Lifes Spacings

A goodbye from all of us to you

2010-06-14T09:02:00.005+10:00

Well who would have known that a few days ago we wrote a blog about saying goodbye and now we find ourselves doing the same. For four days we read blog after blog about our life. Our very first blog was about the fact that we started our blog for our therapist to read so we could communicate with her without having to talk to her out of hours, and our last blog is about closiing down this blog so she cant keep reading our blog out of hours.

And now im writing a blog about saying goodbye to life spacings because we have felt that we are facing new chapters and challenges in life and lifes spacings has been about not so many triumphs as sadness. This has been a hard decision but as we start so many things new we dont wish for some people to be reading. The last few weeks ive felt more and more uneasy about mon and her party reading my blog. And as ive wrestled with a decision to close this blog we have come up with one conclusion.

Our journey the last two years has been so amazing so life giving that we believe we have outgrown life spacings and have indeed started on a new path. We feel we need to leave the past behind and start again. We want this new journey to not involve some people who have hurt us and i dont wish to give them privy into our new triumphs when being with them has caused us so much hurt.

Indeed there are new paths we are entering, new journeys and triumphs, indeed a new style of therapy has imparted a new way of living. As puzzle pieces fall into place (thankyou RR) we dont think life spacings is the place we wish to share those.

We want to thank each and every one of you for walking this journey in life spacings for the years you have. We know you will understand the reasons behind our choice to move on, know that each moment each time each journey you have given us in you has been incredible and life giving. We look forward to sharing a new journey with you for this might be goodbye to lifes spacings as a blog but it isnt goodbye from us, we just need to close this chapter of our life.

But we would like to communicate with you if you wish to you are welcome to email us at bezco@hotmail.com

We will keep this message up for a while then lifes spacings will be gone.

yours always

Jip-etal

we are back blogging - some horrific stats.

2010-06-12T12:52:00.005+10:00

Over the last week ive been noticing some anonymous proxys on my blog in the stats. I didnt feel comfortable with that as i know that ever since i have made a formal complaint against mon this has been increasing. I wasnt comfortable with this and so took my blog away fro a little while. In the meantime i did something that i should have done a while ago and have spent the last few days (on my week off) re reading all of my blogs from start to finish. And here are some of the stats i picked up.

Three times our system tried to move away from getting therapy from mon, only to find one way or another we ended up back at her office.

Over 5 attempted overdoses and nearly thirty threats of wanting to kill ourselves whilst seeing mon

Rosies own words were that felt her job was "to track us"

We counted nearly seventy i love yous given by mon to us on our blog when she writing them.

Twelve times we wrote that if we didnt answer the phone to her then she would have plan b up her sleeve and that was she would call our friends.

Mon wrote on a blog back in January 2008 "the more i work with survivors the more i realise that to love them unconditionally and to be a friend is one of the most powerful healing experiences that i can offer"

There are over ten times when monica wrote a blog on my blog which started with the words "I"

Monica wrote on our blog that the reason we had to be placed in hiding is because "they had been threatened that they would not leave alive", the threat came from a therapist at mons work who was a fellow survivor and had been programmed to kill us, well thats what we were told anyway.

When we asked mon to give evidence of the things that she accused sam of doing she refused our request, saying it wouldnt do anyone any good to see it. So i have never had any evidence that we have done any of what she accused us of.

monica charged us for calls she made to us whilst she was in england, so even though we had cleared our therapy debt before she left when she returned we were back to owing her another 180 bucks even though we had never seen hr in eight weeks.

Mon spent a lot of time hugging and holding Little's stroking their hair and telling them she loved them.

monica told us that we would probably be too damaged to ever be able to work.

Over five hundred times was a blog about ab reacting after during or near therapy when seeing mon. or when she had called us out of hours.

so lets compare it to now

We have two therapists whom we are happy with and have not tried to cease therapy with them.

We are NOT friends with our therapists and they are NOT Friends with us.

We have not overdosed or self inflicted since ceasing therapy With mon.

We can answer the phone with ease.

our therapists have never called us at home or any other place

we dont get charged when we go over time or get charged excessive amounts of money.

Our therapists have never said they love us.

Our therapist has never touched us. Except mr wonka who shook our hand once at the door when leaving.

In four classes time we will have sucessfully passed our cert II in hospitality. this also included service hours in a busy restaurant.

And lastly and more importantly we do not ab react anymore and that is the most important healing step.

Sa'de

flying a kite

2010-06-09T15:30:00.003+10:00

Last night my eight year old son and i headed off in the freezing cold wind down the beach with a kite in our hands. In all of our life we have never had a chance to fly a kite, in fact we dont even know if we knew how to fly one, but we were fast learners. The kite lifted high and we did figure eights and swirls and we froze and as the light faded i treasured that moment with my son as we giggled and talked together.

In fact it reminded me of how sad life has been that a simple treat such as flying a kite is something we hadnt done as yet. So tonight both the twins are braving the elements yet again to go down and kite fly, then after that we are making pasta together and making pink and purple cup cakes. We have so missed seeing our kids, with only four days left until graduation we are relishing the few days off to enjoy moments with our kids and rejuvenate our own selves in quite gentle ways.

jip-etal.

When is it time to say goodbye.

2010-06-07T22:15:00.005+10:00

just today we received news that a blogging friend had decided to leave blogging land and for all the sadness we felt we also know that the time was right for her. Of recent we too have found less and less time to blog our real life playing out in dinner services and cooking classes. In fact in moments when we are alone we can barely even get the energy to turn on the computer let alone blog, yet there is something that always keeps bringing us back to what we call part of our home.

Many times we stare the screen and have nothing to write because our life has become the fairytale of normality, even trying to find words that over two years ago we could barely string two words together that didnt involve how we would kill ourself or how we needed help. And now we find ourselves far from suffocating from the past but we are finding renewed strength in understanding our amazing future. We find ourselves more willing to hear the inner voice in torment and less willing to hear how we can shut that child up. We are finding that we can in fact breath when we thought our breathing was always to be owned by another person. We are finding that feelings are important and bit by bit we are trusting our therapists to help us grow with feeling no9t live without. We are finding that we are very much a like able and popular person and that people rather than being repelled in our company actually in fact enjoy it. We are learning that moments of freedom are actually a gift we would have been born with before they put us in chains. Yet in allof that we still find we cannot do without our blog.

We know one day there will come a time when we too feel we have nothing more to say but we recognise that whilst our journey may seem amazing to us it too is touching those who journey with us. As we close one therapy chapter in mon and get closure we have started a far more therapeutic one with mr wonka and rachel. No we indeed arent ready to stop blogging just yet for we have too much to say, but we know one day there will come a time when like our friend blogging makes way for new ventures, and that too we look forward to.

Thalia

A ten question meme

2010-06-05T16:33:00.004+10:00

Thankyou to mago from http://63mago.blogspot.com/ for this meme its been ages since we have been invited to do one and was very pleased at having been asked we will think of the next ten questions tomorrow and think of some people to pass this meme onto.

Ten questions

1) Do you believe in ghosts?

We believe in spirits both light and dark. We have seen them and know what they look like.

2) Are you content with your life?

Not at this point, life for us seems to have only just started and until we have made the im[act we want in the cooking arena we choose to go into then no we feel we have missed so much of life and am now just starting to catch up.

3) Have you ever been at or close to point blank?*

I am not sure what that means but we have been close to death if that is what it means.

4) Is philosophy necessary?

Necassary and i think after learning about it this last year also important. {philosophy is a wonderful exploration of all the questions why and whats more philosophy likes you asking why.

5) Do you live with books?

Oh yes, too many

6) Have you ever been on stage?

Yes

7) Do you regularly read a printed newspaper?

I wish we had time, instead we see the news each night and we always check the news on the Internet.

8) Are you afraid of the future?

No way far too excited for that

9) Do you know yourself?

At this present time only just scratching the surface

10) Will you play on?

Possibly youll have to wait and see!

food and pain

2010-06-02T11:43:00.006+10:00

Yesterday we saw Mr wonka as Rachel is still away. We were talking to him and he was asking us questions about why we have chosen cheffing as a career. And we said we have thought so long and hard about why that might be. It could be that we were starved so badly that we became infatuated with food, or it could be when we read the magic faraway tree and went to the land of treats and we realised that food can be good for you as well. Or it might be when we were allowed to eat we ate as much as we could and we dreamed of what it would be like to be able to eat anything at all.

The truth i we are not sure why we are so infatuated with food. But as we talked we also talked about being starved so we could look good for all my parents friends or the times we saw banquets of food and was amazed that there was so much food in the world. Or the one time when we were turning seven and we had been locked in a room for two days, we didnt know where we were or at whose house except it was old and it had stairs. When we were allowed out we came downstairs and there was a lavish feast assembled and everyone kept saying it was our special birthday treat. having never had a birthday really ever acknowledged before we were astounded. After this birthday treat where there were only adults we were introduced to the American our grandfathers friend and we were told that just like the food was a gift for our birthday so too would we be a gift for this man. Over the next fifteen years this man abused us in ways that the cult never could. The scar upon our mind because of that damn seventh birthday party is a scar that will remain for the rest of our life.

Either way food has played an important part of our life be it in tormentor or friend that perhaps we now have reached a conclusion that food is important to us because it matters to our health and well being. But as we talked yesterday the pain in our chest was tight the tears just beneath the surface was bubbling, the headache forming as alters expressed their pain and as i sat in the chair and felt myself begin to float away with too much pressure i knew all i wanted to do was leap from my chair scrunch myself to the ground and let the system grieve for the pain of life lost. instead i stoically held it together but the cost of that is today as the body aches and the head hurts and i feel tired, i know only too well that pressure means we have come close to raw pain and not let it go. My stubbornness my indecision on how Mr Wonka would react to a seven year old howling on his floor allowed for me to hold them back, but the cost is as always high. perhaps also the indecision on how will anyone understand what it was really like, This is sometimes a really hard job.

Sa'de

News about our complaint against mon

2010-05-29T08:47:00.005+10:00

With all the schooling we are doing we have also been doing something else. We took a break over the holidays at Easter rejuvenated our batteries and came back and placed a formal complaint into the Australian Counsellors Association regarding mons membership with them. I sent off a letter that im afraid i cant place here until the process is finished and i received a call back from them.

But i did receive a phone call stating that if only half my letter was true it would be grounds for dismissal. Then the other day after sending much more info written by mons own hand the phone call i got was that she now had 21 days in which to respond but they said the info i sent them was pretty damning. But she had broken quite a few clauses and they have sent her a letter off to her notifying her that she is being investigated. She then gets to send a letter back which i get to read and then respond. By all accounts i think this time there is nowhere she can hide. if she is found guilty she will be deregistered immediately and from there i have some other options.

Meanwhile one of my supporters has received a phone asking him for a immediate meeting as the shit has hit the fan as far as where she practices. The same people who have re employed her are also i believe starting to be investigated for having the knowledge of what she had done and still allowing her to be on the books. My understanding is that my complaint has opened a whole new can of worms and im not sure why they want to meet with this support person but i have told him that i "will not go quietly into the night" LOL.

sa'de

They laid food upon the table *might be triggering

2010-05-26T22:12:00.009+10:00

Silver service went really really well. We were put on duck and it was a popular dish and we loved it. Mr wonka apologised to us for us feeling so bad after last session, he said he didnt mean to hurt us and he felt he wanted to extend us and see what happened, but even he wasnt expecting the response ( i dont think) and so this week was more gentle with the system thank god.

But school has become harder on us. This last week we have been doing pastries. Im finding that we are in actual aversion to this component its actually doing strange things to our system. Today we spent most of the day wishing to god we could get out of the kitchen we were miserable totally miserable. At one point prepared to fail the course rather than re enter the kitchen and face yet another profiterole or eclair. We even found ourselves baulking at making them. Disliking school yet never before have we felt like this.

Taking a moment in the toilets with a closed door we had to self asses what the frick was going on for us. Suddenly we were transported back to time where our father was handing us a cornetto (ice cream) and telling us how proud he was of us and how he knew we would always keep the secrets.

Then soon after was the next scene. We found ourselves scrubbing walls it was inside a church basement we can still remember the Jesus loves you beside us as we scrubbed. Gunk red gunk was everywhere our bucket was red inside and so we scrubbed. We were tiring and as we tired we would get a welt of a stick on our bare back. We scrubbed more. As we scrubbed we saw a table being laid, nice white table cloth all clean and we didnt realise how clean until we looked at our bare body and saw we were covered in red. Then as we scrubbed and other children joined us to scrub they laid food upon the table cold food all sorts of cold buffet food. Eclairs, profiteroles, donuts ice cream jelly desserts of all kind. When we were don scrubbing we were told to wash our hands but nothing else. And when the clean inspection of the walls was over we got to serve the food. We in our red stained ugly bodies held the trays for our tormentors. As we saw them stuff their faces with cream and desserts we felt ill. Terribly ill. After ward we saw what happened with that food as they did stuff with it in other ways and we have never forgotten, even if it wasnt obvious.

We know why now we dont like desserts why these sessions at school are so overpowering and why we hope to god the the next two days go fast because we truly feel ill looking at whats going on. We have a co worker who sees us struggle and has offered to help to support us when we cant do it, but no one knows why. Sometimes even in something we love so much traces of their hatred shine through.

Lucy

Well todays the day!!!!!!!

2010-05-24T08:00:00.005+10:00

We started school in feb this year, the first few weeks were so new and so scary yet so exciting. A few weeks in we were given a new timetable and on it it said we would have to in order to pass serve at the silver service restaurant owned and run by the college. Now normally they dont shove first years down there because its a scary place. Most trainees dont see a silver service restaurant as far as working in one in most of their chefs life unless of course that is what you wish to pursue. For me silver service is nice but its not who we are, we have no desire to work for fine dining and probably never will. But the powers that be say that in order to pass the course we must present food at a silver service.

To say that we are scared would be an understatement, this is a world that is foreign to us and normally we wouldnt undertake this till last term if you go on to hosp III. But today for the first time i will be in charge of one of nine dishes and i thought id share the menu with you

Entrees/starters.

King Prawn Salad
Tortellini
Peking Duck

mains

Roast beef
chicken supreme veloute
Sea Fish meuniere

dessert

warmed date pudding
passion fruit pavlova
Crepes St Clements.

