January
It was a busy month with people coming and going from our place as the summer months really hit. We found oursevles trying to cope with this barrage as people came one after the other to stay at jips house by the sea. By the time the end of january came around we were too exhausted to even start thinking about sending the kids back to school. it was something we said we would never do again.
Febuary
As we sat in the water on the hottest day ever recorded in victorias history, history was changing elsewhere. A huge firestorm engulfed towns and homes sending all of victoria in a state of mourning as the new slowly broke that 174 people had lost their lives, schools towns communities rallied to raise millions of dollars. it also changed the face of fire warning in victoria. Now instead of stay or go it simply says leave and dont stay with wanrings now listed as catastrophic conditions and all who own a mobile phone is now wanred of the threats if they reach catastrophic, hopefully the carnage will never occurr again.
March
As our confidence started to grow we decided thta our birthday whcih had previosuly been a boen of contention were now going to be celebrated with valour. And so on our 38th birthday we booked a break with our kids and spent time having fun with them. it has set the preceedence for years to come. And reminded ourselves that life is too short to not recognise the fact that we are on this planet.
April
As the colder weather started to come in we also foresaw a change elsewhere. We started to notice that Jane (our therapist at the time) was starting to say things that were warning bells that she wasnt coping in counselling us anywmore. We also realised that whatever we said if it was about the church because she was our pastors supervisor it was going straight back to them.
May
The news we suspected was coming. Jane had decided to let us know she wouldnt be seeing us anymore. Although this news was hard we took it quite well. Noel then came forward to us in private saying he had a new therapist for us and if we were interested he would make enquiries. Later on this last year we also learnt that Janes own supervisors were in fact friends with mon no wonder she wanted us to just leave it.
This was also the month that we went to the church pastors with a few concerns and found ourselves startign to relaise that our pastors were not people we were actually beginning to like. This was laso the month that people were starting to leave the church including one of wondeful bible study guiders.
June
As jane stepped back Mr wonka stepped forward. We found out that jane hadnt been working side by side with mr wonka but had indeed had no communication with him but one. As he started to show interest in what was going on for us alters started to communicate witgh him. I can certainbly say now that it has been a hugely healing step for us and our understanding that therapy can work has been founded by this therapy with mr wonka.
June also gave us the biggest heartache we had had in years. We were called into a meeting where we were told that our behaviour was no longher acceptabel and we were given a list of rules to follow. But it was laso the month tta we found out that a meeting had taken palce about me and in that meeting against my permission the female pastor had disclosed we were a multiple. A betrayel we find unforgiveable. Espcially when the discloser was the same pastor whose a counsellor herself at church.
July
This was the start of seeing rachel. We found her quiet and reflective, and stil find her so. Noel came to the first session and we took it from there. She has had little experience with multiples but somehow that made us feel a heap better.
This was also the month that we received news that our friend keepers who we had now known for nearly five years had left our life no explanation as to why something we stil ldont know.
August
This was also the time when we undertook a heap of vonteer work and started to gain confidence in huge ways. We found that we arent a half brain but have a passion for food and a talent that goes with it.
It was also the time that we started to cook for foodbanks at our church in the last final attempt to find out if it was just us or wethehr what we were seeing at chruch was real or not.
Septemeber
hearlded a massive celebration it was eighteen months since we had fled our home and left our husband to start a wonderful new life but........ it was also the time that we had a year under our belt after leaving mon.
It was also the time that afer eighteen months we bid goodbye to the fruit shop and decided to concentrate on gaining entry into college as a trainne chef.
This month also started the change between getting to know rachel to actually starting to do healing work.
As this happened with rachel so amelia was making huge steps wioth mr wonka
October
We found we had pretty much decided to elave church when our tiem at foodbank was complete. We also foudn that we really didnt like what we saw going on and that mainstream chrsitianity was actually not a place we wished to visit or get invovled in.
Meanshile we also found ourselves startign find alters who wanted to start working at therapyu and working hard. The first on the lsit was what the fther had doen for us a poretty much unheard of notion with mon as those alters stayed away from her.
we also enrolled at college with one course hospitality and the other social work.
