the seed of truth part two

we said we would do a blog re our experiences with meeting godly ententies and how we managed to know the differences. Talking to pastor smiles the other day we realised we by proxy were able to differentiate between a godly entity and a satanic one. Afterward we realised a huge event took place that pastor smiles never even realised we had stumbled upon a knowledge that we were able to immediately tell a true god from a fake one, even more amazing that we didnt even realise this (well some alters may have gone der) until this meeting.

When we were seven we met a entity that although hiding his face seemed to replicate some element of god. we had been placed on meat hooks and had been dangling there oh who knows how long and our small frame was starting to restrict in on itself and part way through semi consciousness tripeze (the alter experiencing this event) saw a angelic figure in light whose face was not showing in fact to her eyes it was blurred, this figure of light captured her small frame and lifted her down, laying her on the stone floor she curled up and can distinctly remember how warm it was under her body. Exactly in her area in one small space lay heat bricks warming her naked body, over the top of her she felt a blanket had been placed and in her mind there was one yet one was never there, she for that moment was safe and warm. In asking her over and over shewill remain steadfast in her faith that God visited her and saved her life, she talks of staring at this light for ages before she fell into deep and relaxing sleep. Later her perpetrators came to find her and turned on each other as they both accused who could have set her free, even more anger when they stopped and felt something different than satan in the room. For months afterwards they used all things possible to contaminate the area she was found in, and it seemed for trapeze no matter of blood spilt could diminish her belief an angel came to save her. Later on some event took place that hurt tripeze deeply but i dont think it ever diminished the seed of truth of light and dark in her.

or then there is the time that we were ten maybe twelve and were lying on a stone altar and bleeding out in fact more than we should have and it was obvious we were in fact bleeding far too much hemorrhaging and the doctors present werent able to do much again in a moment of semi consciousness this alter saw a figure of light again its face not showing blurred from her vision and it stood beside her and touched her stomach where we felt a warmth stretch what seemed for miles upon her and this figure told her it wasnt her time yet and no more harm would come to her that night. This time though this figure never hid itself from her abusers and they turned on each other and suddenly it as chaos a ritual had bean turned upside down, the result they never used that site ever again. But they still didnt let up on us, in fact it seemed to make them more determined to destroy whatever was in us to cal such a higher power to our side. Yet we didnt know we had called anyone.

Or the time a four year old swears that when she was left in a cage too long and was hurting too bad an angel would take her out its face not seen but it would hold her and touch her body till it felt better and would humm and sing to her about how much god loves her. this alter also talks about seeing this figure when they (her abusers) would poke food through her cage and she knew it wasnt going to be as bad and she would be ok.

So i guess this part is hard here we are having experienced god yet he never stopped anything except to keep us alive. This part is painful we dont have answer to that and we may never have answers, its hard to try and find answers in that, god saved us yet let us suffer but he also let us know about who he is, you see the miracle isnt in our survival through terrible pain or torture its our survival of the mind. I believe god by giving us the seed of truth and glimpses of him although obscured facially showed us truth and with that the truth kept us alive. Looking back we know that if that was Jesus (and its a big if) he wouldnt show his face to us because of the cults degradation of him to us, if hed shown his face we would have freaked out, but hat doesnt mean it was him what it means is that god revealed himself to us but never stopped what went on i think thats the most confusing piece of the puzzle for surely gods presence should have stopped them touching us ever again yet it didnt, and that makes us so deeply sad.

Sa'de and soul; and amy and selina

one seed of truth

Yesterday we had a long meeting with our pastor. We werent sure how the meeting would pan out but before xmas we saw our female pastor and she suggested whilst Jane is away we see them after new year to talk about any spiritual issues we might have had over the new year. Going to see pastor ( who we will call pastor smiles ) has not been an easy event on our behalf, not because he isnt nice nor his wife pastor gentle but because sitting with a pastor is not an easy event for us. We arent intimidated by them but have had a history of getting into theological debates that rage on and on, more to annoy than to actually find a resolution. But this time is different we are for the first time genuinely searching for answers but more importantly open to listening shoving our arrogance aside.