One of those will lbe my duty for the night including all accompaniments.

Scary as.

After today we have a few more days in the kitchen and a one more prac exam to do then straight in for a week in silver service and a week in the more comfortable cafe' that they also own, and then if we survive and pass we get our cert II in hospitality wohoooo

Squeals like that never ever go away

2010-05-22T22:49:00.004+10:00

The first time i heard the squeals i was three years old. the squeal sounded like a balloon being let out at the highest pitch possible, your ears burned with gut wrenching pain. As the last air exhaled the squeal got softer until it stopped altogether. For years ive avoided going there, how do i trust anyone to understand how bad that squeal/scream is. I dont think Mr Wonka would or could ever understand that squeals like that dont ever change it only takes a moment ti hear that horrible sound and remember the event and know that on the surface we are a formidable force but lying just underneath is a system whose pain is unimaginable.

Hiding behind the togetherness lies memories untold, but we refuse to fall apart to share those memories yet it seems that we are supposed to in order to be heard. how crazy can that be you spend half your life finding ways to get it together then you are supposed to let it fall apart in order to let it go. Surely there has to be a compromise because unless there is then we will never share what ever went on with us because we dont ever want to have to justify to anyone ever again why we are as strong as we are and why we arent a complete nutcase.

And the squeal went on and on

2010-05-18T16:59:00.006+10:00

ive just come back from seeing mr Wonka and usually we dont have time to write until days later but tonight we arent ok and felt we needed to write or say something. Today Mr Wonka was talking to us about the fact that we seemed so ok and that usually people from our background showed high signs of trauma but we didnt. And you know what at first i felt he was saying well because you are high functioning this couldnt have happened to you, and i was like oh here we go. But he wasnt saying that what he was wondering was why, and i answered the best I could. The truth is that we are so afraid of falling apart we would do anything to stay as high functioning as we are. Every day we tightly wrap our system and dont let it do. We use the control the cult have taught us to maintain composure and make sure that only whose supposed to be out is out.

What he doesnt know is that we are so afraid of being out of control that we hermit ourselves especially at home away from the world. The truth is we are very afraid of this world and we trust no one we have made a vow that we will do anything than be back at that girl who was so out of control we ended up in another state with no memory at all of how we got there or the girl who would wake up beside a stranger and say hi who are you. Or the girl who opened a box of crayons and started drawing the walls of the toys tore. We in fact would go to any lengths to never ever again live in a trauma filled chaos world, but the cost of this control is high.

Perhaps that showed a little bit today. just as i was sort of smiling at how we have got things under control bang Mr Wonka started to talk about perfection again. And bang the same alter who had immobilised our system a week before was out again this time my heart was racing i didnt want him out not if he was going to immobilise us again and immobilisation scares the crap out of because it means we cant keep check on whats going on or race away from danger if our body isnt working. this alter started talking about making mistakes means that youll hear the squeals no mistake means you wont.

I look around and see Deshanti start shying away and im thinking i dont get it. Shes gone a slightly pale colour and i was distracted enough watching her that i didnt realise that a nine year was presenting but this alter was totally numb from the neck down. No feeling no life no anything, and shes talking about the squealing how it doesnt stop and how shes lying on the floor in a row waiting to be taken somewhere where they cant play with her body a lot because she doesnt have feeling and im looking at deshanti quietly shaking inside saying not the squealing. I was watching Mr Wonka trying to get his head around what she was saying and at the same time i wanted to scream at him stop her talking its doing something inside an i dont know what that means but i dont like it. I want to yell dont you see this is EXACTLY the reason we have such a tight reign on the system so we dont flip out and look like a freak. And at the same time im thinking oh great now ive got a head with no body now i am a fucking freak.

I knew somehow i had to get some control back before anyone showed panic and if someone whows panic then anything can happen and thats what i dont want. So shove Deshanti out, im not too sure what they talked about but the body got back together and i quietened the system down. Inisde on the way home i heard Dehsanti quietly saying to Daisy anything but the squeals daisy. When we got home i threw up my head was thumping and i can hear internal sobbing. And I want to yell at them stop it dont you see how important it is to be high functioning IT IS SO IMPORTANT. And then it dawned on me who was the greatest perfectionist of all, perhaps my fear of being seen as a multiple out of control as we have been labelled before and when we saw mon is driving this terrible fear of hiding everyone and everything at all costs. So i guess the question i have now is do we stop therapy and just go back to hermitting ourselves or do we keep going and say stuff it get it done get it out and over with., i know the consequences if we dont but is it ok to say im scared to face whatever the squeal means. Right now i dont know.

Sa'de

time lost

2010-05-17T22:02:00.004+10:00

the last few days seem to have passed in a blur, we knew somewhere inside that time was charging faster now for us that can mean a we things, time is simply going fast or we are switching fast or we are missing time. Now either or or any would have been acceptable to us except when the answer lies in today

For those who are our friends or who have known us a long time, we are famous for not being bakers. In fact our best friend often giggles when we describe living at her parents house when we thought that pavlova (egg whites and a famous aussie dish) should be heated up in a microwave once cooked. Needless to say it exploded nearly shorting the microwave and me left cleaning ti up an hour later. our countless adventures later we have always found any way in which to find a friend to bring dessert. Not only are we not gifted at it we actually dont even like desserts LOL.

But today we blind bakes a fruit flan and a lemon tart apparently perfectly well the problem is we cant actually remember it. Over the last few days time is seemingly like this. Hand in hand with this is the night mares and it is time consuming and tiring. This has only started since last weeks visit with Mr wonka but maybe its all just coincidental. But if so how come we keep seeing dark rituals terribly dark rituals.

Sa'de

Immobolised

2010-05-13T17:09:00.005+10:00

On Tuesday we went to see Mr wonka, Rachel wont be back until the middle of next month. we were talking to Mr Wonka about how we had a sort of meltdown at college on Monday. We had an assessment that involved theory to start with and because we were already stressed over our ex's behaviour and we were stressed because we had such a huge assessment we didnt do so well. In our course its 100% or nothing. So finding out we had failed right before we were about to present four plates of food was heartbreaking.

Somewhere through out the service our teacher tried to talk to us but we were so upset that we ended up in the toilets in tears. Our co worker finding us and we kept saying you dont understand failure isnt an option for us. We cant walk out of school today without a pass and then burst into more tears. Finally she calmed us down enough for us to come back into class and we presented the best food we have ever cooked. I cant remember it but i guess one of our alters who strive for perfection took over. In fact our food was so good our teacher had two of our four dishes for his lunch LOL. We of course passed our presentation with flying colours.

but then we get to Mr wonka and he was suggesting that well you know what im not sure what he was suggesting but he was kind of asking if it was at all possible to just get on with life no matter what our past holds. Im sure it was more complex than that but its hard to explain. When all of sudden i was shoved aside and an later emerged who looked at Mr Wonka and said in a cold hard voice failure is NOT an option. I dont know who was more surprised me or him, maybe me because there in front of me was a shadow child. After talking to Mr Wonka for a while we came back and i cant move my legs my arms only my head.

I was totally like i was had been covered in concrete and it was scary i started to panic and think oh fuck what happens now and Mr Wonka i think is sort of going uh oh what do i do here. Everything was so heavy my body was out of place, i didnt know hat to do, i knew the more i panicked the worse ti might become so we did some breathing with Mr wonka and after what seemed an eternity i got my feeling back. But every now and again i feel like that again and im freaking out because i was scared like really scared.

I am not sure why they did that to our body or even how i wish someone could tell me but one thing i know if Mr Wonka wants to work with these alters then i am thinking more time given in recovery afterward might be an idea. As for my test we re sat it passed it with flying colours today.

Deshanti

life with little alters

2010-05-10T22:07:00.006+10:00

We were searching in our blogs for matrerial about what mon had written to us, as a very serious development has taken place and some people were asking us to provide them with details about her. When we came across this blog that we thought we would repost here.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

life with little alters

enola from http://enola-survivor.blogspot.com/ has asked a question and we would firstly like to thank her for the question and secondly answer it here as it is a good question and one many people have asked before.Can I ask a question? What happens if a young alter is "in charge" when you need to be fulfilling a Mom role with your children? Can you stay in control of that type situation? I'd imagine that would be a scary proposition.

For those who arent aware we have five outside children all under 11. Juggling that with many many internal children is challenging so for the best explanation we will say outside children and inside alters. Alters inside being the littles we often refer to who havent had a chance to grow up the way our outside children have. In other words they were so abused their growth was stunted and they remain the ages that their abuse took place in. A six year old has the traits of any six year old and she is six years old, the same applies to those whose ages are the same.The inside alters understand mostly that they live within a big body but heir mind has not been healed enough to grow up to the age the body is, so in essence they remain as children.

Well before we were first diagnosed we had a system growing and working inside, we had places the littles could go to play and be safe we had built a community internally based around the needs of those inside. We have places to play we have grounds we have a huge mansion we have flying foxes and even a nearly built ski lift, in essence we took what we saw that was nice on the outside and placed it inside, thus making our internal world far safer than how we see the external. And until we started therapy we think we had a very good programn going but it was lacking one dimension healing. We had everything else but we couldnt stop the littles hurt or pain or fear or terror for that reason our functioning on the outside was getting worse and worse losing time every day and having appalling reactions to things we had no other choice but attend therapy.

Within months as it has been written about before we were formally diagnosed, by a Counsellor a psychologist and just in case we wanted to run back to denial a psychiatrist as well. We are not escaping multiplicity anymore, suddenly all those inside felt their life was going to be heard so heard they wanted to be, they came in and out faster than a steam train through a tunnel and for a long time we were afraid to go out without someone who knew about our multiplicity with us because littles would get into toy shops and poke and press until something broke, the worst was probably a year after diagnosis when the littles believed they now had a right to be seen and someone was listening. One little sat on a kids trike in the middle of a shopping centre and broke it then proceeded to scream and cry because they had, moments like that are embarrassing and we try to not think about all those things. I guess if you were going to sum it up we had at times like that in the first two years after being diagnosed become one of the multiples the movies depict so much, we were like they described. So after a while it was obvious the littles were controlling most of our time and we by this stage had sustained a few accidents because the littles were out driving a car, one nine year old thought it was funny to drive our car as she thought it was a dodgem car and many times ended up in the ditch laughing. Finally we couldnt do it anymore we had tried so many times to commit suicide and numerous stitches from alters who cut themselves for various reasons something had to give.

And so we went to our T at the time (not M) and pleaded for help, slowly she and us worked toward letting the littes have time out but in more constructive ways. She would bring in coloured pencils and textas and games an toys and numerous stuffed animals (our T at the time was specialising ins childrens psychology) and we slowly taught them that they could have time out and be out and get support and love and all of that but they needed to understand that it wasnt to anyone benefit to be that much out all the time and that is they got into danger how could we as bigs help them.We got lists together of times they couldbe out and having fun and times they coudlnt we also talked ot hem about what they thought they needed inside to help them when they werent out. We allotted specific time with our T just for the littles and that improved things greatly. We organised internal meetings in a huge meeting room where all alters could air their grievances and have their say, something we still do on a weekly basis, those alters too shy to talk to such a big group had their own pens and pencils and areas they could tell one of their own peers who then could tell us. We managed to do this in the three years after diagnosis.Our first child was a surprise (w never wanted children) and the littles for a while were put out as they body grew and changed in pregnancy and then our son was born they had to learn new things and that was sharing. When he was little they would crawl around the house beside him and watched him like any mother. In fact they were very fiercely protective of him, he was the most loved in ways he could never know. I think seeing him grow and seeing us look after him gave the littles some hope in their own future and some trust in us bigs making and helping them with a future. They finally saw what a mum was and could be.

Along came our daughter and they again reacted in nothing but protectiveness, and so came the final three children.over the years they have learnt that what our outside kids get they can also play with that the kids go to school and they can use them then, they can sneak looks and watch and sometimes the sheer delight of seeing the excitement on our outside kids faces make our inside littles feel very much part of the action. They know they arent capable of looking after five children and they understand they can interact with them but without our outside kids knowing. In turn when we get say a new teddy bear the outside kids smile and say cool mum and accept that is their mum whose a bit silly, they have been taught yes you can hold but you must give back and they accept that and in the same way our inside are taught the same. Our littles are very aware they are part of a unique relationship and the years of embarrassing moments has thankfully passed almost. Occasionally a new alter will pop up not understanding the rules but over time and patience they learn. We have learnt over time to flunk our way through with jokes and silliness to side track from anyone noticing a little was out. We are unfortunate in many ways because even after all these years we are still unable to disguise a little being out. Our face changes to such a degree you cant help but notice and their mannerisms are very apparent, but mostly they come out when they think its safe nad they are free to be who they want to be and not all the time everytime.

If an alter cant get back in they have M's number in the phone we have taught them how to use it for her and hope they can get through if not they have many other avenues they can try while they are waiting. But thankfully a little as in under 10 hasnt been in charge of the household alone in a very long time. Mostly if we are taken out or cant get out its a teen and they dont panic as much and know to wait for help to arrive. In time of high triggering Easter and Xmas we know the littles might be out a bit more but thats mostly at night and we know those times are huge traffic areas for our system so we put as much into place to make it easier on all who are involved. Over all the years of therapy have freed us to have a system that is workable and efficient and right for us.

Jip-etal

Its been a week of us saying what we think to people who have hurt us.

2010-05-08T06:57:00.004+10:00

over this last week we have been wondering when the payback might take place and in what form. You see in the cult there is never an action without a counter reaction. They dont like anyone speaking out against them so they tend to want revenge once you do. And last night came a response.

At 5.30 i received a phone call from me ex husbands mother. Now to give you a history over two years ago was the last time i talked to them or her. The last time we spoke i was told that i was a selfish bitch for leaving her son and that i was lucky tohave anyone put up with me for that long as everyone knew i was mentally unstable and he was a martyr for putting up with me so long. I hung up the phone in tears and wordless and ive never spoken to them ever since. They also stopped calling their own grand kids for their birthdays because they lived with me.

So imagine my surprise when she calls last night. I spoke as coldly as i could as she asked if id seen her son as he had failed to pick up the food she was cooking him for the week(yes thats right she still cooks for him and he lives at their holiday house virtually rent free). I said that i hadn't and that he was due to arrive at our house anytime to pick up kids and id call her back when and if he arrived.