Nowember
We wook our sons to sydney for the first time and then went back with a friend a few weks later. This was the last of our wish list for 2009. With the previous three already having been acomplished.
We found out we hadnt got into social work but.......we had achieved a place at college in hospitality whcih was our first choice anyway.
Decmeber
I paid for and achieved my goal i became a college student studying cooking WOOOHOOO
I said goodbye to foodbank and the church it was a unflamboyant affair.
we hosted a christams day lunch for thrty five people
last night we spent the night in the city going from one club ot the next having a ball.
and finally we set four new goals for 2010 and made a decision on what direction we wished to take as far as social and family relationships.
Friday, January 01, 2010
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
trouble in paradise
A few months ago i made friends well acquaintances with someone from school. Missy moo had made friends with her daughter and we got talking and clicked. But her life has been filled with drama, at the point i was meeting her she had met a guy on some chat line and had moved here from another state to be with him, only to find him to be not as she thought and totally incompatible. She was still deciding whether she was staying here or not when i met her.
Within five minutes i had learnt all about her life but had shared nothing of mine. Something was always holding me back. After a month she decided to stay but find her own house, one night after she had some drinks she left me with the kids as she went back to talk to her ex and as i was sitting there i felt that what she was trying to show me wasnt really what was underneath.
Slowly but surely after she moved to her own house she immediately found a new boyfriend and the pattern continued, but when she wasnt with him she was visiting me constantly. I couldnt go the beach with my kids to swim without her coming to see me. I was starting to feel claustrophobic and in the span of only two months she had latched herself to me as her new best friend but i am not so reciprocal. One night she called me to once again say how bad her life was and how she was seeing behaviour in he 6 year old son to do with aggression. So i said to her the reason she is seeing that is because her kids have seen and know far too much because of he lifestyle and maybe it might be a time to sort herself out and stop screwing with them. Needless to say she started screaming at me down the phone before hanging up on me. I wiped my brow and went phew. But shes like a bulldog she dont give up.
The next day she was once again visiting me. Then two weeks later she turned to me and quietly said my new boyfriend is jealous of you you know that dont you. I twisted my head and said incredulously why? She said it was because he felt i was a threat to him and was going to take her away from him. I looked at her and said and why would he think that W, and she said because i told him you were gay, i went wow why would you do that. She didnt say another word and i went oh time to move from you and fast. But as quick as anything i said W i dont like you like that i want to make it very very clear that i dont seek a relationship with you now or in the future, i dont sleep with friends in fact i dont sleep with anyone so you wont be on my list. I was pretty mad by this stage. I knew she was playing a game and I was one of her pawns
I started to move back from her but then the phone calls started escalating five times a day and i have got to the point where i wont answer the phone if its her. Yesterday i get a call from her five minutes after she got back from holidays wanting to meet at the beach i replied was busy but she didnt sound happy. Then later on she called and the kids answered the phone she wanted to say she just wanted to chat as usual she gives tit bits about what was going on and this time i went listen i dont have time for this either you tell me what you want to or im going. So she tells me a story of being bashed by him because he got jealous of me and how upset she was, and by this stage my body is starting to go cold. This woman is putting me as a pawn in her chess game. This guy is a sheriff for the police department and she is telling him god knows what about me and im sure most of it isnt true.
Then finally last night i got a call from her saying that he had called her and wanted to know if shed spoken to me to which she said yes, even after i told her to say no to everything and how mad he was and how he was insistent i was over there, then she hangs up the phone and im left with my heart racing. Imagining all sorts of crazy things like him coming to hit me in the middle of the night because some crazy woman has got it into her head that im in a relationship with her even if in fantasy. It took me ages to calm down and to be honest i had to actually call a friend something we rarely do anymore.
Now ive got his situation to deal with and hope that i dont get my head kicked in in the process, whilst convincing the system we still are safe even if we dont quite feel like it right now.
grrrrrrr
sa'de and flame
Within five minutes i had learnt all about her life but had shared nothing of mine. Something was always holding me back. After a month she decided to stay but find her own house, one night after she had some drinks she left me with the kids as she went back to talk to her ex and as i was sitting there i felt that what she was trying to show me wasnt really what was underneath.
