My teddy bear

I thought id go on writing. Some things make me so much sadder than others, so mr wonka said it would be good to talk about things about me so i hope this doesnt bore anyone.

When i was little i think just after Deshanti and me were born/created my mum and dad gave me a teddy bear his name was nicholas or nicky for short to love and to hold. I used to walk around with him holding him by his hand he used to drag down beside me. I took him with me everywhere when we visited my nana and grandad he came with me, when i would wake up after the last thing i remembered was sitting in a chair and the next i was in bed, he was beside me. When i felt sad or lonely he was my friend and i would whisper in his ear. Sometimes nicholas would go missing and i would get really upset and i wouldnt understand how that could happen but my mum would always know where he was and bring him back to me, she used to say nicholas was only for good girls like me not bad girls like others she knew. I never understood that at the time but now i do understand that as her meaning deshanti. For deshanti she would remove nicholas for me he would be returned.

At age fourteen i can remember holding my nicholas when the people in robes did things to me for the first time. I held him as i closed my eyes and flew to the ceiling and stayed there watching them, nicholas lay in my arms as i went away. I didnt matter where we went or how often nicholas went with us, when we moved house and grew up he came with us, hidden in a cupboard or in a box or on my bed it didnt matter i knew he was there. he was the one and only toy i was given as a child and i treasured him so much and still do.

But then one day about three years ago Mon started to ask about nicholas she asked and asked and asked and asked, each time she asked where he was someone hid him sometimes i hid him sometimes others in here. She said he was evil a transporter of bad and horrible things that my parents and the cult had planted awful things inside him and that was why we were so attached to him because we were so attached to the cult and the only way to get free was to hand him over for her to deal with. I hid him so hidden i thought no one could find him i panicked pain in my heart. But she didnt let up on and on and on she went, finally telling the littles that if they didnt hand him over they were allowing evil to come back into their lives and she wouldnt be able to help them anymore.

And one sad day after she had come over with a friend of hers to so called pray over the house, she told the littles to hand him over or else. So they did, and i cried and cried and cried, my one and only present from my childhood was in this womans hands, i wanted him back, i wanted her to give my nicky back. She held him in her bad hands and turned him over stating that because his stitching was undone he was filled with evil concoctions. I was hysterical inside his stitching was undone because he as old and loved. That day she took him home and the next day or day after she rang gleefully to tell Sa'de she had burned him along with my mums signet ring that she also had managed to get in her possession. My nicholas my only safe friend was burned he was dead and part of me stopped caring it was only a few days later that i took all of those tablets.

I dont understand how this woman can still be in practice, she goes on doing the same things to others and she doesnt have any remorse and instead I am left with the scars she left me with trying to find a way to get help and get better. Sometimes this world is all wrong.

Amelia