Less than five minutes later he knocks at my door i say come in and he wont and the reason he wont is because he doesnt want me to smell the alcohol that hes consumed. I ask him how much hes had to drink, he says i havent been drinking, i ask again how much have you had to drink he says nothing i ask again how much have you had to drink and he says only a little bit. Im used to my ex lying hes done it for so long i dont think he even knows hes lying anymore. I then tell him hes not picking up my kids from day care in that state and he wont be having the children that night at all. He then gets back in his car drunk and wants to drive home. I remove the keys and tell him hes in no fit state to drive. At the same time i phone his father and say ive found your son hes drunk again attempting to pick up kids and behind the wheel of a car again. This was the first time they have known his drinking has reached this proportion so i leave his father talking to him on the phone and pick up my kids my daycare.

I arrive home to find my eight year old son bawling his eyes out, and my fourteen year old trying to calm him down. Apparently their father had come inside looking for his keys and frightened the living bejeebbies out of the eight year old as he was slurring his words and trying to look for his keys, as he was too drunk to remember id taken them. I then quickly phoned a friend and said this is an emergency can you please talk to my kids on the phone whilst i remove their drunken father from my premises. When i got home the eight year old was still sobbing a little bit but he was better. The others were upset but because they have seen him like this before they are now starting to call their dad names like liar, drunk, unreliable etc etc.

I then grab the phone and ring his parents. His mother answered and she said well its no wonder hes drinking he has the kids all the time. I went off i mena i went off, this is the lies hes been telling her, that hes been picking up the kids all the time, hes been driving them to their sporting places, he gets no time off because we demand him to look after them all the time and that im a drunk myself. So you can imagine my reaction, I told her that only her arrogance would dare assume what she thought she did or did not know about me after not talking to me for two years. That i have the children 12 out of 14 days a fortnight, that i get up at 5 am to get kids out of the house by 6.55 to get to before school care, i get o school at 8 to start my first class and often my day finishes barely in enough time to get them from after school care at 5.30, that as for drinking i have no time as im in bed by ten at night. I also told her that she was enabling his drinking by letting him fall to her when he was broke from spending his money on booze. I literally went off.

I also told her next time he arrived to pick up the kids drunk these were the consequences. I would let him get back in his car call the police who would meet him at after school care where they would arrest him and he would lose his licence and lave to sit in a cell to sober up. That I would not take the call to bail him out and that he would have to call them. his mother was silent at the other end of the phone. the penny had dropped. I then added because I was mad that i had loads of people willing to tell her the consequences on his drinking binges and whose phone number would she like first. She then went on to say well J and i are really sick we cant cope with this. i spat out oh im fucking sick of this you've been sick for ten years im over that bullshit no sympathy from this couch. Get your son in counselling and AA before he kills himself or someone else. She then very quietly almost like she was defeated said that our fourteen year old son had tried to tell them that his dad was drinking and that he was a compulsive liar as well, she then thanked me for being a good parent to the kids and that she would try and get him help. We said a mutual goodbye and i went strike two.!

As for the ex ive still got his keys and unless he can prove hes sober he aint gettin em back.

Marrikah and Angela

ps angela removed all my swear words LOL

Taking the power back.

2010-05-05T18:05:00.006+10:00

its been a week since my dad refused my sister the money for her operation and as the week past i realised that i felt mad not just for her but for the many times he had refused to stop our pain as well. So after much thought i decided to meet him face to face to ask him why he had made the decision he had.

We met in park in public place and the first thing i asked him was if it had been me would he have found the money. he stared at me wide eyed and said im not sure, if i had it maybe but i cant answer that as i dont know but id have tohink about it. And it was then that i knew my answer this pathetic piece of shit was effectively telling me that nothing in him had changed over the years not one ounce of humanity had found the way into his cold heart.

Then i turned to him and said tell me dad im just wondering how your memory is these days. I then asked him if he remembered how his two useless daughters had tended to his wound after mum had stabbed him in one of her rages. he looked me fair square in the eye and said that never happened. I looked him square back and said well dad the people who saw the knife being put in the bin did. I then said dad you might have made yourself out to be a poor sad individual but most people who know you know youve always been nothing but a conniving mean prick, and is a liar as well. After he stopped for a minute he did a back flip and he said ohh i vaguely remember that incident. I got up and walked slowly away.

He came up to me a while later and said im so sorry for not helping you against your mum but what was i do to. And i looked at him and said be a man but then again dad i dont think you know what being a man means i think there are many other words to describe you but manly isnt one of them. he then said well mums not here anymore and i said yep and ive gone to many years of counselling to get healing from what you BOTH subjected me to. He had a look of horror on his face a look of pure fear. he stopped and said what did the therapist say, i responded they said you were both sick twisted individuals who deserved to get locked up. He went even paler and then i added but youve just proved it by denying your own daughter who you stole freedom from, her right to have and own breasts.

He then looked at me and said K youve always had a vivid imagination now would you like an ice cream, and it was at that moment that all was confirmed. You see when i tried to tell anyone about what was going on he always said those words K has such a vivid imagination and the people believed him. When he falsified with a psychiatrist a report about my mental instability (a psychiatrists who was a cult member and whom we only saw in rituals) he said those words she has such a vivid imagination. When he was satisfied that we would be quiet again he would always buy us an icecream. So it was so pathetic that his distortion would think i would accept such a pathetic deal.

I turned to him and said this there are two things i need to say to you right now, leaning forward i looked him in the eyes and said firstly you will never ever again try and demeanor my very accurate and detailed long memory and secondly you will never ever again belittle my intellect because i can assure you dad both are very much in tact and unlike you i havent spent my life lying so much that i dont even know when im lying anymore which it seems you have achieved very well yourself. As for the ice cream yes thanks, as i smiled sweetly his hand trembled as he handed the money over. It was the sweetest ice cream we have ever had.

Then the interrnal battle started, if you let out sam she can get him once and for all. After all sam in her position would squash him in his, then the other issue was our sister. Now she had got what she wanted she had once again gone back to her hole and when we tried to contact her she wasnt responding. We felt them both sucking their toxicity back into us, it was that hollow voice once more but you know that if you rejoin us they can be punished. We struggled deep-lyo ver the next twenty four hours, we had nightmares of what happened to traitors and clear memories of punishments for those who dared speak out.

Finally on Monday night we started to implode rather than self punish we phoned a Friend we poured our grief out and let it go. In those tears we knew we were also saying goodbye to our sister and father it is the only way, but what we do know is that we spoke the truth for the first time to our primary abuser and it felt good. We in that moment took our power back.

Jip-etal

I felt i didnt have a choice

2010-05-01T09:45:00.004+10:00

I met with Rachel last week for the first time. I took the moment when Noel was there to introduce myself and see her face to face. I felt safer with Noel there, for me he is a person who i know wouldnt let harm come to me. We didnt have a long time together but i did like her. I told her she was pretty and she got all embarrassed then i got embarrassed cause id embarrassed her but for me i was only saying what i saw and she is pretty. So this week i ventured to see her again.

We talked a lot about whats important to me. things like church and god and purity and being good and the normal things that most people know about me. but then we got onto why the rest inside mightnt trust me. I dont know why i shared what i did perhaps i felt the others inside had really tried to protect me and i wanted to explain some things to them and felt safer with a third person. Perhaps all those years of thinking was starting to make me feel sucked in, i dont know but i felt it was time to share.

Two and a half years ago i did something that wasnt that great, one night after talking to mon i took a lot of pills, i hid the phones i lay down in bed and waited for my angel to come and take me to be with god. Rachel asked about my angel and i said that i often saw her as id often seen angels with other people, i didnt think it was strange so for me waiting for my angel was normal. Except this time i waited for my angel to take me to be with god because i would be dead. I knew exactly what i was doing this was no impulsive thought, this had being a thought accumulating for many months..I knew and could see that the more time they spent with mon the worse life got, i also knew that when she decided you werent useful anymore she found a way to get rid of you.

I can remember clearly that one day when Noel was there at therapy i came out hoping that she would talk to me and stop making my life a misery and she told me instantly that until i did as she asked she wouldn't talk to me, from that day on i knew one way or another she would find a way to kill me, be it in spirit or in life. Im not sure why she wanted to do that but i have my ideas, ideas that no on would believe but im not stupid i might have memory lapses but the last two years in seclusion inside have helped me see why getting rid of me might be important.

Then one night after she had spent the day disorientating and playing with the others inside heads, she placed a phone call to me. Do i know if she knew i would answer maybe she did, i often came out when everyone else was disorientated. The conversation went a bit like this Amelia you know you are hindering the others from working through their issues, if you continue refusing to tell me your story which is important for others healing then i will have no choice but to talk to others inside and organise for you to go elsewhere until you will talk. She then said she had another crisis to deal with and to tell the others she called and that she will expect my decision shortly.

For me when mon organised others to be sent away they always ended up on the third level, where they were tortured abused and hurt. As i sat there in my chair and Rachel staring at me with her big eyes showing recognition that effectively mon had given me no choice. I quietly told her that i first hid the phones i then went and got some alcohol and swallowed pill after pill after pill. Death was my only reprieve, for me for them to continue seeing mon they would ultimately be signing my death certificate anyway. For me i knew inside that mon was a bad bad woman and if no one else could stop her hurting the others inside then i could stop it all in death.

I suppose its not often you will hear anyone say that the only way to escape their therapist is to kill themselves but thats what i felt i had to do. I know its probable that no one will understand that but for me mon had become my abuser and i didnt have anyone to turn to to tell so i did the only thing i could.

I know now that Sa'de saved the body's life i know now that my decision to do what i did jolted everyone awake and i know now that because of my actions mon is no longer in my life. I am getting better day by day, but i have this terrible niggling horrible fear that somewhere out there she is twisting someone elses life just like she twisted mine, and i have this awful fear that just maybe she isnt who she says she is.

Amelia

My teddy bear

2009-09-12T07:43:00.008+10:00

I thought id go on writing. Some things make me so much sadder than others, so mr wonka said it would be good to talk about things about me so i hope this doesnt bore anyone.

When i was little i think just after Deshanti and me were born/created my mum and dad gave me a teddy bear his name was nicholas or nicky for short to love and to hold. I used to walk around with him holding him by his hand he used to drag down beside me. I took him with me everywhere when we visited my nana and grandad he came with me, when i would wake up after the last thing i remembered was sitting in a chair and the next i was in bed, he was beside me. When i felt sad or lonely he was my friend and i would whisper in his ear. Sometimes nicholas would go missing and i would get really upset and i wouldnt understand how that could happen but my mum would always know where he was and bring him back to me, she used to say nicholas was only for good girls like me not bad girls like others she knew. I never understood that at the time but now i do understand that as her meaning deshanti. For deshanti she would remove nicholas for me he would be returned.

At age fourteen i can remember holding my nicholas when the people in robes did things to me for the first time. I held him as i closed my eyes and flew to the ceiling and stayed there watching them, nicholas lay in my arms as i went away. I didnt matter where we went or how often nicholas went with us, when we moved house and grew up he came with us, hidden in a cupboard or in a box or on my bed it didnt matter i knew he was there. he was the one and only toy i was given as a child and i treasured him so much and still do.

But then one day about three years ago Mon started to ask about nicholas she asked and asked and asked and asked, each time she asked where he was someone hid him sometimes i hid him sometimes others in here. She said he was evil a transporter of bad and horrible things that my parents and the cult had planted awful things inside him and that was why we were so attached to him because we were so attached to the cult and the only way to get free was to hand him over for her to deal with. I hid him so hidden i thought no one could find him i panicked pain in my heart. But she didnt let up on and on and on she went, finally telling the littles that if they didnt hand him over they were allowing evil to come back into their lives and she wouldnt be able to help them anymore.

And one sad day after she had come over with a friend of hers to so called pray over the house, she told the littles to hand him over or else. So they did, and i cried and cried and cried, my one and only present from my childhood was in this womans hands, i wanted him back, i wanted her to give my nicky back. She held him in her bad hands and turned him over stating that because his stitching was undone he was filled with evil concoctions. I was hysterical inside his stitching was undone because he as old and loved. That day she took him home and the next day or day after she rang gleefully to tell Sa'de she had burned him along with my mums signet ring that she also had managed to get in her possession. My nicholas my only safe friend was burned he was dead and part of me stopped caring it was only a few days later that i took all of those tablets.

I dont understand how this woman can still be in practice, she goes on doing the same things to others and she doesnt have any remorse and instead I am left with the scars she left me with trying to find a way to get help and get better. Sometimes this world is all wrong.

Amelia

an award

2009-04-04T15:15:00.007+11:00

thanks to Enola at http://enola-survivor.blogspot.com/ Here are the rules for this one -The LOVE YA award:“These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."

for those who missed it this is what Enola wrote about us " JIP - JIP has been through a lot this past year. She is a true testament to overcoming adversity. Reading her blog is a lesson on perseverance. Not only has she overcome lots of personal issues, but she has done it all while being a wonderful mother to her large family.

So here goes

MiKael from http://mycloudsandmystorms.blogspot.com/, MiKael has become a good mate of ours from across the way, her blog often chews the fat off less commonly talked about subjects of abuse and religious degradation. She helps us personally breathe a sigh of relief as we read and know we arent alone.

Kahless from http://kahlessnoise.blogspot.com/ allows us insight into her world we watch as she journeys in her life and relationships and in turn we journey with her. Sometimes she raises subjects with such passion that you cant help but be passionate with her.

Lily from http://psychosphere.blogspot.com/ gives us a chance to see inside her world in so many ways. She is so honest its sometimes refreshing she doesnt hold anything back if she is affected by something and she allows us into the rawness of both her life as a person and life as bi polar. She often writes as we have thought and we never cease to applaud her for it.

April from http://thriverstoolbox.blogspot.com/ often we visit april because she is so clever at enveloping stories of herself into lessons she has learnt and then goes from there to questions for the readers. The journey she takes us on by doing this is a journey of self discovery and growth. Sometimes we have spent days pondering one of Aprils blogs thus reminding ourselves on how much we can still learn.