Seeing pastor smiles or pastor Noel or anyone whose field is religious used to rise such hatred in us but now it only fuels a thirst and hunger to know why they are so sure of what they believe, we listen with rapt attention and look into their faces to search for anything that can tell us they are bullshitting when we see they arent our curiosity is aroused enough to ask many many questions, hence this led onto yesterday. Pastor smiles and us got into a discussion about why we are searching for the truth as opposed to living in lies and i believe we found some piece of the puzzle yesterday.

We have had a burning question this last five months (since leaving mon) to find and search the truth, even if that meant we had to face our own inadequacies and failings. But when we have looked back over all these years we have always had something deep inside us that always searched for the truth. Even in the depths of hell or the most elaborate ritual we still needed to know the truth, but more importantly our nature is once we've found the truth we are steadfast in not letting go of it. And i think this is why satanism failed for us because there were so many inconsistencies and lies that we couldnt throw ourselves into it full ball because it was never going to be truthful. Looking back and asking certain alters we have now come to the conclusion that the reason they spent so many hours going through christian rituals and beliefs and even going through bible passages over and over again to disprove christianity to us was because i think they knew a seed lived within us and if they could destroy the seed then they had us for life.

I believe god gave us a seed that he himself protected a seed of truth opposed to lies, i also have come to a conclusion that every survivor of SRA has a seed deep within them that is also protected and if you look back as to what they were trying to destroy it would specifically be that seed. But if you can see that then you can also see hope, because if you are survivor it means to some extent that godly seed hasnt been touched or harmed even if you think it might have been. For us gaining that basic truth has told us why their training of us was so specific, i dont know wether they knew what the seed was but i think they had a pretty good idea but for all their teaching they never got us to believe their truth and ultimately without that they were never going to succeed. Oh they could get certain alters to perform but never the entire system and that was why they never truly had us. Perhaps whilst the seed of truth was and has been protected so have we with our life being spared more than once, but it also enabled us to recognise a true vision of god as opposed to their depiction of one.

We realised for the first time yesterday with pastor smiles help that we did indeed know god and had perhaps even seen the compassionate Jesus (a blog we will do next) but until we talked about our spiritual experiences we truly havent understood the full impact of them. The truth is god revealed his truth to us in the most horrible places with visions of him and kept his seed of truth alive in us, alive enough for us to i believe have some form of protection from god and alive enough to now really be yearningly searching to know this god who placed a do not touch button around the one seed of truth he planted, thank god.

Thalia

time to start the work again

the lastr few days we have had friends visiting they have known us a long long time and are god parents to our five kids but there has bene one thing ive noticed that like most people they struggle to get along with the twins. Now for those not familiar with my family we have five children ages ranging from 12 to the twins aged nearly seven. Now the twins have various issues including mild autism and aspergers with M being much more demanding than his twin brother.

Over the course fo the last few days ive noticed more and more that my visitors would rather they be out of sight than within in sight now this isnt something you notice as much as feel. Last night they kept saying when are the twins going to bed until finally i sent them to bed because it was obvious they were not supposed to be up. But whats interesting is this is causing us many levels of distress and confusion. We also have refound fear of rejection ourselves and so have started to move back into ill do anything you will like me for even if i dont believe it.

We shut ourselves in our room last night afraid to come out in case we got something wrong, they are of course not intentionally doing that this is who they are, they let us sleep in, they mind the kids and have been an enormous help to me and the kids but i feel so inadequate around them, they play games with my kids and we dont know or understand that games, as a child we never played games it seems so foreign to us. But because the twins are so young they cant play some of the games and become like us a foreigner by not understanding what to do.

I am hanging back now almost like i myself are like the twins an off shoot in my own home. I feel like i dont know what to say or do in case of it being misinterpreted, adn i relaised now why i have so few people in my life its so complicated its much better having no one than having someone you feel so inadequate beside. Even if its my own insecurities showing they are real non the less. it also drives home the reality that my childhood home was ever far from normal and i think thats the thing ive been trying to avoid these last ten months, the reality of life as we knew it as opposed to the reality now and the contrasts they draw. So desperate to only focus on the positive in case that dreaded depression strikes back we have also tried to avoid all conflict that lies within being a multiple and the life we were dealt as a child, now with a sigh i realise we cant stave off it any more its back to working on our stuff again. SIGH>

Josie