We are in the height of summer here and with some hot days we have been going to the beach a fair bit, our psych Mr Wonka gave us some homework to do before the xmas break and that was to practice breathing and so we do this whilst floating in the water. but it wasnt just that that we found interesting it is our own response to the function of actual breath that sometimes takes us by surprise.
By learning that we can deep breathe it has meant we have to recognise we have the actual right to breathe in the first place. For as many years as we can remember breathing was never taken for granted, we either were threatened with suffocation or wished we would stop breathing or held our breath in times of extreme pain or breathed so softly so that no one would think we were alive or we measured our breathing on what we thought our abusers might like to hear from deeply shallow to deep panting like we had run a marathon. Now our therapist wanted us to recognise not just that we had a right to breathe but where it came from as well.
I remember trying to deep breathe by holding my hands on my stomach but soon realised that seemed to freak the system out and it confused us as to why until one day i realised that the connection between our own body and the right to breathe were never connected. How abnormal it was for us to understand that a component of breathing is recognising that breath comes from our ability to be alive. Our basic understanding that body and breath are co joined doesnt seem to fit into our understanding. We once said to our psych that we feel often like we dont have any skin almost like we are an alien and have a body without the normality like other people.
That skin to us seems a strange concept because it means that my body is protected from infirmity and disease but we have always not thought of our body with skin at all, almost like we never had a right for skin so in many ways we dont see it there, when we feel our body we realise we are not joined with it almost like we know we have a body but are so repulsed by it that we have not a lot of association because the years of dissociation have caused a effect of still walking around without skin. So when we have been trying this deep breathing we have been struggling because it means we have to feel where our breath comes from and from us that means we have to understand that we have a body that is ours and that is a huge struggle.
This year both Jane and Mr Wonka have said they want to work on us appreciating our body and you know what that makes us sick to our stomach, it makes us want to puke. They have suggested it be good if we practice deep breathing whilst understanding that each part of our body has feeling associated with it, yet we are frightened by this concept, even worse that the skin we have removed so well might start growing back again and we might actually have a body that we could start appreciating. But still no matter which way we look at it body image for us has always been screwed so it should be no surprise that suggestions like that throw us for a six, because it goes against everything we have ever been taught and starts dissecting the programming that our abusers put in place.
Deshanti
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Friday, January 02, 2009
A year in review part two
We pinched this off
A Year in Review - part 2
I blog-napped this meme from http://enola-survivor.blogspot.com/ Join in if you want.
1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before? got rid of the people holding us back from growth including a therapist we had been seeing for five years
2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? We made one two years ago about smoking our response was to keep the same this year it has now been two years since we quit.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes two friends
4. Did anyone close to you die? No no one we wanted to
5. What countries did you visit? we wish we are still saving to see keepers and RR
.6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? A job we are appreciated in .
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory? 8th march the day we moved into our beloved home by the sea
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? gaining our independance
9. What was your biggest failure? our marriage
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? no and this was the first year we hadnt in all our life
11. What was the best thing you bought? freedom
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? ten months free of overdoses and SI
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? my bosses treatment of his staff
14. Where did most of your money go? savings where they remain still
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? getting a new Therapist
16. What song/album will always remind you of 2008? I will survive
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:a. happier or sadder? happier b. thinner or fatter? thinner . richer or poorer? richer in every way
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? watched more movies without falling asleep
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? over thinking
20. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with? margaret my childrens god mother
21. What was your favourite TV programme? hells kitchen, top chef, masterchef, judge judy (for michael) property developer, relocation relocation, project runway.
22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? yes but cant say it here
23. What was the best book(s) you read? Jordans crossing, the prophet, and one im reading right now thats terribly sad but so true behind closed doors
24. What was your greatest musical discovery? silence from kids singing the song watermerlon
25. What did you want and get? hope
26. What did you want and not get? complete healing
27. What were your favourite films of this year? the happening (oh now thats a spooky film) life is beautiful, the ron clark story and for the littles KUNG FU PANDA
28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? relived terrible memories we were 37
29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? yeh right we are multiples think we know :P
30. What kept you sane? kids, blogs, beeach, passion pop
31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Sam Neill and Pierce Brosnan (yum yum)
32. What political issue stirred you the most? The stock market crash and how it could have been prevented if only certain political figures had listened
33. Who did you miss? many people
34. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. Celebration
A Year in Review - part 2
I blog-napped this meme from http://enola-survivor.blogspot.com/ Join in if you want.
1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before? got rid of the people holding us back from growth including a therapist we had been seeing for five years
2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? We made one two years ago about smoking our response was to keep the same this year it has now been two years since we quit.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes two friends
4. Did anyone close to you die? No no one we wanted to
5. What countries did you visit? we wish we are still saving to see keepers and RR
.6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? A job we are appreciated in .
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory? 8th march the day we moved into our beloved home by the sea
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? gaining our independance
9. What was your biggest failure? our marriage
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? no and this was the first year we hadnt in all our life
11. What was the best thing you bought? freedom
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? ten months free of overdoses and SI
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? my bosses treatment of his staff
14. Where did most of your money go? savings where they remain still
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? getting a new Therapist
16. What song/album will always remind you of 2008? I will survive
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:a. happier or sadder? happier b. thinner or fatter? thinner . richer or poorer? richer in every way
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? watched more movies without falling asleep
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? over thinking
20. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with? margaret my childrens god mother
21. What was your favourite TV programme? hells kitchen, top chef, masterchef, judge judy (for michael) property developer, relocation relocation, project runway.