Wanda from http://wandaswings.blogspot.com/ writes very little but what she writes is often raw and honest. She allows us to ride her ups and downs in shortly yet powerfully worded formats and one day we hope Wanda will write so much more as she is a very gifted writer.

Anonymous drifter from http://unknowndiarist.blogspot.com/ writes sometimes many times a day by doing so we feel often we have been in lengthy conversations with her and know her so well yet as she writes more we realise how much we are getting to know her. She gives us glimpses of her life as they happen as she struggles with depression and ill health and her own fear,she brings us into her world and helps us interact with her with ease.

lyn from http://etherealhighway.blogspot.com/ takes us into the journey of raw pain from years of abuse. She writes as we have often thought but not verbalised. Her style of writing allows us to feel our own feelings because she writes often what we have had similar experiences in but leaves no room for misunderstanding. Her rawness in her writing has also helped us in feeling things we often block.

Just be real http://justbereal77.blogspot.com/ is a new blogger for us. But each blog is thought provoking and interesting. they have a knack of incorporating their life with their faith and intermingling the two so its easy to read. We are finding reading both thought provoking and sometimes close to our heart in our own struggle in what we believe or would think we would like to

Thalia

A light hearted look at being a mum to five kids

2009-03-16T13:54:00.005+11:00

The kids and us were traipsing through display homes on Saturday. We are trying to decide between building and buying. As we came through each door the looks on the greeters faces when they saw all those kids, but even more interesting was the two reactions, ok with that many kids (five) there is NO way she can afford a house so ill smile and be polite but relatively ignore her, to ok she probably wont like what ive got to offer so if i stand and pretend shes not there her and her kids will go away. Now me being me , cheeky and at times provocative finds the ones who only like the Mercedes driving lookers and on the way out say pity the house wasnt up to children standards because ive sure got cash to burn maybe hte next house will be better. The looks on their faces are priceless.

but its interesting the responses from people constantly on the size of our family. Now for those not familiar we have a 12 year old son Mr goo, 10 year old daughter missy moo, 8 year old daughter becka boos and twin sons aged 7 speedy and bullfrog. When we got to the supermarket we often get ohhhh wow are they all yours, nodding smiling i say yes to one father, usually thats the next question if they dare ask it so i interject now. To wow thats a lot of mouths to feed how an earth do you manage that. Smiling sweetly i offer the many places the kids and i have found thats cheap and good for food, usually the walk away saying something like wow she sure knows what to do to save money.

The next question asked is are you having anymore. to which i give the stop standard reply of no i think ive done my bit by populating australia. If im really shitty ill ask them how many kids they had and then smile sweetly and say are you having anymore, the look on their faces is priceless especially if they are over fifty and totally incapable of having anymore. Sometimes the conversations will get around to the kids staying at home longer and i smile and say oh no you see ive got that sorted, and they go oh? And i say yep at 21 they get a choice a key to someone elses door (renting) or a boot outa my door. The real world lives out there and only if you are totally stuffed will you need to come back. Now you know what i really dont mean that but if my kids think i do then i have set the precedence on when they should leave LOL

Then we get around to wow you are sure going to be busy being a grandmother and im thinking heck i havent even got being done yet with being a mum and you arent you getting a head a few years. Now by this stage if the person has been silly enough to keep asking questions ive started to get what i call the irritable mother syndrome, so in retort to the grandmother question i say being a good grandmother is about being present but so far away, like overseas and only available via satelite for advice.

now by this stage the kid have gone in three different directions mr goo and speedy are at the lolly dispenser after having scabbed 2 bucks off me when im not thinking and wanting to get the hell out of the supermarket alive, missy moo and becka boos have gone to the lolly section with their pocket money adding up what they can get and ive got bullfrog pushing the trolley for me usually running up someones arse. Nearly always bullfrog says i have to go to the toilet in that voice that you know is meant to embarrass you, whilst giving the pained you havent let me go for ages look whilst twisting and untwisting his legs and holding his you know what. Meanwhile his two sisters have returned holding stash of goodies i say can you please take your brother to the toilet and missy moos usually replies with how many times do you need to go bullfrog, exasperated she puts her stuff down gruffly says cmon then whilst becka boos gives him a swift kick up his butt to move him along to which he wails full pelt and i mumble yeh five kids is fucking laugh isnt it, why the fuck would we want anymore. Now by this stage the other two brother have returned with what looks like half the lolly dispenser and i go oh no you didnt hit It again did you?

He smiles at me and i go oh god one day you are gonna get in trouble, so this is how they get all they can mr goo stands on the side of the machine whilst his brother plays the game all the time mr goo is tapping the side of the machine to drop as many lollies down as possible. Now meanwhile bullfrog has returned and you can hear him going up and down the aisles mum, mum, mum, mum, mum where are you, mum mum mum mum, finally I go im here and he says oh there you are and i look at him and go oh you knew exactly where i was, you just like the sound of your own voice and the attention it gets you. By this stage its all wearing thin and hes starting to lose it, spying something he wants he starts i want i want i want, saying no and walking off he has thrown himself on the ground comando style spinning around like a rap dancer on speed saying i want it. I step over him with a firm no, the others step over him all except beckas boos who accidentally (on purpose) kicks him and whispers i wish you belonged to some other family you are so embarrassing. I keep going with bullfrog realising his family are leaving comes screaming up hysterically going youre leaving me and his older brother saying cant we leave him here with a sign mum gone on vacation please mind child and see if anyone wants him. By this stage i am half laughing partly from my own hysteria and pay and get to the car taking breath i wonder if its nearly time for a drink and why the fuck did i quit smoking all those years ago.

but i have to admit we wouldnt ever have it any other way, we adore our kid.

black saturday what we went through first hand

2009-02-09T10:30:00.007+11:00

we have been sent numerous emails regarding our safety and if we are ok. So i wanted to share the day that has been called dark Saturday and how it unfolded for us. For those not aware the death toll is now 108 people i am a Victorian who knows the towns wiped out personally having visited them more than once, we also have a house that could be in the line of fire if containment lines break and the wind changes. the house although sold the papers havent reached me yet to sign so the house is still in our possession. We have lost two people we know and one is still missing, this is very much a personal tragedy for us, having lived through ash wednesday the tears have flowed last night as the kids and us mourned terrible loss and tragedy.

We had numerous warning that the day was going to be awful the winds were warned at reaching over 100 kms per hour we had, had weeks of heat and as everyone knows we are also in a drought. On the Friday we heard the news a fire was burning near bunyip, a place we also know well having had a house in a nearby town, by this stage the wind wasnt here on the friday. Saturday morning by ten o'clock it was 36 degrees or 96.8F, by one o'clock not able to handle the heat inside anymore the kids and us packed many drinks and headed to the beach. the waves and swell was big the wind by now about 75 kms and a hot northerly at this stage we knew the bunyip fires were affecting other areas but because of the weather i had to decide how to keep the kids cool. At 3pm the said to the kids get in the water the weather is too hot and in the water we sat as the temperatures reached 47.4 C or 117.32F. It was about 4.30pm when the final wind gust the actually partially lifted my feet suddenly changed and the smell of death filled the air. One huge whiff the kids looked terrified and i turned to my neighbour and said people have died and he nodded.

The cool change in place we headed back to our house turning on the tv all i could do was stare, as the full devastation began to unfold. It was 10 that night that the bendigo fires took hold my friends affected and houses destroyed,this fire still is burning and although in containment lines we all know winds can push anything they want out of containment lines. I called our ex who still lives where the fires are and said just leave if you have to he knew what to do. We went to bed with a heavy heart.

The next morning now Sunday truly brought the full terror that people went through. Entire towns no longer in existence. The people had no chance the temperatures at 52 C or 125.6F it came like a fireball entire families trapped to die in their homes children missing parents who thought they were behind them and they werent, people fleeing in their cars only to be incinerated, as they left. Overhead shits show bodies lining roads people who didnt make it out. The fireball was so fast fuelled by huge winds they had no chance.
Today more towns are under threat this is far from over, with tempos reaching heat again next week this is not going to stop. Five towns are currently being evacuated but at least unlike marysville these guys have had a warning. Marysville which is the bottom of a mountain had three fire fronts the entire town no longer exists. Below are some terrible photos of what has completely changed victorias bushfire history.

Please please pray

A devastated jip and family

the darkest day in victorias history

2009-02-08T09:05:00.006+11:00

yesterday the temperatures reached 48 degrees, 117.32 F the highest in our history. the kids and us spent the day in the water unable to get out because the 100 kms winds were so strong. Even when we did get out we had to get straight back in again because of the fear of wind burn and dehydration, it was and will remain forever etched in our mind.

Last night Victoria were put under a state of emergency, as homes are going up in flames as we speak, highways closed and 85 dead (two of our friends are now dead) with fires raging still out of control. My friends have been evacuated their homes and last night i called my ex to let him know to evacuated because our home is in the line of fire if the fire turns. Today we are under more threat because of lightening strikes. This is a terribly sad day as some towns no longer exist and some towns have no daylight because the fires are blocking it out, over 30, 000 fire fighters cant control the blazes and they cant count the toll because they cant even enter the townships that no longer exist. it is the saddest day for Victoria since ash Wednesday. Terrible sadness. please pray as those still fight for their lives and their homes. its now been labelled death saturday

Christmas at our house

2008-12-26T08:00:00.002+11:00

At about 6 am the kids woke but thankfully i redirected them back to bed hehehehehe, at about 7.30 they were no longer being redirected anywhere and five kids were ripping open presents and squealing in delight. J and L immediately disappeared to play the PlayStation, the girls googled after their bratz stuff and M the other twin rode his bran new bike. Me on the other hand drank a cup of tea and grinned at how lucky we were to have made it to xmas this year.

Their father arrived at about 8 with more presents and he offered to take the kids so could clean up and they could play at his house, grateful offer accepted. At 12 we arrived to a friends place near the beach, this is a family who celebrate on xmas day with other non family like us, and from there proceeded to eat until we couldnt eat anymore. Our ex was joining us for the day so we could have a drink (passion pop), but also so he could have xmas with his kids. We stayed sitting in the hot sun (yep we got burnt again :P) for a few hours and few bottles of passion pop later, before we had to run.

Racing home we gathered four more salads and ham and everything and made it to another friends place by five, from there we proceeded to eat drink and laugh some more. For dinner was seafood and paella, now can i tell you ive seen paellas but never eaten it and it was magnificent. After dinner we sat down and played blackjack before heading home, we got home at midnight.

Yesterday when someone commented that they had had a crap year and hoped the next one would be better and looked at us and went what about you, we grinned and said nope this was our best yea, the next blog we will do will be a review of the year and why it was so good.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE.

yes we are a multiple .......but we arent so different

2008-12-15T14:10:00.009+11:00

We finally got time to call Rising Rainbows today, and as we were chatting we started talking about the place some multiples put themselves into as far as still remaining a victim and then we talked about the role that the media have portrayed of multiples as being unique and different or weird or any othe such word you put it. then we went on to talk about my relationship with people now and the place mon kept us in and how different it all is.
The one thing mon did was she was able to somehow make our thinking in such a way that we believed we were so specially unique and different that no one could possibly understand us like her. But more importantly that our diagnosis was so uniquely different that it had to be treated with kit gloves by only those who could possibly get their head around the concept of multiplicity. After all being a "diagnosed" multiple as we are makes us unique and very delicate. For the five years of therapy with mon we truly believed we were so different to everyone else that no one could possibly understand what being a multiple meant, so therefor mon was right its best to tell no one in case they as she put it "damage us further", because we all know all multiples are easily exploitable by terrible people.

We remember being appalled one day when she was laughing on the phone to us saying she had showed her friends our blog and they were reading http://lifespacings.blogspot.com/2006/12/unusual-multiple-facts.html
and how much they had learnt about multiplicity from that one blog. Looking back we cringe because it only exemplifies the fact that the weirdness of multiplicity interests people far more than the intrinsic mind fullness of it. It also cemented in our difference from the rest of the world a fact that the media and therapy alike both portrayed. Our fear of being labelled a sybil or eve has made us wary of telling people we are a multiple: that is up until now. Mon's need to remind us of how volatile we were and even at times her reminder to us we were unstable or a danger to ourselves made us self question wether we would ever be free of this label that multiplicity seeded to give out.

Mon also managed to contain that inability to cope; with her need to remind us of how much we owed her. Part of our upbringing has been guilt and shame long before our multiplicity became known we knew we felt guilt and shame we have always felt we owe everybody everything, once we found out we were a multiple that became even worse because we felt we must have done things even if we hadnt. But we also found how easy ti was for people to blame us for things, shes a multiple she must have done it, even mon managed to do that more than once with no evidence the blame was fit firmly on our shoulders, her you have done this before was enough to tell us we did it again, in turn our oh we must have because we are multiples also came into play. When we felt we hadnt she would immediately use the ply of do you know how much ive givenyou and how much time I've lost and how much my family have suffered for supporting people like you?

Now lets look at that "people like you" means multiples. The basic manipulation of reminding us that we werent a person in her life but a multiple was constant. People have often asked us what took us so long to leave and our response was we felt we couldnt be a good multiple without her support, we also felt we owed her, after all she often told us what she siuffered to continue to offer us Therapy, we couldnt just up and leave her after all who would pay her bills. We felt with Mon burdened finacially and emotionally, spiritually stripped back and feeling that as a multiple no one could possibly understand us like mon so therfor no other therapist would ever be able ot do it like her. Mon made us feel obligated to her. And this is what a lot of multiples feel that they cant do it without so and so by their side or they cant do it at all without their therapist or support because everyone knows how unstable they are after all they are a multiple. In fact i often cringe when i hear the things multiples have bean told they cant do because they are a multiple, some have beend they cant drive because they switch too much, they cant look after their kids they are too unstable, they cant go here or there without someone because they might switch, well meaning people without a clue. One thing i learnt fast after leaving mon was that staying with someone who is doing me damage makes me so much more of a multiple than i need to be.

Since leaving mon we have focused less on our multiplicity and more on our co consciousness and healing, we are less ashamed of our diagnosis because the people we have around us couldnt give a shit. We were saying to rainbows today our pastors know we are a multiple but treat us no differently than any other parishoner, when we have a issue they dont go oh we better be careful cause shes a multiple they go ok lets find a sensible solution and whoever out or around can be part of it but this is what we are going to do, not once have they reminded us of how different we are, wanna know why because to them we arent. And in turn it reminds us that a lable is what makes us different not a diagnosis.

