food and pain

Yesterday we saw Mr wonka as Rachel is still away. We were talking to him and he was asking us questions about why we have chosen cheffing as a career. And we said we have thought so long and hard about why that might be. It could be that we were starved so badly that we became infatuated with food, or it could be when we read the magic faraway tree and went to the land of treats and we realised that food can be good for you as well. Or it might be when we were allowed to eat we ate as much as we could and we dreamed of what it would be like to be able to eat anything at all.

The truth i we are not sure why we are so infatuated with food. But as we talked we also talked about being starved so we could look good for all my parents friends or the times we saw banquets of food and was amazed that there was so much food in the world. Or the one time when we were turning seven and we had been locked in a room for two days, we didnt know where we were or at whose house except it was old and it had stairs. When we were allowed out we came downstairs and there was a lavish feast assembled and everyone kept saying it was our special birthday treat. having never had a birthday really ever acknowledged before we were astounded. After this birthday treat where there were only adults we were introduced to the American our grandfathers friend and we were told that just like the food was a gift for our birthday so too would we be a gift for this man. Over the next fifteen years this man abused us in ways that the cult never could. The scar upon our mind because of that damn seventh birthday party is a scar that will remain for the rest of our life.

Either way food has played an important part of our life be it in tormentor or friend that perhaps we now have reached a conclusion that food is important to us because it matters to our health and well being. But as we talked yesterday the pain in our chest was tight the tears just beneath the surface was bubbling, the headache forming as alters expressed their pain and as i sat in the chair and felt myself begin to float away with too much pressure i knew all i wanted to do was leap from my chair scrunch myself to the ground and let the system grieve for the pain of life lost. instead i stoically held it together but the cost of that is today as the body aches and the head hurts and i feel tired, i know only too well that pressure means we have come close to raw pain and not let it go. My stubbornness my indecision on how Mr Wonka would react to a seven year old howling on his floor allowed for me to hold them back, but the cost is as always high. perhaps also the indecision on how will anyone understand what it was really like, This is sometimes a really hard job.

Sa'de