22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? yes but cant say it here
23. What was the best book(s) you read? Jordans crossing, the prophet, and one im reading right now thats terribly sad but so true behind closed doors
24. What was your greatest musical discovery? silence from kids singing the song watermerlon
25. What did you want and get? hope
26. What did you want and not get? complete healing
27. What were your favourite films of this year? the happening (oh now thats a spooky film) life is beautiful, the ron clark story and for the littles KUNG FU PANDA
28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? relived terrible memories we were 37
29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? yeh right we are multiples think we know :P
30. What kept you sane? kids, blogs, beeach, passion pop
31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Sam Neill and Pierce Brosnan (yum yum)
32. What political issue stirred you the most? The stock market crash and how it could have been prevented if only certain political figures had listened
33. Who did you miss? many people
34. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. Celebration
Thursday, January 01, 2009
What an ending to a year
Yesterday like the day before i worked, now to understand what i do is not rocket science its hard menial labour, involving heavy lifting and many hours on feet without rest, it involved going up down steps carrying heavy boxes, my bosses arent exactly sympathetic to breaks or rest stops, even if you want to they always find some way to get you back up on your feet, its a hard slog but one we havent minded up until now.
Yesterday was different, yesterday we did something we havent done for years and we lost our temper. It was 9.5 hours in, exhaustion was taking its toll we had single handily packed up the shop our boss walked in and said K go and do this and that and we were just mopping so we could get home to our kids who were waiting to go out with mum on new years eve, so far i was now forty minutes late and no end in sight and i started to get mad because this is what my ex used to do leave us waiting, and now here i was doing the same to my kids. I had the mop in my hand and suddenly we must have switched because the next thing you know its lying in three pieces on the floor snapped, it was a solid wooden mop, not an easy feet to break it like that, and we are heading up the stairs and out of the shop with our boss screaming did she throw that at me, and staff moving away fast.
We stood at the top of the steps in the open for ages taking gulps of air making sure we didnt let them see how upset they had got us, we stood up there for ages not caring about very much, recognising that anyone that could make any one of us snap to that degree was not worth it and we needed to quit. IT was five minutes later before our boss found us and instead of saying listen K go home and see your kids he gave us more work, and tried to use us an example of how a good a worker we were. he knew he had finally pushed us way too far, hes pushed us before but this was different. leaving that day they kept asking if we were ok we refused to answer so their way of saying oops shit we fucked up was to give us cakes and bread and god knows what else but no apology. We had had enough. Walking out with not much of a word and them still panicking we left.
When we got home we rang our ex co worker and she sighed and said yes it all sounds so familiar except for her she would end up in the toilet in tears, she was used until she burnt out, thats when we came along and now hes burnt us out, my new co worker will leave immediately if we do so i guess hes gonna have to find the non existent list of people he reckons he does have but doesnt have to become his newest slaves.
Funnily enough last year ended exactly as we wanted, with the same no bullshit dont treat us like crap approach we have maintained throughout 2008. It ended with the knowledge no amount of money is worth that exhaustion or pain. Sadly we were too exhausted to take our kids to the carnival so instead today we are going to the brand new swimming pool that has just opened up, we were asleep by ten o'clock but woke for the fireworks which we saw alone wrapped in a blanket whilst parties were going on everyhwere and families were chatting we listened as we sat alone wishing for the first time that we had someone to share the prettiness of the fireworks with as we went inside we realised that we had more than enough to share that with we had ourselves.
Yesterday was different, yesterday we did something we havent done for years and we lost our temper. It was 9.5 hours in, exhaustion was taking its toll we had single handily packed up the shop our boss walked in and said K go and do this and that and we were just mopping so we could get home to our kids who were waiting to go out with mum on new years eve, so far i was now forty minutes late and no end in sight and i started to get mad because this is what my ex used to do leave us waiting, and now here i was doing the same to my kids. I had the mop in my hand and suddenly we must have switched because the next thing you know its lying in three pieces on the floor snapped, it was a solid wooden mop, not an easy feet to break it like that, and we are heading up the stairs and out of the shop with our boss screaming did she throw that at me, and staff moving away fast.
We stood at the top of the steps in the open for ages taking gulps of air making sure we didnt let them see how upset they had got us, we stood up there for ages not caring about very much, recognising that anyone that could make any one of us snap to that degree was not worth it and we needed to quit. IT was five minutes later before our boss found us and instead of saying listen K go home and see your kids he gave us more work, and tried to use us an example of how a good a worker we were. he knew he had finally pushed us way too far, hes pushed us before but this was different. leaving that day they kept asking if we were ok we refused to answer so their way of saying oops shit we fucked up was to give us cakes and bread and god knows what else but no apology. We had had enough. Walking out with not much of a word and them still panicking we left.
When we got home we rang our ex co worker and she sighed and said yes it all sounds so familiar except for her she would end up in the toilet in tears, she was used until she burnt out, thats when we came along and now hes burnt us out, my new co worker will leave immediately if we do so i guess hes gonna have to find the non existent list of people he reckons he does have but doesnt have to become his newest slaves.
Funnily enough last year ended exactly as we wanted, with the same no bullshit dont treat us like crap approach we have maintained throughout 2008. It ended with the knowledge no amount of money is worth that exhaustion or pain. Sadly we were too exhausted to take our kids to the carnival so instead today we are going to the brand new swimming pool that has just opened up, we were asleep by ten o'clock but woke for the fireworks which we saw alone wrapped in a blanket whilst parties were going on everyhwere and families were chatting we listened as we sat alone wishing for the first time that we had someone to share the prettiness of the fireworks with as we went inside we realised that we had more than enough to share that with we had ourselves.
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