The people we hang with now nearly all of them know we are a multiple but are so non plussed about it and our switches they simply care about how we are but not who we are, t hey dont ask names and we dont tend to tell them, choosing now to live with a diagnosis that we cant change and with many alters inside but not feeling like we have to announce to everyone who we are. I know many therapists who proudly tell their fellow therapists of how they are working with this multiple or that multiple , i know when mon used to announce us to people it only served to remind us of how different we were how unique that someone needed to discuss us even at conferences. Nowadays we are relieved to not have to live the multiple name or play the multiple game.You the game oh wouldnt it be great to have a little out now and out they trot.

Id like multiples to know that they do have the power to be them without all the bullshit attached, yes you do switch but the bigger deal made the more it is likely to happen, the more you are told u are different the more you are going to believe it until you are so trapped you cant really understand you can also be free. Don't let anyone entrap you back into being a victim because you are a multiple, you are no different to any other person walking this earth, you are a survivor with a unique ability to hide that does not make you unmovable or unbalanced.

Sa'de and Thalia

The power of not cutting *strong talk of self infliction and abuse********

2008-12-06T10:57:00.001+11:00

We decided to put his back up as Dr Deb had written an article relating to SI and we felt so strongly about it we wrote a long response to what Dr Deb wrote http://drdeborahserani.blogspot.com/2008/12/self-embedding-disorder.html
and then referenced to this blog here, one of passions is that all people who feel the need to self inflict get the help and support they need without the comments we got from one doctor saying perhaps if we did it right next time it might be bettter to be near the wrists, so here is what we wrote.

*********this blog will talk about self inflction and some of our abuse please be careful when reading***************

we were actually sitting here and thinking about doing a totally different blog but we started ti visit blogs and saw one about a new blogger who had gone twelve months without self inflicting. She is also a fellow multiple and knows how high the achievement is, so we thought we would do a blog about self infliction, this time though on a different theme.

There is more power in not cutting than cutting. its been nine months since Amelias near fatal overdose which would have resulted in us not being here anymore, its been ten months also since anyone has cut. For those not familiar with our history it takes you only a Short time before you See the hideous scars that adorn both arms inside and out. In all over the years from about twelve onwards we have probably cut our body more than 300 times resulting in over 100 stitches for various cuts. We have overdosed more than thirty times and died once in an ambulance with paddles needing to be used to re suss us.

Over the years our body learnt to adapt to the abuse we received in the hands of monsters but unfortunately their lies taught alters inside well. If you ask anyone inside why they cut they will tell you various reasons but mostly its because of three reasons. The pain and torment of not cutting when a program has been kicked into place to cut is unrelentless and only once the cut has been performed can the program stop. the other one is to cut is letting bad blood out and good blood in thus taking away the bad feelings and making sure good blood (feelings) can come in, and lastly to stop the emotional pain and cause a physical one means that what they cant speak can be acted and shown, and for some alters seen so they know that what they couldnt explain in terrible memories can be explained in scar, kind of like look now do you believe me it hurts as you are bleeding profusely. Alarmingly some alters have been trained to cut perfectly, abusers using other children to perform cuts similar to those done by our hand on ourselves as a teaching tool for showing how to perform the perfect cut. A lesson taught so well that one passover night we were lying in hospital having stitches put in a arm that was more open than a tin can with a opener. Frighteningly some alters have been taught to not only be methodical but also fast, switching in and out they can do with ease having been taught so well.

See our abusers knew how to make sure we kept quiet but more importantly if other people think you are mental who is going to believe you. So a adult going to receive stitches for a cut to doctors means you are unstable and therefor any other story you give will be unbelievable. It is a rare doctor that can look beyond the scars and see a different story. But we also know where we came from doctors came and fixed you up if your abusers went too far in their abuse of you. We can clearly remember at six bleeding profusely because the grandfather had decided he wanted to see how a folded aluminium lid could be placed internally unfortunately getting it back out after insertion caused a ripping and thus needing medical attention. So thats no problem call a friend whose a doctor and whammo all fixed.

So the problem then becomes for us someones cut they have disappeared who is game enough to see a doctor to get help. Often cuts not attended and left cause a scar that is both horrible and unsightly only insuring our belief that cutting reminds us of how bad we really are. But lately we have found a new sort of power and that is the power over not cutting, for ten months we have been without help fighting not cutting, when things for us get too out of control in the past alters have used cutting as a way of coming down and trying to edge back to reality. But learning new ways of doing this has been enlightening, for example walking away from any weapon is hard but effective, as we walk each step away we also say under our breath "no cutting program will be allowed today", the more we walk the faster we get until suddenly we realise the programing is shutting down and the urge is leaving. We force the program back by acknowledging there is one and taking control over it. We have things on the outside that self sooth us we walk to the beach we write we talk we watch TV we use the breathing Mr wonka shared with us, but more importantly we remind ourselves whose in control now.

the cult arent in control of our life we are, so if we are then what lies more powerful the cutting and actually doing it or the control and power we have over not doing it. We let those who have used cutting as a base for relieving themselves of pain to come out and find something they like doing, recently some alters who have used cutting all their lives are now doing jigsaws instead, you see jigsaws require numerous balances of brain and hands absorbing themselves in something that requires both takes the temptation away of using hands for other things. Dispelling myths around self infliction for us has been the key, we used to tell people we were in car accident now we say hey we used to self inflict and thanks to learning new ways we are learning not to do it as a pain reliever, can i tell you thats more freeing than hiding behind the scars the cult inflicted on us. Even more interesting is peoples reactions, a lot stop look up and say hey i know someone who does that can you talk to me about your experience, suddenly the power is taken away. Cutting isnt cool its a dabilatating illness that can be heartbreaking and lonely, learning new ways is a choosing as much as cutting is a choice, we have chosen to cut the programning the cult gave us and create new thought processes, will that be always successful absolutely not but just like AA its one second, one minute one hour at a time.

Too many names to sign on this one

No time left for bullshit

2008-12-04T09:18:00.004+11:00

Yesterday i caught up with a few friends organising their visit over the summer holidays. Everyone ants to visit us at the beach, it will be a busy summer. As we were chatting to one friend a friend whom for a while we lost because of Mon she said to me on the phone you are so strong now, she said its amazing what getting rid of dead wood can do. Going on i was making her laugh because iw as saying to her that i have decided that we "dont do Jesus anymore" and therefor have decided we arent going to be a christian, laughing she said about time. Going huh because she is a christian, she said youre finding god for you and its about time.

Laughing with her we went yes, sadly though both of us knew what that meant. You see all our life we have been force fed bullshit in one degree or another, the cult fed us their bullshit, then we thought church might be better but they fed us their bullshit, some of our ex friends fed us their bullshit, mon certainly fed us hers, but the truth is whats the bullshit we believe. Do we believe that god is my father ummmm nope that concept isnt going to settle right for us, do we believe we are the bride of christ oh fuck no way thats a concept so sick its twisted, do we think of god as our husband hell no havent we just got rid of one husband we aint taking on another, so therfor if we are not happy with any of those concepts they are the ones that have managed to bullshit their way into our life.

In church i see many sheep but a loss of individualism. It seems Christianity is made up of many concepts and you have to find the right place for you to fit in, yet gods teaching says you should be you. I think what we are learning is all our life we have been taught to be whoever someone else wants us to be but never had toe freedom to be us. The cult wanted us to be obedient and quiet and then after all that a leader and teacher, our parents wanted us to put up with their abuse and so therefor created two daughters one compliant one they brutalised, the church wanted us to be good, so good that guilt became our only focus, self punishment went from one cult to the church equally sharing guilt. Mon wanted us to fight Satan so the evil forces of the world can be defeated and along the way she could be the hero for all concerned, we were her little prodigy an example of what she could achieve, we lost much of identity in therapy with mon. Some of our friends have thought we are much better being this an that or looking like this or that all in the name of shame. See if we are different we might embarrass some people so their concept of shame transfers to us and we do what we can to comply.

So the other day we sat with our pastor and said we wont lose ourselves to someone elses ideal because ti is more comfortable for you. This is a time in our life where we truly are searching for the spirituality we feel we need to find, our time for bullshit is over. We have decided we do believe in a good holy and gentle god, but know there is a god of justice and that concept satisfies us, this time though we are still making up our mind about who jesus is and what that means for us, the few people we have left in our life are standing in a row applauding this new walk, for the new walk means we can get rid of the bullshit of moulded fake Christianity and start back at the basics. , a concept most people are afraid to do. Not being any religion is freeing and fun, we dont have to do this or that for anyone anymore. Oh dont get me wrong there are some extremely strong believers of Christianity inside but even they acknowledge some of their beliefs have never been their own, but given by church.

To some people who have been in our life they would immediately says well shes now heading to hell because of this, or Satan has taken her back in, we laugh at the immature basic concepts they have of a god who is far more intelligent than this crap way of thinking. I believe of all this god is standing up applauding our courage at re discovering him because you know 3what when we find out what we believe it will be without bullshit and guilt and shame and others crap. Thanks god for free thought. WOOOHOOOO

Every cloud has a silver lining.

2008-12-02T14:03:00.003+11:00

Today i went and found myself a good lawyer, he will organise everything for a small fee (yeh right its small:P), the ex has agreed once he found out ive got a solicitor to place the house on the market. But then along comes a surprise, hanging up the phone i then called the third party who also has an interest in the property and he asked me if he can get finance he wants to buy the property and save any real estate fees. I went take it, we wont walk out with much but a small profit that can go toward a block of land.

The kids are changing schools next year so that we can return to full time work something we are excited about. We will hopefully start a butchers apprenticeship in feb. For now we still continue to work part time at the fruit and vegie shop, except now we are head honcho because our co worker left and we have now been promoted to train new staff that come in and right now there is a lot as xmas is fast approaching and its their busiest season. So now we dont unpack the truck but stack the shelves ready for the day in other words we window dress.

The principal at the school we are leaving is now verging on insane and im wondering her sanity. When she found out we had looked at another school (at this point hadnt even enrolled the kids) she rang me and screamed (and i mean that literally) down the phone she was removing our kids from the school effective immediately, when i calmly informed her that not only was that illegal but foolish as the media was only a phone call away and the local member of parliament and the education department she backed down fast. Looking at her afterward i said to her you know what you are a liar and a bully you do know that dont you, she only smiled. Yesterday she expelled a student its only a matter of time before the school blows and a serious incident occurs, we are getting out before it does.

And on a fun note my children went on their first sailing lesson on Saturday, to see them learn about rope and winds and tides then to see them leave and go out was an extraordinary experience. Even more amazing was their gratitude toward me as their mum. Yesterday as we put up the xmas tree together i realised how far we'd all come and how much further we all had to go but as we giggled through tinsel, i realised my family is the most amazing in this world.

Deshanti

Just when i thought.....

2008-11-30T21:42:00.004+11:00

I probably should explain whats going on.

Three weeks ago i gave my ex money for insurance on the house we still jointly own, i pay half and he pays half, well thats the theory anyway. I get a text message on my phone saying my insurance hadnt been paid but he had been granted a two week extension. Picking up the kids once again two hours late on the weekend he said he would pay it Monday, Monday passed i call him he doesnt get back to me, Tuesday the same, Wednesday the same finally Thursday he returns my call saying oh sorry i cant pay it ive paid other bills instead. Demanding my money back so i could pay he said nope havent got it, in tears realising i wasnt getting my money back i repaid the insurance. it was the single most heartbreaking moment in the last ten months with my ex. In fifteen years he stole my smile, my hope, my Independence, my courage, my dreams, my protection and finally when i didnt think he could take anything else hes stolen my money.

Im really sorry we havent got to your blogs but we are just simply hurting, this has been a huge blow for us not because of anything other than yet another person who we let in has stolen from us making us wonder if we should let anyone in again. The two people we have let in seem to have disappeared over the last week, Noel said hed get back to us but he gets so busy he forgets and my other friend has gone on holidays, so we pretty much are working through this on our own. Jane is gone till January now and MR wonka the same. Thats probably all we can write at the moment. Sorry.

sometin from te litls

2008-11-29T19:12:00.003+11:00

te bigs no tink it wort doin musc no more i tink tey bes a bit sada tan tey gona let anion no cause tey bes suborn tey no depresed but tey worid case tey no haf no terapy til midle a janury an tey tink it beta tey jis stay was from pepls an bes te islan mon tels tem tey no saposed to be. I tink tey sad of lefin mon an tey ben lefs wth mor qwestins tan ansas as wes al hafs afas mons an tey bes sad of memoris tey no telin pepls tey getin case tey wans efiron to se tem as brafe is getin to tem but case we litls wes cans cals no ons case tey no gona unasand no litls voics like ors.

soma a te litls watcin

2008-11-27T11:59:00.003+11:00

Sometimes no matter how strong you are something can come along and completely rip your heart and guts out, sometimes its so bad we wonder why we bother doing anything at all, sometimes we just need a friend but always when you need one they cant be found, sad is sometimes all we can come up with to explain what goes on just plain sad.

no random bullshit here

2008-11-24T21:57:00.006+11:00

Yesterday we were talking to a person who we hadnt spoken to for a while and with whom the departing of ways was less than ideal. Turning to her i said "you know what L? I thought for a few days what a fucking bitch and you could go to fucking buggery", both of us leaned back in our seat and laughed, laughed because both of had the freedom to share those thoughts without implications and most of all because both of us were on a journey to find a voice we both had lost.

Since leaving Mon we are truly finding a deep powerful voice, no more tyranical Jesus wont like that crap arse fucking bullshit, that i didnt give a fuck about anyway, a voice of life and what for us acceptable and what is not, we are choosing to fuck off people who have no impact on our life leaving us with few but strong friendships. we have no issue in spending time alone thirty seven years of seeing people living breathing humans has finally given us the hump and we have had a fucking nough. But its more than that we are in a place where nutcases are actually the norm so who gives a shit about us being a multiple.