Slowly but surely after she moved to her own house she immediately found a new boyfriend and the pattern continued, but when she wasnt with him she was visiting me constantly. I couldnt go the beach with my kids to swim without her coming to see me. I was starting to feel claustrophobic and in the span of only two months she had latched herself to me as her new best friend but i am not so reciprocal. One night she called me to once again say how bad her life was and how she was seeing behaviour in he 6 year old son to do with aggression. So i said to her the reason she is seeing that is because her kids have seen and know far too much because of he lifestyle and maybe it might be a time to sort herself out and stop screwing with them. Needless to say she started screaming at me down the phone before hanging up on me. I wiped my brow and went phew. But shes like a bulldog she dont give up.
The next day she was once again visiting me. Then two weeks later she turned to me and quietly said my new boyfriend is jealous of you you know that dont you. I twisted my head and said incredulously why? She said it was because he felt i was a threat to him and was going to take her away from him. I looked at her and said and why would he think that W, and she said because i told him you were gay, i went wow why would you do that. She didnt say another word and i went oh time to move from you and fast. But as quick as anything i said W i dont like you like that i want to make it very very clear that i dont seek a relationship with you now or in the future, i dont sleep with friends in fact i dont sleep with anyone so you wont be on my list. I was pretty mad by this stage. I knew she was playing a game and I was one of her pawns
I started to move back from her but then the phone calls started escalating five times a day and i have got to the point where i wont answer the phone if its her. Yesterday i get a call from her five minutes after she got back from holidays wanting to meet at the beach i replied was busy but she didnt sound happy. Then later on she called and the kids answered the phone she wanted to say she just wanted to chat as usual she gives tit bits about what was going on and this time i went listen i dont have time for this either you tell me what you want to or im going. So she tells me a story of being bashed by him because he got jealous of me and how upset she was, and by this stage my body is starting to go cold. This woman is putting me as a pawn in her chess game. This guy is a sheriff for the police department and she is telling him god knows what about me and im sure most of it isnt true.
Then finally last night i got a call from her saying that he had called her and wanted to know if shed spoken to me to which she said yes, even after i told her to say no to everything and how mad he was and how he was insistent i was over there, then she hangs up the phone and im left with my heart racing. Imagining all sorts of crazy things like him coming to hit me in the middle of the night because some crazy woman has got it into her head that im in a relationship with her even if in fantasy. It took me ages to calm down and to be honest i had to actually call a friend something we rarely do anymore.
Now ive got his situation to deal with and hope that i dont get my head kicked in in the process, whilst convincing the system we still are safe even if we dont quite feel like it right now.
grrrrrrr
sa'de and flame
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
If mainstream christianity isnt the way then what is ......part two..........
Ok now i mightn't have made it clear. Christianity i am not opposed to mainstream fundamental Christianity although right for many isnt what is right for us. Our pastor truly believes that he is correct and true in his thinking and my pattern of inking is that he is for who he is but it isnt for us. So it left us at a quandry. We have questions that are deeply spiritual because we are and will continue to be spiritual people, but the questions arent mainstream or even theologically correct but they are still mine.
We have written many times before that the cult taught us to behave even if we didnt believe. To be good to be still to think only beyond one measure so that a job could be done, but even in the times of darkness we still had thoughts The cult many many times tried to punish this out of us but they never could for whatever reason we were given a brain the remained operable even after torture of the most extreme. Our constant question but why wasnt an irritant but merely a conjecture as to why people choose certain paths in their lives both good and not so good. I think since the start of our moments of reading we have had a fascination with subjects that mainstream society doesnt care about.
And so the othr day a good friend asked a very pertinent question - is there a chance jip that god created us from mere randomness and not a clear thinking as the bible says. And so our mind started ticking - Christianity for years has tried to dispel Darwins theory of evolution but i have always had the bleeif that however it was created god created it. Yet many people fear that if god didnt have a clear course of thinking regarding human beings then somehow that must be bad. But what if god did have a clear thinking that humans might evolve from apes and that through that process g=human form balanced out to who we are today. You see i dont know if i believe that but it also means that because im not sure perhaps Darwinism is a point that i wish to think in the future.
