ive just come back from seeing mr Wonka and usually we dont have time to write until days later but tonight we arent ok and felt we needed to write or say something. Today Mr Wonka was talking to us about the fact that we seemed so ok and that usually people from our background showed high signs of trauma but we didnt. And you know what at first i felt he was saying well because you are high functioning this couldnt have happened to you, and i was like oh here we go. But he wasnt saying that what he was wondering was why, and i answered the best I could. The truth is that we are so afraid of falling apart we would do anything to stay as high functioning as we are. Every day we tightly wrap our system and dont let it do. We use the control the cult have taught us to maintain composure and make sure that only whose supposed to be out is out.
What he doesnt know is that we are so afraid of being out of control that we hermit ourselves especially at home away from the world. The truth is we are very afraid of this world and we trust no one we have made a vow that we will do anything than be back at that girl who was so out of control we ended up in another state with no memory at all of how we got there or the girl who would wake up beside a stranger and say hi who are you. Or the girl who opened a box of crayons and started drawing the walls of the toys tore. We in fact would go to any lengths to never ever again live in a trauma filled chaos world, but the cost of this control is high.
Perhaps that showed a little bit today. just as i was sort of smiling at how we have got things under control bang Mr Wonka started to talk about perfection again. And bang the same alter who had immobilised our system a week before was out again this time my heart was racing i didnt want him out not if he was going to immobilise us again and immobilisation scares the crap out of because it means we cant keep check on whats going on or race away from danger if our body isnt working. this alter started talking about making mistakes means that youll hear the squeals no mistake means you wont.
I look around and see Deshanti start shying away and im thinking i dont get it. Shes gone a slightly pale colour and i was distracted enough watching her that i didnt realise that a nine year was presenting but this alter was totally numb from the neck down. No feeling no life no anything, and shes talking about the squealing how it doesnt stop and how shes lying on the floor in a row waiting to be taken somewhere where they cant play with her body a lot because she doesnt have feeling and im looking at deshanti quietly shaking inside saying not the squealing. I was watching Mr Wonka trying to get his head around what she was saying and at the same time i wanted to scream at him stop her talking its doing something inside an i dont know what that means but i dont like it. I want to yell dont you see this is EXACTLY the reason we have such a tight reign on the system so we dont flip out and look like a freak. And at the same time im thinking oh great now ive got a head with no body now i am a fucking freak.
I knew somehow i had to get some control back before anyone showed panic and if someone whows panic then anything can happen and thats what i dont want. So shove Deshanti out, im not too sure what they talked about but the body got back together and i quietened the system down. Inisde on the way home i heard Dehsanti quietly saying to Daisy anything but the squeals daisy. When we got home i threw up my head was thumping and i can hear internal sobbing. And I want to yell at them stop it dont you see how important it is to be high functioning IT IS SO IMPORTANT. And then it dawned on me who was the greatest perfectionist of all, perhaps my fear of being seen as a multiple out of control as we have been labelled before and when we saw mon is driving this terrible fear of hiding everyone and everything at all costs. So i guess the question i have now is do we stop therapy and just go back to hermitting ourselves or do we keep going and say stuff it get it done get it out and over with., i know the consequences if we dont but is it ok to say im scared to face whatever the squeal means. Right now i dont know.
Sa'de
7 comments:
I feel something like this when it comes to expressing sadness. I can express anger but not tears as I was taught that tears are weakness.
Keep fighting, Sa'de. All of you. Fight for safety for you all first and freedom at all costs.
safe hugs if you want them.
ang et al
Hang on my friend. You have made it when many would have given up.
Sa'de it takes a very long time after working with a crappy therapist to trust...those who were a part of that therapy retreat...hang in there don't give up therapy.
Rachel sounds like she has been a helpful and compassionate therapist.
I can see how scary this can be. I believe in you! You have come so far and survived so much!
Take care! *hugs* <3
is it fair ta make all those within suffer in silence because ya cant let go of bein perfect?? look at tha 9 year old ya were talkin bout an try an tell her she has ta continue ta suffer cuz you dont want ta unravel......just sumthin ta think about
Tyrell
Well, I think that dissociation is perfectly designed to keep the signs of trauma from showing. As much as I also hate to lose control, I have to be vulnerable and let the feelings come so that I can heal. I've just found no other way around feeling those feelings.
I know it's hard, but you are showing great honesty and awareness.
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