Our school is made up of drug addicts, abusers, rich, poor and mentally challenged. Never have we felt more at ease than here. We arent in hiding like we have been, Hell we can even smile, as an unmedicated bi polar woman drives her child through the car park at school with her kid on her lap, she hasnt got custody of her kids but is trying hard to get life on track. Or then there is mad mary she was 24 when she gold dug her rich runner husband of 64 in a public wedding we actually attended. Divorcing four years later it was of no surprise, when asking her why she married him she said because she was his mother in a past life and had to nurture in this one to go onto the next one. She truly believed this. Then we have another friend who has to juggle who new partner being in a house her ex built whilst her es tries to find ways to find him and do significant damage to him, she is mother to babies to both of them, her new partner is a complete mental case, shes trapped because she had a baby to the new one but still loves the previous one.

Or the mother whose children were taken off her because she chose to support her pedophile husband (whose in jail) and cant understand why her drug habit should prevent her from getting them back, her 12 year old son only knows his dad from jail visits that are highly watched because he knows his dads a child rapist. Or the principal who lies so succinctly the whole school knows but keeps her job because she knows the right people and will try to crucify anyone who stands in her way (trust me we learnt that first hand). Or the mother who finds out if youve said something bad to her daughter and stalks you until you apologise (this hasnt happened to us). Or the prep teacher who told a mother the other day that all little girls were a pack of bitches with hers being the biggest bitch of all.

Im sure we are talked about but tell you what it doesnt bother us anymore, we are so over being a multiple or whatever we are so sick of people making bullshit stuff up, we simply have found a voice that says you know what dont like it fuck off. At church we are over trying to be a christian we tell them now we dont do Jesus, cause guess what Jesus freaks us out. When they step back we smile and move on, now they are used to that many have stopped being shocked and genuinely want to know us not for conversation sake just because they care about us wether we do Jesus or not. As we focus less on what Satans up to we get a glimpse of what gods doing and thats a heck of a lot more fun.

In therapy we dont say what we think Jane wants to hear we saying whatever is on our fucking mind. no more paying for random bullshit or pleasing a therapist we are over it. We spend every second weekend without kids reading books sunbaking and watching tv we fucking love it, so compared to the maniacal people w have seen lately we would probably scale multiplicity quite low. When people ask us about our past we say we grew up knowing pain deep within beyond measure, we dont expand we dont have to, we are who we are but finally we have reached a conclusion fuck off if you dont like us and we in turn will tell you to fuck off the same.

marrikah and Angela and Josephine and little katie (who shoves her middle finger up the best)

A little ray of light

2008-11-22T07:11:00.005+11:00

Because we have done what we can with Mr Wonka he sent us back to Jane for some therapy and will resume seeing us in the new year, part of my deal (sort of wrong words but thats what it is ) with the protectors here. Which was if they found me a therapist i could relate to and i didnt have to see mon ever again then i would make a concerted effort to make sure i knew and understood what was going on on the outside as much as possible.

So each day now i try and learn whats going on in the day how the children are and life in general. This in turn helps me to try and get more confidence to be out a bit more which i have like going swimming and playing sandcastles with my children on the beach. I can see why the move here was needed to be and i realize how close i nearly made it for this to not happen and feel sad by that thought but then i also know that when you get that sad and that desperate then there doesnt seem any more light and for me back months and months ago there was no light.

So the other day i found myself on Janes couch in therapy. Now to understand this you need to understand that being on that couch was the first time i felt comfortable enough to allow myself to be there no one made me be out like with Mon i was asked by Capri if i wanted to see Jane and i said yes and that was that. Sitting on her couch i found i was beginning to sneak looks at her and what she looked like, i felt safe and not so frightened, seeing Noel there only helped me feel more at ease. But there is still fear there for me, im so scared sometimes shes going to move or do what mon did and walk around in a circle and stop and when i wanted to run back inside make the others stop me until in the end i just fainted from fear anyway. Im so scared because sometimes i think of mon and then i shrivel to a mess. I feel so stupid for saying that but one of the reasons i tried to ovverdose back in Feb (i think thats when it was) was so that i didnt have to see Mon ever again. I know thats stupid but thats how afraid id become of her and didnt know how else to make her go away except to make myself go away.

So here i am in therapy and i start to cry i dont know why i just cant stop once i start but im crying because i realise that the protectors have kept their promise and got me a new therapist, im crying because Jane keep calling me honey and doesnt get mad because i struggle to remember some things, but i cry more because i cant remember. I can remember being put say in car but i cant remember anything more until i wake up in my bed like it was a dream. I cry because when i call myself stupid she doesnt tell me off but says it was part of me not having to live it and someone else living it for me then i cry because i feel i wasnt brave enough to live it and shes keeping on saying no honey its because it was so very very bad someone had to go away and pretend to live a normal life and that was you. Then i am crying because i feel so bad for Deshanti who tells such terrible things mum did to her and i am sad because her pain is awful, then im crying because I miss my mum and wish she wasnt dead, and lastly im crying because for the first time in a really really long time i Can see light.

Im glad that i dont see mon anymore but im sad too because sometimes i hear some inside share what happened to them with mon and i realise im not the only one. I dont want to hope too much that Jane might be able to help me because i am still so scarred from mon but in the little ray of light i see a therapist that is doing the right things and maybe this time is for real about them but only time will tell.

Amelia

Three viewpoints and pics to match

2008-11-17T13:33:00.008+11:00

The next three pics were sent to us and we had a laugh from them so we hope you do also.

Where we start

Where we move to next

Where we usually end up

we felt like we wanted a new avatar (profile pic) that resembles how life is for us so the choice was leaping over a river that seems far too large and seeing if we make it but at least giving it a go.

Spritual Burnout.

2008-11-14T21:35:00.005+11:00

It was probably about April we started to feel the first moments of spiritual burnout. it was after our birthday and suddenly we were tired so very very tired. We didnt drag ourselves to church but we felt almost completely non plussed about religion yet in contrast our life was so happy. This wasnt a depression this was a burnout total spiritual burnout.

For five years we had done nothing but spirituality in fact all our life we had done nothing but spirituality. But lets focus on the last five years. Mons approach was always and will assume will always be spiritual. Mon's mission was to fight the programs by fighting the way ti was put in the only way to do this was spiritually. But unfortunately it became the only way we did almost anything. I can remember driving down the highway one day close toward leaving mon (this is something we have never shared) and an alter coming to me and asking that could they leave the top level and return to some other level because they couldnt stand the constant battle therapy had become. this was a significant protector alter who had pretty much given up on gods guidance and could see the one man band mon had certainly become.

But the burnout was happening a bit before that Rosie called constantly almost as much as mon and her phone calls at night very night. We knew we were suffocating. At first when we moved we were scared we would get found but over time as that didnt happen we started to fele suffocated by constant phone calls, we felt we had to respond because if we didnt then our friends would get called at all hours, we were trapped to responding. At times we wondered if perhaps mon was sending us to mental instability, almost like no way will you ever get free and im going to remind you you arent. Spiritually we were dying, we had to step away from god and Satan like. We were sick of naming demons, fighting demons, calling Jesus (who we dont even relate to) into our life and whilst we only fought spiritually we started slide terribly downward.

When mon asked strange things that were so unethical they were scary we started to depress into a spiritual downfall, we realised she wasnt all she said she was. And one day ti took one thing for us to hit the spiritual wall full on. Mon asked us if it was ok that Rosie take our notes and work through them so they were more compact for mon, it was this that made us hit the wall. We went oh wow if shes asked this for us what else has she done that isnt quite right. Spiritually we knew we ahd to find the spark within us to claw our way back because we knew all that had gone on was killing us deep inside. It was about then that some higher power/light said fight for whats right. It was then we asked Rosie to leave our life because her in it was wrong had bene wrong was always going to be wrong. The spiritual spark returned but this time not as a victim. but we had burnt out first.

What cause our spiritual damage was long term misuse of spirituality to fight evil all the time and let very little joy in. Other people praying for us when other professionals should have been talking to us (mon preferred intercessors over psychologists), telling mon it was hurting and she not hearing. Hearing someone constantly tell us god told them. And the terrorizing fear that being left in gods hands just might bring about our death. Now we are learning about a god who doesnt want to burn us out in order or us to get to know him and he doesnt even mind we take it at our own pace. but i tell you at one point there was a chance we wouldn't get this far to even get this far with god when the damage was getting done

We are so grateful we have had a chance to find a place spiritually for us, but sad because it took such a tole on us, but we are getting there slowly and cautiously.

Jip - etal

Releasing soemone from our life and trying to find a guilt free life

2008-11-11T10:59:00.006+11:00

On Thursday we met with our pastor, this was the first meeting we have ever had where we were both comfortable enough for her to ask questions and us to share where we were at. You see part of this public journey we go through we also have times of amazing growth privately. Sharing this with our pastor for the first time was inspiring for her and us and it enabled us to see where we would like to head and how much more we need to do to be where we want to be.

But one of the things we talked about was the empowerment to release someone from our life and the changes that can bring. Many many moths ago long before we told anyone of our decision to leave mon we had a releasing ceremony, this happened to take place at church it happened to be the same day that new things started to come into our life and we started to refocus on a future. The releasing was not an easy thing to do, it took place in the back pews where we (who often get visions) saw a butterfly on the back of our hand not an ordinary butterfly but a powerful healing one. In ancient jungles of Brazil there lies a legend of the blue butterfly legend tells us that this butterfly can cure even the worst illness just by the touch of its wings. But this butterfly is rare and only has a span of two days before it ends its journey on earth and another year has to pass before the butterfly flies again. Seeing this amazing creature on our hand we wanted to hold it and keep it forever but we knew in order to release mon from our life and perhaps even us from hers we had to let this healing butterfly go. And as we did we instead saw a rainbow take it out the window. We had learnt the power of releasing someone from our life and the peace that can bring.

With that came a time where we went soul searching, releasing mon we also released what we thought we might believe as far as god and decided to start again. We stripped slowly the words of others about who they thought god was and even how he should be in our life and over the last few months have started to formulate our own ideas and perceptions. This has truly bene a fulfilling journey for we have got the archaic hell and brimstone out of our life and the guilt that entailed and started toward a journey with god that is based on him and us rather than everyone else him and us. The things we used to drive us to near suicide in guilt dont have as much impact anymore because we realised that it was because those rules belonged to someone else. Fro example our decision to be with neither male or female isnt based upon if you are promiscuous you re going to go to hell or if you are gay its the same, its based upon the fact that we want to focus on our kids and although occasionally we might slip up and sneak a kiss with a rare date (which has happeend) we dont carry the guilt for doing so we simply resolve ourselves that we are indeed human and as a human being other human beings actually like us. God still likes us for our flaws and flip outs.

Part of this process has been a dawning of people placing sins according to a belief that being say gay is worse than being not married and living with your partner. yet god doesnt condemn either but has pointed out the problems that might occur if you choose that path. In the same way i see hypocrisy throughout the board, we often talk about slave and free yet the way i see it whilst everyone is condemning each other to be a better christian etc etc and not changing from the inside out each person remains slave. Slave to their beliefs slave to trying to prove they are better. Whilst some people have been in our life self righteously watching and giving their rules we have others coming in who say learn grow be free and in time you ll find out whats right and wrong, i truly believe in a god who wants us to learn and thankfully hes giving us an opportunity to do so without the condemnation other people try to peat out.

I am careful now on whose in our life because guilt empowered people cause you to feel guilty and they themselves arent healthy. The only time now we think about Satan is if we have to because of a memory mostly we try and focus on god, we felt we have spent far too many years focus sing on evil and very little on good. We were also encouraged buy certain people in our life to do so because doing so and finding out this and that about what happened to us might free otehr people. You know what it probably didnt because only a person can choose to get free me giving them the clues can only facilitate that. I guess the place we had to get to was spiritual burn out. And unfortunately we got there this year. I guess when every therapy session we had was based on spirituality and satan versus god you too would burn out. But it has helped us listen more intently to what others say and understand that their godly rules are for them but might not be for me. Lets face it growing up the way we have causes enough guilt without anymore being heaped on in the name of their beliefs.

In time i dont know where this learning will lead but i know it will lead to whats right in our heart and our future and our life and hopefully as we start to change, people can also see that a guilt free walk with god is how he would want it to be.

A few of us

So here it is

2008-11-07T19:47:00.006+11:00

Well the report is in Mr Wonkas report that is. I havent actually introduced Mr Wonka before but i guess i ougta now. Mr wonka is our psych with who works beside Jane as one of our Therpists he is a leading expert in trauma patients, he has over forty years experience, he has worked with vietnam vets through to the Granville train accident (a major accident in Australia) he has been called to help with bushfire victims and even more extreme has he himself been the victim of a hijacking whilst mid air. This we only found out about a few days ago via Jane who told us that his PHD was in trauma victims. We didnt even know this and was shocked. If someone doesnt know something Mr Wonka is the one they consult and bingo we step into his office and he takes us on WOW.

So Mr Wonka always let his clients know what is written about them and his findings so here they are.

"I accept the psychiatrists assessment of Dissociative Identity Disorder and can reconcile this diagnosis with my own observation. K suffers from the severest form of complex Post - Traumatic Stress Disorder and the acquisition of rudimentary skills to to tolerate the distress that accompanies the early stages of trauma resolution. Whilst it is usual to also teach the body scan technique so that people can become aware of the early warning body-based signals that accompany the anxiety, in K's case i would be leaving that until she has more confidence in using the breathing to stabilises her feelings and only approach simple body scans later in the treatment cycle."

This of course is only a bit of his finding but the rest is relevant to us and Jane, and wher we start to proceed toward.

So will this help Amelia and others know they arent crazy and that we arent i dont know but for the first ever time this is finally in writing and you know what this made this moment important for us protectors and the system alike.

more on denial and accpetancce

2008-11-06T06:00:00.000+11:00

yesterday we spent a bit of time talking to Mr Wonka about acceptance of what has happened and how acceptance is part way to healing. Now there is a difference between acceptance and complacency. Acceptance means you acknowledge the depth of pain you went through but have a chance to feel about it and get healing from it. But we explained acceptance wasnt an easy concept for any of us. As you can see from this blog written here http://lifespacings.blogspot.com/2008/06/journey-from-denial-to-acceptance-to.html.

