I felt i didnt have a choice

I met with Rachel last week for the first time. I took the moment when Noel was there to introduce myself and see her face to face. I felt safer with Noel there, for me he is a person who i know wouldnt let harm come to me. We didnt have a long time together but i did like her. I told her she was pretty and she got all embarrassed then i got embarrassed cause id embarrassed her but for me i was only saying what i saw and she is pretty. So this week i ventured to see her again.

We talked a lot about whats important to me. things like church and god and purity and being good and the normal things that most people know about me. but then we got onto why the rest inside mightnt trust me. I dont know why i shared what i did perhaps i felt the others inside had really tried to protect me and i wanted to explain some things to them and felt safer with a third person. Perhaps all those years of thinking was starting to make me feel sucked in, i dont know but i felt it was time to share.

Two and a half years ago i did something that wasnt that great, one night after talking to mon i took a lot of pills, i hid the phones i lay down in bed and waited for my angel to come and take me to be with god. Rachel asked about my angel and i said that i often saw her as id often seen angels with other people, i didnt think it was strange so for me waiting for my angel was normal. Except this time i waited for my angel to take me to be with god because i would be dead. I knew exactly what i was doing this was no impulsive thought, this had being a thought accumulating for many months..I knew and could see that the more time they spent with mon the worse life got, i also knew that when she decided you werent useful anymore she found a way to get rid of you.

I can remember clearly that one day when Noel was there at therapy i came out hoping that she would talk to me and stop making my life a misery and she told me instantly that until i did as she asked she wouldn't talk to me, from that day on i knew one way or another she would find a way to kill me, be it in spirit or in life. Im not sure why she wanted to do that but i have my ideas, ideas that no on would believe but im not stupid i might have memory lapses but the last two years in seclusion inside have helped me see why getting rid of me might be important.

Then one night after she had spent the day disorientating and playing with the others inside heads, she placed a phone call to me. Do i know if she knew i would answer maybe she did, i often came out when everyone else was disorientated. The conversation went a bit like this Amelia you know you are hindering the others from working through their issues, if you continue refusing to tell me your story which is important for others healing then i will have no choice but to talk to others inside and organise for you to go elsewhere until you will talk. She then said she had another crisis to deal with and to tell the others she called and that she will expect my decision shortly.

For me when mon organised others to be sent away they always ended up on the third level, where they were tortured abused and hurt. As i sat there in my chair and Rachel staring at me with her big eyes showing recognition that effectively mon had given me no choice. I quietly told her that i first hid the phones i then went and got some alcohol and swallowed pill after pill after pill. Death was my only reprieve, for me for them to continue seeing mon they would ultimately be signing my death certificate anyway. For me i knew inside that mon was a bad bad woman and if no one else could stop her hurting the others inside then i could stop it all in death.

I suppose its not often you will hear anyone say that the only way to escape their therapist is to kill themselves but thats what i felt i had to do. I know its probable that no one will understand that but for me mon had become my abuser and i didnt have anyone to turn to to tell so i did the only thing i could.

I know now that Sa'de saved the body's life i know now that my decision to do what i did jolted everyone awake and i know now that because of my actions mon is no longer in my life. I am getting better day by day, but i have this terrible niggling horrible fear that somewhere out there she is twisting someone elses life just like she twisted mine, and i have this awful fear that just maybe she isnt who she says she is.

Amelia