Then along with my decision along came MR Wonka. Mr Wonka did us the greatest service of all he gave us one book a book that we find ourselves devouring with amazing speed. Its a book called Sophies world the story of a fourteen year old girl whose mind is curious and who starts receiving letters from a philosopher. Now what i find fascinating about this story is that neither Satanism nor Christianity have allowed my mind to explore philosophy - yet so many answers may lie in it. The interesting thing about philosophy as opposed to Satanism or Christianity is that there are no answers, the greatest gift you can give is the gift of questions, but understand you know nothing.
I think perhaps as i read sophies world i realise that what people fear the most is someone asking questions that they cannot answer. Let me give you an example the otter day i was at a boring lunch at a restaurant and i turned to someone who happened to be a Christians and i started asking questions about her partner the more i asked the more annoyed she got until she told me i was asking too many personal questions when in fact the last question i had asked was how she met him. A simple question to most but perhaps not if you are not so sureabout where a question is leading. In this case my response was a simple as the question i responded the only way you would consider that personal would be if you were embarrassed about it. But isnt that what my point is - under satanism and Christianity mainstream my questions aren tolerated because it takes you out of a square and puts you into a diagonal prism.
What i have discovered is that if i knew philopsophy was this much fun i would have studied it years ago. I like the thinking that encourages questions and find now as i ask the questions i have become an attentive listener. But that still doest answer how i fit philosophy and Sophie's world and god and all that into one element, if there is such a thing. Where does Jesus fit in? God? Bible?
next blog ill try and explain.
to be continued.................
We have written many times before that the cult taught us to behave even if we didnt believe. To be good to be still to think only beyond one measure so that a job could be done, but even in the times of darkness we still had thoughts The cult many many times tried to punish this out of us but they never could for whatever reason we were given a brain the remained operable even after torture of the most extreme. Our constant question but why wasnt an irritant but merely a conjecture as to why people choose certain paths in their lives both good and not so good. I think since the start of our moments of reading we have had a fascination with subjects that mainstream society doesnt care about.
And so the othr day a good friend asked a very pertinent question - is there a chance jip that god created us from mere randomness and not a clear thinking as the bible says. And so our mind started ticking - Christianity for years has tried to dispel Darwins theory of evolution but i have always had the bleeif that however it was created god created it. Yet many people fear that if god didnt have a clear course of thinking regarding human beings then somehow that must be bad. But what if god did have a clear thinking that humans might evolve from apes and that through that process g=human form balanced out to who we are today. You see i dont know if i believe that but it also means that because im not sure perhaps Darwinism is a point that i wish to think in the future.
Then along with my decision along came MR Wonka. Mr Wonka did us the greatest service of all he gave us one book a book that we find ourselves devouring with amazing speed. Its a book called Sophies world the story of a fourteen year old girl whose mind is curious and who starts receiving letters from a philosopher. Now what i find fascinating about this story is that neither Satanism nor Christianity have allowed my mind to explore philosophy - yet so many answers may lie in it. The interesting thing about philosophy as opposed to Satanism or Christianity is that there are no answers, the greatest gift you can give is the gift of questions, but understand you know nothing.
I think perhaps as i read sophies world i realise that what people fear the most is someone asking questions that they cannot answer. Let me give you an example the otter day i was at a boring lunch at a restaurant and i turned to someone who happened to be a Christians and i started asking questions about her partner the more i asked the more annoyed she got until she told me i was asking too many personal questions when in fact the last question i had asked was how she met him. A simple question to most but perhaps not if you are not so sureabout where a question is leading. In this case my response was a simple as the question i responded the only way you would consider that personal would be if you were embarrassed about it. But isnt that what my point is - under satanism and Christianity mainstream my questions aren tolerated because it takes you out of a square and puts you into a diagonal prism.
What i have discovered is that if i knew philopsophy was this much fun i would have studied it years ago. I like the thinking that encourages questions and find now as i ask the questions i have become an attentive listener. But that still doest answer how i fit philosophy and Sophie's world and god and all that into one element, if there is such a thing. Where does Jesus fit in? God? Bible?
next blog ill try and explain.
to be continued.................