After the six year old started to tell more and more of her story and she could give actual events and words with such clarity we started to accept that maybe life was beyond normal after all. When finally we realised that this six year old had truly faced a rebirthing episode to some form we had come to a place of well thats ok that was a once off. Obviously the people involved were a bit nutty that night and that was that. Then a seven year old steps forward with another story more terrible than that first and so the list started to continue. Throughout it all every bit of us had this urgency to deny faster than accept. then memories like these come flooding http://lifespacings.blogspot.com/2008/07/sadness-of-photo.html.

of course your brain doesnt want to acknowledge any of this, see if we were able to cope with the enormity then of course we wouldnt have split in the first place. No one wants to talk about effigies or demons, the world declaring people who see those things as insane. There were times when alters remembered things that they were so unbelievable to depraved so sordid that the mind shut it out before it could go any further. http://lifespacings.blogspot.com/2008/06/cage-children-triggering.html. or even worse remembering smelling or eating things most humans wouldnt ever consume normally.

but that is the whole thing about living the way we did, normally wasnt a word used, and that is why denial sits always better than acceptance. If it all had been "normal" our need to deny wouldnt be so high. The truth is there wasnt a normal in our life and so to create normal we have split off alters who have to play normal like Amelia in order to cope with what was obvious sickeningly twisted abnormal. I dont think anyone ever sits back and says oh wohoo we got raped and abused by monsters and we have seen horrors unspeakable, but we know over the years we have moved from being overwhelmed by the horrors to understanding that lessening the blow is to start accepting and stop denying. Accepting this as part of our past has been hard but vital. Sure there are days where we would do anything to not know as we do hell to even pretend we had a perfect childhood but that is wistful thinking rather than actual truth.

Acceptance for us isnt about embracing what they have done more about embracing ourselves in the understanding of what they did, learning that we cant change that for now but we can have a voice in our future. We never minimise someones need to feel sorry for themselves hell we do it all the time but after the time we allow for the why me we step back and start working through how we can make sure it doesnt consume us and thats why we have to accept first for denial leads us back into hiding and gives the memory more control. Dont get me wrong when you hear a story like this one http://lifespacings.blogspot.com/2006/07/sadness-in-my-heart.html acceptance can go to fucking hell. But over time it does get better, never to the point of this was ok but it does get better.

I hope that encourages some people

feeling shit and congrats to our american friends

2008-11-05T14:08:00.004+11:00

you know sometimes some things come and hit you so fucking hard in the guts you wonder if there is any point to working toward healing at all, whats the fucking point. Sometimes all ican say is fuck life.

**congrats to those of our friends in the states in the wise election of what we all hope is a good president in the first ever black American Barack Obama may he lead you al lfrom the suffering you so are feeling toward hope in the future.*********

2008-11-03T08:48:00.002+11:00

Any one who knows us should have picked up that the last few blogs are because depression is trying to creep back in. Part of our depression is feelings of abandonment and isolation. We have a few things to be feeling depressed about lately.

Halloween passed but not without painful incidences, unlike other years this year we did it without support. For the last five years Mon has been on call this year no one was beside us or on call, essentially we were very much alone. And aloneness is often the most painful of all experiences. We didnt get any emails or phone calls from anyone no how are you that also feeds our feelings of isolation. So probably when the blog below was written it was in as i might say "my head up my arse syndrome" but considering how hard we have tried to keep "our head out of our arse" one momentary lapse of self pity I perhaps dont feel was deserving of some of the comments, that i read.

So heres some of the blows that are trying to feed into our pain right now. yesterday we attended a art show run by our bible study leader. Well should i say our ex bible study leader. You see a few months ago she decided she couldnt be bible study leader for us anymore and decided to become more of a support person. this was great until yesterday she decided to not be that anymore. This is and still is a terrible blow for us, not only did we like her but we also had so much in common. Her reasons were personal but she thanked us for bringing to the forefront all the issues she had been avoiding we told her we felt people always said that about us yet we always lost out because of it. Turning away we knew she would be like so many others just a distant memory, yet the sting still stings from it.

On Halloween night our ex came to pick up the children at 10.30 at night. This again was a reminder of how often he had abandoned us how often he had not been there on major rituals, how often he failed to care or love us. He once again failed also his children who were in bed, finally snapping i let him know first thing monday morning we would organise a proper access order in place and from now on i would not be helping him in any way shape or form again. It was only when he realised he'd lost a lot more than he gained did he get angry and so he stormed out of my house. Heading to bed the system let loose crying so hard our body was sore, clutching a pillow we had only that for company that and Jane and Livvy. That also fueled feelings of pain and lonliness.

Before that we received an invitation from someone to look at their facebook and as we did we realised so many more people were there than blogger causing us to wonder if blogger was going to die. This also fueled our sadness as some of the people on facebook used to be bloggers and no longer are around. Perhaps our loyalty shows through.

On top of all that we havent seen Jane in weeks because we have to finish our assessment time with the psych. Which means we essentially have gone without therapy for weeks, making us unable to place anything we are feeling or remembering anywhere but back into hiding because we have no one we can talk to.

This is also the time our mother died, halloween was the night that she was lying deathly ill in hospital and our so caleld arse father abandsoned her to attend a meeeting at midnight. That night at 3 am we signed the papers to get her to stay in hospital whilst our father was doing other things and his wife and partner in crime was dying in a hospital bed. We have so much unforgiveness over this and it fuels at any halloween time.

Sometimes we just want to know people are still out there still reading still whatever , because osmetiems it simply matters to us.

Jip-etal

is it worth continuing?

2008-11-02T18:11:00.003+11:00

we are wondering with so few people now reading blogs is it worth continuing, does what we say make any difference anyway and with so many people choosing far more upbeat things like face book or my space is blogger simply going to die like so many other. if so why should we bother also.
Each few days we put our heart out there and try and help other people yet we sit here wondering is it actually reaching anyone. is anyone benefitting from our story? if not why continue? These are the things we are thinking right now

Sa'de

2008-10-30T22:50:00.003+11:00

TERRIBLE ETCHING ACHING REMINDERS OF LIFES LOST

PAIN DEEP PAIN

HELP US FORGET

HELP US NOT KNOW THEIR CRIES

STOP THEIR TORMENT

STOP OURS

WE CANT HELP THEM

WE CANT HELP US

SICK SICKLY SWEET RED

TAKE US AWAY OH LET US FORGET

AND REMEMBER NO MORE

WE ARE SORRY IS THAT NOT ENOUGH

SOMEONE HELP US

When teachers should never be made principals

2008-10-30T06:16:00.002+11:00

As many of you know our second child missy moo a few years ago was discovered having a rare form of brain disorder. This culminated with viruses not expelling correctly out of her body and instead accumulating in wrecked brain cells in her brain. no one knows why this has occurred and no one has ever seen the likes of it before. There are a lot of what ifs regarding missy moos future and brain development, one things for certain they are certain that some viruses attack her worse than others like chicken pox and gastro. So over here its spring, spring brings chicken pox and gastro.

Driving home yesterday she informed me that one of the students to whom she plays with has been away from school because she might have chicken pox, now i can tell you that thought chills me to the bone. You see missy moos sister becaboos has not had chicken pox, and cant be around missy moo if she gets immunised, so this summer will go to her godparents for a week to get immunised so as not to bring a live virus around missy moo. Now the teachers at school have all been informed of missy moos condition, so upon hearing this story about chicken pox i ring the school and talk to the principal.

I say please get it in the newsletter this week about missy moo and how important it is to inform you that someone may have these viruses so i can have an opportunity to either keep her in school or get her out. She said pompously (because believe me she is arrogant and proud) all people inform me when their child is sick with those things and i said really then why is so and so not informed you then. She went silent and then said well most and i said i want it in the newsletter tomorrow because this is serious for her and us as a family. She informed me the newsletter had been done and she had no time to add anything to it, and next week it wil lbe in instead. I soon realised this was one hell of woman whose heart was closed even to her students and after saying goodbye politely hung up the phone.

Ringing up a friend i said ok we have to do it ourselves and finding four friends we are handing our own notes out to all parents simply saying this didnt get time to get into the newsletter. So in a few hours i am canvassing more than sixty families in the hope that they do the right thing and inform the school but all i can say is shame the principal that has her own time interests and agendas ahead of a ten year old little girl.

more about our friends

2008-10-27T16:33:00.004+11:00

In the last eight months we have spent a lot of time alone. When we dont have the kids we find jealous of our time alone. Almost like people have become an irritation to us. we spend hours down the beach drinking champagne and reading books, for the first time we have become comfortable being alone. But its taken a long time to get there.

Back where we used to live friends or company was so important to us because it meant if we had them around we were safe. We had to have them around because it took our mind and us away from the nightmare that our life was unfolding toward. having no company meant a higher chance of attending rituals or attempting overdoses or cutting. Living for each luncheon after the other meant we could drink and forget, laugh and pretend be free for that moment in time away from the terrors we knew we seep their way out again at night. We made friends/acquaintances with anyone because we needed them to make us feel real. We felt so spiralling out of control so not quite human so sleep depraved, depressed and bad we needed to be around people who treated us normally for we knew only hours later who abnormally our life would once again be.

The first time we realised we werent as weird as we thought was those steps with Noel this January.http://lifespacings.blogspot.com/2008/09/few-questions-answered.html. It was only after easter this year that we saw a video about single parenting and it said give yourself some time to be you. So far from seek friends out we started to jealously find time for us, I think because of these months of our choice of isolation we have more strength and understanding of our own abilities to make friends and be friends with people ( the best we can anyway). Its because of these months of usness that we started to see things far more clearly with Mon and were able to hear what others were saying inside. but It was more than that it was the acknowledgement that we have become less tolerant of idiots being in our life.

We have reached a point where fools arent tolerated and for that reason choose to make friends infrequently. Popular we are no one would dispute that but as we have become less selfish over ourselves and more aware of the world we find we dont have time for petty conversations about phooey nappies and smiling babies. When someone turns to me and says i dont watch the news we turn and walk away, because we realise we have reached a place in our life where we dont want to have friends for the sake of them. We dont know but asking people to leave our life has given us a renewed sense of us of our ability to make decisions based upon our own strength. I no longer want to have relationship that is based upon us and solely us. We realised that we were so focused on us and Mon and Rosie were as well that it actually made us sicker. The only friendships we have retained from our old place is Mitch and kris the rest have come and gone.

The last conversation we had with a friend was over a coffee today and it was a mutual conversation half mine and half hers. This cynicism of course makes way fro few friends but can also make great friends. Alas as triggering dates loom and we faced our first challenge yesterday from someone who could be dangerous in our life (she turned up to our church) we also know how very alone this can be. Like RR when she wrote recently there are times like yesterday where we would do anything for someone to be alongside us, but we also know that this isnt always possible. So after reading this you could all say well youve made your own bed then and the answer is yes but without doing this we know we wouldnt be as safe as we are or as sane.

Capriana

Were we Duped?

2008-10-22T08:55:00.004+11:00

yesterday we met with the psych again, this time it wasnt so bad and even better we actually think we like him. The meeting was interesting for he was able to say how nervous he was last week about meeting us knowing our severe history of abuse (jane had written him a letter) and having had questionable therapy over the last few years, he was nervous about making sure he treated us with the respect but professionalism needed. In turn i apologised for my straight forward approach (jane had had a word in my ear about being so hard on people:P) and that i was so nervous about making bad therapy decisions again that i tended to put new therapists through the fire and see how they came out. he acknowledged the fact that we were still in pain over unresolved issues with mon and he would tread gently and hopefully over time we could learn to trust but only if he proved he was trustworthy first.

So with that out of the way he asked us about grounding techniques what did we use and what had therapists taught us. Sadly placing head i said im afraid the only techniques we have used is self taught. Looking up i saw a flicker of surprise in his eyes and he said so you havent done basic grounding breathing relaxation techniques before? Shaking our head we said no. He said well im sorry this was never made available for you to use and am sad that for all the years spent in therapy you havent been taught this. We didnt reply we didnt know how to say how sad we felt right at that moment. its been the first time since leaving mon that we have felt this terrible sadness of loss of what we could have had but was never given. He gently said would you like me to show you now how you can refocus back to the present and not get caught in the past. Nodding our head up and down we felt like a stupid kid who had been give a lolly, scared and excited was there such a thing as relaxation and it was opening up for us a world of possibilities.

Walking us through how to understanding the basic breathing techniques was hard it seemed such an unnatural thing for us to do, but he was fine with that explaining that it takes practice. He said he understood that not all alters would agree to this but the more we practiced the better we could get. He played a cd for us and then handed it to us saying try this each day and see how you go, fifteen minutes a day of practice is all it takes. He called the technique mind fullness we call it usness LOL.

We then went on to discuss how we wanted to proceed. We said we had been told to see a psych by Jane and that she wouldnt work with us unless we had a GP and a psych alongside of us. He agreed that with cases like ours and the complexities of D.ID that is the way he also worked. He wanted to know if our new GP knew of our diagnosis and we replied no, he said well he needs to and we didnt say anything then said why? And he said because if you are ever in trouble and need a GP i want him to be made available for you any of you to know you can call him and be put straight through. We must have stared at him like he three heads, he looked at us and smiled and said let me guess this hasnt ever been offered to you either, shaking our head he could only sigh and say im so sorry.

So he in the end agreed to talk to Jane not exactly do therapy with us but do good grounding techniques and slowly meet alters whilst jane did the hard slog with us as far as therapy and he was there for advice to check on us and if we needed emergency therapy to be available for that to help stabilise us if that is what was needed. In turn he would talk to our GP about making sure we didnt have ot wait for any appointments with him so we always had care available to us around the clock. he was satisfied that Noel was available out of hours and that all parties were in agreement with that.

He did as he had done last week and bulk billed us meaning we didnt pay a cent. he said we had enough on our plate being single mum to five kids and having paid enough in therapy fees he wanted to cut us some slack. jane also does the same we can sometimes go over heaps and when we go to pay her more she shakes her head and says it is my choice to go over so therefor you wont pay. Mon charged regardless in fact we can see now how much money we have spent we want to ring mon saying can we have our money back, but as Jane said yesterday put it down to an expensive learning curve knowing you wont be going through it again.

