To understand this blog see blog below this one.
My daughter returned from her godparents today along with my sons. Speedy was going out the door without shoes on and his father turned to him and said speedy come here and speedy sometimes doesnt hear. I lowered my voice and addressed speedy he turned and listened and came inside and got his shoes on as he was doing it i heard his dad say to him your godfather said you had an attention span of only a second and hes right.
I turned and hissed dont you dare bring what soemone else has said out of malice into my house and into your sons hearing. he already has to deal with stupid adults he doesnt need to be put down by his own father. I didnt realise missy moo was listening and she turned to me and said mum they talked to speedy all the time like that and i said i know and she said he kept asking what hed done wrong and getting upset and they didnt care. By now im biting back tears and saying its ok ill talk to you later about it. Missy moo turned and as i looked at her i saw confusion in her eyes, the first sign of recognition that people she loves can also hurt her, even though it was her brother it is her brother and they are very close.
So now i have to deal with two or maybe three hurting children whilst trying to cast aside some triggers for me. Now for those who dont know speedy has some learning difficulties, he has speech therapy once a week at school, every day he has over an hour of reading recovery and he has to have a class timetable or else he forgets everything. He finds it hard to connect words to actions hence lowering my voice changes the tone so he stops because its not the normal drone he hears. Because of the countless hours of working with speedy he is at the place he is today, everyone who knows us knows how we have done that. Speedy is a fighter and tries his hardest he is a clown and we all love him. His godparents know of what he has gone through and that is why i find it hard to understand.
But i also know a few truths. you see as much as they are godparents to my kids they also took me in at 17 we were a mess drugged to the eyeballs anorexia just starting, drinking anytime we could and we were pretty feral, they took us in and fed and loved us. But it came with a price in order to always be in favour we also let them put us down publically or privately. Even recently when someone turned to us , in their hearing and said wow you really think alot dont you the smart remark from one of them was oh its only for show she wasnt born with many brains. Whilst everyone laughed i didnt say a word, so used to it and knowing to put up with it so i could keep gaining their love.
But slowly ive been pulling away as i regain confidence i start to see how put downs dont help you out. But i also recognise that i have switched from one family who put me down to another. Like speedy i always spent a lot of saying what did i do, when i was put in cupboards or under the table eating from a dog bowl or sitting outside in the dog kennel, i spent all of the time saying what did i do wrong. And the truth is nothing except i was born, in the same way when speedy and his twin brother was born people were disappointed and it hasnt stopped.
People like the godparents felt that i was undeserving of having so many kids and that a multiple cant cope. Many others like them felt number four and five coming into our home was not appropriate that on top of the problems we have had with the twins developmentally is what we deserved for being so "greedy", and the twins got caught up in the wash. Like speedy not understanding what hes done wrong we also dont understand peoples responses. I know that this will be a fallout from all this personally for us we now need to look at what we have just accepted as part of what is needed to gain someones approval, for my kids we need to try and find a way of telling them its not them.
Either way my heart is hurting in a woundedness i havent felt before. A lump painfully burning in my chest and throat and a wail reaching deep down inside starting to bubble in pain.