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Its not a journey we wish to take anymore......part one..........
About four weeks ago something dramatically changed within us. its taken this long for us to catch our breath enough to try and write about what that is. For the lat year we have been on a journey of not just healing but a personal and spiritual journey. So many things werent adding up for us as far as Christianity and all that surrounded it. Then we decided to meet with the pastor to ask some questions in one last hope that we might find answers via him.
I Sat in his office as he slowly but surely barraged me, along the lines of we are doing our best to accept you and extend grace to you but you are making it difficult its Ike you are her to only condemn. And as tears poured down my face i realised that because i am unable to mould into the Christian paradox my search has pretty much ended. I walked out of his office knowing that it was pretty much the last time i was prepared to hear from another human being how inept i/we were. And as sadness drove our feelings a sign of relief was also pending.
Suddenly just like when we were leaving mon a world of possibilities opened up it was like alters were opening like flowers through floodgates of tears. Suddenly those questions we were shoving to the side because of being told that it was wrong to think them started to flow. Questions like how do mainstream churches differentiate between one sin being worse than that other. For example why is in christian churches all gay people are going to hell when according to the bible one sin is the same as the other. From the beginning of time if you believe the Adam and eve story, god created woman as an afterthought who then caused Adam to sin via satan. Then according to legend a tower of babel was made by man that then caused separation of all people into tribes and languages thus giving a basis for mainstream bigotry and hatred. So many questions that had always stuffed just beneath the surface was raging up once again.
And finally the biggest hardest question of all. if god is the creator of all then he created Satan which has been causing us all sorts of problems. You see if that's the case then the first person who thought up evil must have been god himself because god created all beings and things, if before god created there was nothing then god must have thought long before Lucifer was created of evil being a choice. Therefor my problem lies that the god who i thought i followed originally had caused the element of pain to start with. And that Lucifer was only doing as Judas did and followed instincts of self gratification the same feelings god must have created in the first place.
And so with all these questions in mind i/ we decided that mainstream Christianity didnt come with flowers it came with chains, chains that moulded you the same as satanism had done all those years before. So knowing that our journey away from modern day church was now finished where an earth were we to go next, and then we discovered two thoughts that have started us on the start of such an amazingly new journey.
to be continued .................
jip-etal
I Sat in his office as he slowly but surely barraged me, along the lines of we are doing our best to accept you and extend grace to you but you are making it difficult its Ike you are her to only condemn. And as tears poured down my face i realised that because i am unable to mould into the Christian paradox my search has pretty much ended. I walked out of his office knowing that it was pretty much the last time i was prepared to hear from another human being how inept i/we were. And as sadness drove our feelings a sign of relief was also pending.
Suddenly just like when we were leaving mon a world of possibilities opened up it was like alters were opening like flowers through floodgates of tears. Suddenly those questions we were shoving to the side because of being told that it was wrong to think them started to flow. Questions like how do mainstream churches differentiate between one sin being worse than that other. For example why is in christian churches all gay people are going to hell when according to the bible one sin is the same as the other. From the beginning of time if you believe the Adam and eve story, god created woman as an afterthought who then caused Adam to sin via satan. Then according to legend a tower of babel was made by man that then caused separation of all people into tribes and languages thus giving a basis for mainstream bigotry and hatred. So many questions that had always stuffed just beneath the surface was raging up once again.
And finally the biggest hardest question of all. if god is the creator of all then he created Satan which has been causing us all sorts of problems. You see if that's the case then the first person who thought up evil must have been god himself because god created all beings and things, if before god created there was nothing then god must have thought long before Lucifer was created of evil being a choice. Therefor my problem lies that the god who i thought i followed originally had caused the element of pain to start with. And that Lucifer was only doing as Judas did and followed instincts of self gratification the same feelings god must have created in the first place.
And so with all these questions in mind i/ we decided that mainstream Christianity didnt come with flowers it came with chains, chains that moulded you the same as satanism had done all those years before. So knowing that our journey away from modern day church was now finished where an earth were we to go next, and then we discovered two thoughts that have started us on the start of such an amazingly new journey.
to be continued .................
jip-etal
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