To understand this blog see blog below this one.
My daughter returned from her godparents today along with my sons. Speedy was going out the door without shoes on and his father turned to him and said speedy come here and speedy sometimes doesnt hear. I lowered my voice and addressed speedy he turned and listened and came inside and got his shoes on as he was doing it i heard his dad say to him your godfather said you had an attention span of only a second and hes right.
I turned and hissed dont you dare bring what soemone else has said out of malice into my house and into your sons hearing. he already has to deal with stupid adults he doesnt need to be put down by his own father. I didnt realise missy moo was listening and she turned to me and said mum they talked to speedy all the time like that and i said i know and she said he kept asking what hed done wrong and getting upset and they didnt care. By now im biting back tears and saying its ok ill talk to you later about it. Missy moo turned and as i looked at her i saw confusion in her eyes, the first sign of recognition that people she loves can also hurt her, even though it was her brother it is her brother and they are very close.
So now i have to deal with two or maybe three hurting children whilst trying to cast aside some triggers for me. Now for those who dont know speedy has some learning difficulties, he has speech therapy once a week at school, every day he has over an hour of reading recovery and he has to have a class timetable or else he forgets everything. He finds it hard to connect words to actions hence lowering my voice changes the tone so he stops because its not the normal drone he hears. Because of the countless hours of working with speedy he is at the place he is today, everyone who knows us knows how we have done that. Speedy is a fighter and tries his hardest he is a clown and we all love him. His godparents know of what he has gone through and that is why i find it hard to understand.
But i also know a few truths. you see as much as they are godparents to my kids they also took me in at 17 we were a mess drugged to the eyeballs anorexia just starting, drinking anytime we could and we were pretty feral, they took us in and fed and loved us. But it came with a price in order to always be in favour we also let them put us down publically or privately. Even recently when someone turned to us , in their hearing and said wow you really think alot dont you the smart remark from one of them was oh its only for show she wasnt born with many brains. Whilst everyone laughed i didnt say a word, so used to it and knowing to put up with it so i could keep gaining their love.
But slowly ive been pulling away as i regain confidence i start to see how put downs dont help you out. But i also recognise that i have switched from one family who put me down to another. Like speedy i always spent a lot of saying what did i do, when i was put in cupboards or under the table eating from a dog bowl or sitting outside in the dog kennel, i spent all of the time saying what did i do wrong. And the truth is nothing except i was born, in the same way when speedy and his twin brother was born people were disappointed and it hasnt stopped.
People like the godparents felt that i was undeserving of having so many kids and that a multiple cant cope. Many others like them felt number four and five coming into our home was not appropriate that on top of the problems we have had with the twins developmentally is what we deserved for being so "greedy", and the twins got caught up in the wash. Like speedy not understanding what hes done wrong we also dont understand peoples responses. I know that this will be a fallout from all this personally for us we now need to look at what we have just accepted as part of what is needed to gain someones approval, for my kids we need to try and find a way of telling them its not them.
Either way my heart is hurting in a woundedness i havent felt before. A lump painfully burning in my chest and throat and a wail reaching deep down inside starting to bubble in pain.
Deshanti
12 comments:
As for making fun of you: sometimes people use put downs to express familiarity and relationship because they are uncomfortable showing love. Like when we are kids, and there is an attraction developing between boys and girls, and so they make fun of each other for attention because it is hard to admit directly the feelings. I am not saying it is right, I am just saying it is what happens sometimes. They may just be immature and not sure how to express care and concern. '
As for the kids: different story. Any adult in authority can not use put downs. You are right in your concern for the effect those comments may have.
JIP people who put others down are people who have issues with themselves and the only way they can pretend they don't is to put others down.
I know your godparents provided you with a home and helped you but there is still no reason for them to put you or your kids down.
please remember that you are not what they say and neither are your kids
anonymous,
im really sorry but i cant find words to respond to what youve said
s'onnie,
thankyou for your support. Ill talk to missy moo over dinner tonight and let her get what she needs oput. This is most painful for her as she is the godmums favourite and i think shes got a shock.
The last visit though bekka boos copped a lot of it, basically its favouratism gone horribly wrong.
D-
With you as a Mother these children will have just what they need, I am sure of that!!
My heart goes out to you.
Vicki
It's too bad when people have to be so hypercritical. My family is much the same way. It can be extremely damaging. For instance, here I am in my middle years and still do not trust myself to make decisions because I was always told that my decisions were foolish and wrong.
I can understand that you feel you owe these people something for taking you in when you needed someone. I can even understand you letting them bad-mouth you when you lived there.
What I don't understand at all is that you made them your children's godparents. You don't owe them your children.
Find someone for godparents who knows how to love your children, not own them.
I feel so bad for Speedy! Please, don't ever put him thru that again. And as for your daughter realizing that people you love can hurt you, too? Well people you love shouldn't hurt you that way, or other people you love. Protect your children from that kind of tyranny.
I do not understand why people hurt people. Children wounds can go so deep. My oldest child was disabled & remains so, but childhood was hell for her. I am still very very protective and will always be. DON'T HURT MY KIDS! YOU DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO JIP! You are doing a good job.
I don't get it. I don't get how adults can do this to kids. I really don't. When I was married, my in-laws were like this about my son who has Down syndrome. As if he wouldn't know or understand. And they were like this about his cousin who was a bright kid but too independent for their liking.
Nothing brings me to fury faster than seeing adults mistreat a kid, especially when they think they are "helping."
In my experience, they don't have a freaking clue what they are doing to the child. Not a freaking clue. They pat themselves on the back about what great parents or grandparents or whatever and don't have a clue what damage they are inflicting on the children.
JIP:
Not everyone takes things the same or means things the same way as you do. I definitely think it is wrong to use put downs. It is a sign of immaturity. It is not O.K.
I was trying to make the comparison to teenage or adolescent behavior, when kids will make fun of each other as a way of relating because they don't know what else to do.
Some adults never grow out of this hurtful childish behavior.
But since you said these were good people, we can not assume they are trying to be deliberately crushing. In that case, I am just wondering if they might have poor or immature socialization skills when they try to relate to others.
If that is the case, it might not mean they are being as hateful as they appear.
But if it is expressed to them in clear way how hurtful they are being and have been and still don't care, that is another story.
oh and background to my comment:
Right now I am going through a lot of things were I am hurt over some things that keep happening from "good" people that I trust. I am inclined to push them all away because of the feelings I have but that might be a mistake especially if they don;t know how I am perceiving them and depending on whether or not they intend to hurt me. They could not realize what they are doing.
Jip I hear what your saying...in the past I was surrounded by people who use 'biting' comments in a joking manner. It doesn't hurt anyless because it's said under the guise of a joke.
I am reading a really good book right now called Silver Boxes by Florence Littaeur(sp?). It is about encouragement and speaking in uplifting ways to people. It has reminded me how much people, especially kids need to hear kind words and encouragement.
She also rights books on personality types...ie..outgoing, task oriented, introvert, people oriented..etc...
I find when I learned the different personality types it helped me understand peoples weaknesses and strengths better and not always view it as something personal against me (which I do often)..
Since I became integrated; I have finally begun to assess my own personalitya and my own strengths and weaknesses better and how I effect others.
Sorry to be so wordy. I hear your pain and hate when people disregard childrens feelings. I see it all the time in the grocery store and other places and just want to stop and say something to the adult doing it.
It sounds like you are doing some reclaiming here. This is growth. Be proud of yourself! Paul
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