sad stupid soppy goodbyes, M said to me you arent doing this alone and i said nothing, i felt a lump in my throat, it was uncomfotable and wouldnt budge unless i removed myself from the embrace. I went down the elevators and looked up i saw M walking away i stared till she was out of sight.
I then sent a thankyou sms to her for her support and left it at that, i travelled the journey home my choice to see the day through as was now tradition, michael usually getting us there and me home on the way home i was thinking ok maybe i can do this maybe all i needed was time out, it didnt last long, i drove up to our house and saw one of the five year olds walking around in his pjs that i assume he hasnt got out of all day swigging from a cordial container that i hoped wasnt pure juice, I walked in the house it was tidy except for our bed not made (partner knows that irks us) the kids so obviously starved of any communication with anyone they talked ten miles to a dozen about their day, while i frantically got their dinner, closed curtains got son to start fire, and the same time saying anyone inside going ot help they are all so down right now no one wants to be out at all ever. partner acknowledges our arrival and says M rang to see you were ok and someone else can you get back to them im like when?
While he sat on his computer and worked he had been apparantly doing that all day hence why the kids were still in their jamas, when he wasnt doing that he was yelling at the kids to shut up so he could sit at his computer. no wonder the kids were so pleased to see us at least we bandaided up the cut R had got and gave the medicine L needed three times that day and hadnt got.
Its now after their dinner they are fed and quiet and our partner has not left his computer even though an hour ago he saiud he would. We simply need a break im sorry that I have nothing left to even call M but Saffron will take over for a while and the ever present Josie, we are heading to josies cave they know where we are but we need to get the hell outa here before we do some damage to the body that cant be fixed, thalia and i will be gone for however long it takes to be ok. We know on the throes of Easter the body wil be at risk but no more than us being here now, if they make it they do if not its all over red rover either way we are in no place to care.
Sorry this has to be said like this but im not into mushy hugs love and all that shit.

Sa'de and Thalia

nothing to say

M called on saturday night and said ok if i dont hear from you for more than a few days and your blogs are telling me nothing, or you arent even writing them, then i start to worry. We didnt say anything for a minute and then said thers nothing to worry about we are still here, and she said yes but for how much longer, we chose to not reply. We have flicked onto here and even started blogging but in the end scrapped it and walked away, there is sometimes little you can share of what is really going on in your life that sometimes its better to say nothing at all.

Sa'de