Mon always told us she didnt have anything like this available that she wished she did, so were we duped?????? Or was it that mon didnt want this to be made available, mon always said she didnt want to be alone cowboy yet she operated as such. How can this be available for us when she told us this would never be there, or was it that there could have been but she chose for it not to be???????/ Here we are with a care plan that we have never seen before and although scared of feel amazed that there is this available and at the same time say if she told us this what else did she tell us that wasnt exactly the truth?????????

Today we feel sad almost teary sad as the psych just called to make sure It was still ok to call Jane and to talk to our GP and check we were ok after yesterday we said to him we are just sad and he said why? and we said because if we had done this fifteen years ago or five years ago how much in a different place we would be now, and he said i agree and i am also sad for you guys also. Thats why I will ensure that you get good therapy and support so that maybe the load can be lessened for you

Sa'de

below freezing

2008-10-21T07:14:00.003+11:00

On Sunday i was at church when a sudden wave of coldness entered, now there were two things going on the first one was triggering us but the second was strangely enough snippets of a memory or maybe an alter waking or remembering. Placing a jacket on our friend beside placed an arm around our shoulders trying to warm us, but nothing warms you when you are that cold. The last few days we have needed to be near warmth, almost like im afraid to be cold that im not sure if i let this memory flood will it mean we wont wake up.

I can tell you how it started I was about five mum was in one of her manic phases, sometimes im not even sure of that sometimes think she was just simply taken over by the devil himself. I always knew when mum was at her worst because i stopped getting called the "other one" i got called dog, cow little bitch, slut mole or cunt. Coming close to my face she said drop, drop for mum was literally fall make yourself floppy and face what was coming next. If she said drop you can be sure she had some idea in mind for he next party trick she wanted to use for you. Lifting my lifeless and still body she carried me to the bathroom. Lying me on the floor she stripped me down then lay me in the bath.

I can remember the cold porcelain against my skin, tingling because it was so cold. Putting the plug in i remained lifeless running through my head was im going to die, shes going to make me dead forever, shed put my head under the water a few times so i assumed this time because she was like the devil himself (her face would contort so bad when she was like this) this time my head wouldnt come up from the water. I remember being afraid but as always accepting my fate because from so early on i had been taught i didnt matter anyway. Filling the bath it was lukewarm and i was surprised almost jubilant that it wasnt what i was expecting.

Filling it to the top my head out of the water just she left me there, confused i had to just wait. Slowly the water cooled, i started to feel cold but it was such a slow dropping of temperature that it was hard to work out between coldness and fear. I heard her coming back and was happy thinking she had had her fun but alas not to be. As she turned to me and slapped my face she was mumbling all sorts of things and slowly pulled the plug when it was half down she filled it with cold water. I can remember even to this day the shallowness to which my breathing got, almost like it had to protect itself even to breath. I can remember that i couldnt cry because i was too cold to do anything, wanting to warm myself i wasnt allowed, eventually over and over again she filled the bath like this , until the lukewarm was now freezing. Leaving one last time she looked at me and said only Satan himself can make you warm, you better call on him, cause god doesn't save devil children.

At that moment she closed the door i floated far away, into a place that i would often drift away into when i knew there was no hope left. A place filled with buttercups and tulips a place where my body could be defiled but i didnt have to be present for it, a place where i didnt care, a place where cold and warmth were irrelevant. Some times even back there i would meet other little children, now i think about it i know i met the splits that had already taken place, i could hear them but never see them in that place i felt comfort and hope. I think i made this my death place, this was my forever and ever place. But something always drew me back, made me stay alive.

When i next woke i was in bed clothed my hair completely dry no wrinkles no proof anything had taken place, maybe it hadnt maybe i was the liar. this is how they did it, it took me years to believe myself because this often happened, either that or Amelia would come out and they would lovingly lavish her so she would never deny their love. I know the things that she did took place i know that when memories like these come i have to try and deal the best i can i know one day this wont be so bad, i know i can get through this and one day the memory wont be so bad, but right now it stings..

Deshanti

Through the looking glas, a walk through our internal world.

2008-10-16T06:41:00.007+11:00

*********wednesdays wacky word is TRADUCE*******

One of the things we are finding at the moment is how much Jane and even the new strange psych struggle with an internal world concept, that is developed. What we find strange is why they would. Jane has said a few times because of the complexities of our system and the largeness of it we need to see a psych as well as her, there are other reasons for this decision as well but that is one of the main ones. That for all the times shes dealt with D.I.D and thats a few she hasnt really met a system quite like ours and apparently no books or few books mention a system quite like ours. So whilst we are scratching our heads going and your problem is? Jane and Mr wonka are scratching their heads trying to figure us out. Now not only is this time consuming but its our time its being used in.

So lets talk about our system. As much as any singleton is present on the outside world so we are also but going on behind the scenes is a far more busier place. Our system is made up of four levels, with the top being the place we reside. We wont talk about the other levels but will talk about our top level. We have living spaces for many alters we havent counted but if we did there might be over 100 on the top level alone. Down the bottom near the boundaries lies the ice cave this is where the boys "hang out". The concept of the ice cave was taken from a James bond film where he was invited to an ice palace. The boys taking it to new extremes managed to create a wonderland filled with ice warmth and a heated swimming pool. If you ask Raoul or Wiley how they managed that they would try and explain some nucleur solar molecular something or other where ice can kept alive by some freezing technique after that im lost. The often hold bomb parties, that is who can do the biggest bomb in he pool with serious prizes given out. They have a pool table a barbecue and a bar.

Walking up from there we have a set of Tipi's where Johnny and a few smaller guys live. They prefer the outdoors so can often be found listening to music around a campfire cooking damper and marshmallows. We have never been able to establish the reason behind tipi's but something about some ancient American indian symbolism of harmony with earth and sky. If anyone knows the history of tipi's please tell me. All i know is when you go inside they are warm and mesmerising and home for these guys.

Walking above there up a hill lies a small little park area followed by cabins painted with daisies and marigolds a huge playground filled with monkey bars and ladders and anything fun, and here lies Cleo and Lucindas area. These two protectors are amazing for they look after the alters who havent yet received the bodily healing. Some alters cant walk some cant talk some ant see some cant unscrunch themselves from being placed in confined areas some are constantly cold because of being close to frozen in some bizarre experiment one had her feet bound and so cant walk properly. This area is the most enlightening for it hold the key to how our system has learnt to work for many years now. This is where my disability doesnt prevent me helping you with yours, where some who can walk but are disabled in other ways push prams for those who cant, this level has no discrimination but all are held in equal esteem no matter how disabled or disfigured.

Down below that lies the mansion. The mansion was created after our beloved castle was demolished in a nine hours deliverance/therapy session. Where a massive fight ensued and the castle was trashed. From that fight that ensued there was left not much to salvage so the rest was bulldozed to many tears and much pain and the mansion resurrected. The mansion is grand and huge it has a full scale pool,water slide theme park bedroom so many library kitchen you name it it has it, but it is missing one thing our heart. The mansion doesnt have our heart, it is not who we are or where we feel safe. In many ways its foreign and cold, we have been unable to stamp much of ourselves on this place because we stamped so much of ourselves on the castle. So for all the grandeur it has simply become a Felic symbol of a fight long gone and a battle ground that has never recovered although things grow we dont grow in the mansion because its never really been our home. Hence why the decision to rebuild the castle is an exciting concept for us. Its been fun seeing and hearing littles talk about their rooms and what they want and for them to get back their beloved willy wonka factory. Inside the castle lay the chocolate factory instead of the theme park we have now, the decision to give that back is sooooooo exciting for them.

Rebuilding the castle is more than that its about recognising what we miss and replacing it not in the same way but in a way we can live with. Its not about what happened but what can happen. So once its complete we will share some more of the castle with you.

In the middle toward the top of the level lies a biggest lighthouse youve ever seen. It is amazing and beautiful and this is where one of our wisest and oldest alters presides. His job is to shine the light at times where we know danger might be approaching the lighthouse light goes on at night but only at a small strength if its times of triggering or dates that we know we might be in danger it is lit up at the highest beam. So far we have not been penetrated by any other level so it is working. Inside the lighthouse is a complex security system so it cant be broken into and up the top an amazing maze of things bizarre but fun. Lightening has a fascination with things that are multi dimentional. Often here you will find the alters who are not wanting to see us right now, those who were attached to mon and hate our guts. But need to be safe anyway.

Above that is a enormous lake, here you will often find alters fly fishing or paddling on boats or canoeing. Around to one side is Deshanis log cabin which has become a popular place for alters who need time out to live. Daisy has permanently moved in and often now cooks and welcomes those who visit. A far cry from eh disheveled bare foot sad figure we found her at on the second level. Over the lake is a forest where our tree family live. We dont know much about them but high in the trees they hide and have made themselves comfortable homes.

To the left of the lighthouse is a secluded beach where others preside. we have a small clearing near there which houses a little animal farm. And over the top of all of this is Josies well constructed ski lift to take you easily throughpout the grounds, because she decided she didnt want to walk (as it did take a long tiem to get from bottom to top). The only issue is when its in operation dont look up because the littles have been known to paintball or water bomb you (thanks to Michaels ideas).

Down below the mansion is the old fortress which was our hom when the castle needed some renovations the fortress has bene with us as long as we can remember the castle similar. in the fortress is a world of whatever you need. Funny reading harry potter the otehr day it is like the room of requirement, (we thought the concept first LOL). In here Amy and Selina live here is where we get internal healing, where we are challeenged by change but gently nurtured also. Going here is painful but often necessary and believe me even if you dont want to go you end up there anyway. when your time to be there is meant ot be you end up there. Ive bene to this fortress and could probably account my decision about therapy to some time spent there. So if that gives you some understanding.

So there you have it some of a look within our system, not everyones system is the same but ours is workable and fun.

Icecream on your forehead the new psychologist.

2008-10-14T22:44:00.003+11:00

Today we went for the first time to see the new psychologist. Now for those reading for the first time our counsellor Jane asked us to see a psychologist for further support and evaluation with the aim to be that she and them can work together and if we needed more support we had it in the form of psychology. So off we tootle to the new psychologist. Now i know first impressions count for a lot but boy was this first impression, he was old tall walked with a limp and looked relatively lopsided, almost like he was a missing a beat and we were in time but he was ommph a oomph a oomph. Motioning to many couches he said please take a seat at any you choose so we did before he took the office swivel chair, telling us right there he needed a stationary command area which leveled far above ours. Baching warning bells.

Throughout the session he somehow managed to make us feel ohh wee big you know pee size dont know how but his chair and his height and wonkiness seemed strange almost bizarre. When we would say something he would say we will deal with that later on as right now this is my first assessment, uh huh got that. After fifty minutes he suddenly stops us dead in tracks to a question he asked and said ohhh i forgot i need to a do a "at risk" survey on you. We stare going what the fuck, he says well i need to do one. So after he has ascertained we arent at risk we say ok guess time is up and hes gone no there s ten minutes to go I hear Sa'de moan going oh fuck is there. Considering she'd presented and decided to leave, leaving me at front i thought that was funny. Laughing out loud he thinks im laughing at something hes said and im like trying to pretend hes funny (kinda is in a willy wonka sort of way) whilst laughing at sa'de and Michael now doing impersonations of the new psych.

So after hes decided we arent at risk and he says cop this "you passed" you arent at risk. Sa'de pops out saying wow a test if id know we were having one of those i might have tried harder. He wrote that down and sa'de laughed going frick head. I quietly said "just for the record mr psychologist our mum used to test us and when we failed she used to torture us, i assume by your questions you wont do the same" whilst smiling sweetly to gears inside. he looked taken aback, before apologising and saying he was prepared to learn and please be patient with him for he didnt mean for anything to be a test. Seeing josie mock fake spew was too much for me.

Upon leaving this psych said ok you can put me down as one of your primary caregivers and we tried to stop laughing. Afterwards Noel called to see how we were, well not only didnt we know how we were we didnt know where we were. The psych had unsettled us and we drove we remember talking to a friend and after that blank anyway we ascertained eventually where we were and finally made our way for lunch with Noel who graciously talked to us despite the switching and managed to finally find one at least who was able to be present enough to drive home.

End result hmmm maybe a few more phone calls to a few more psychologists preferably female this time and if all else fails another session with the psych this time with Noel in tow.

Deshanti

hilarious court transcripts !!!!!!!!

2008-10-09T21:37:00.003+11:00

These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo
.__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?

__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you for real? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:Oral.
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! _________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?_________________________________________________________

We saved the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

Wednesdays Wacky Word

2008-10-08T13:37:00.002+11:00

Each wednesday we will write a wacky word hope you enjoy :)
Todays word is

VITIATE

can anyone put that in a sentence for us?

i got tagged 31 things meme

2008-10-06T11:46:00.003+11:00

I've been tagged by S'onnie over at http://daysweeksmonths.blogspot.com/ to do the 31 Things Meme.

1. Where is your cell phone? hanging on the kitchen hook

Your significant other? no thanks have none .

3. Your hair? bright red (called fluro red) with purople blue yellow and tangellow streaks with a blond and purple fringe.

4. Your mother? In hell

5. Your father? soon to be in hell i hope

6. Your favorite thing? Jane and Livvy our teddies

7. Your dream last night? a dream about wind (again)

8. Your favorite drink? Passion pop

9. Your dream/goal? To own a house near the water and a butchers shop

10. The room you’re in? upstairs overlooking the beach

11. Your hobby? reading and cooking

12. Your fear? high winds, getting bogged and getting lost

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? in my own home running a butchers shop

14. What you’re not? a victim we are survivors

15. Muffins? gooey white chocolate with strawberry

16. One of your wish list items? health and happiness for our children and healing for us

17. Where you grew up? Melbourne Australia

18. The last thing you did? taste cornflake cookies just baked

19. What are you wearing? Tracky dacks and a top

20. Favorite gadget? foxtel IQ remote control for tv

21. Your pets? two cats back at the old house ( we cant have pets here ) but two goldfish here because the cats arent here

22. Your computer? not a laptop
.
23. Your mood? tired after two weeks of kids being home on school holidays we are also refelctive having had some space to think

24. Missing someone? Mitch and Kris and sometimes mon

25. Your car? chrysler grand voyager

26. Something you’re not wearing? a necklace we always wear but lately have taken it off and forgot to put it back on

27. Favorite store? Not Quite Right ( a store where groceries are cheaper)

28. Like someone? yep but not giving any clues here ;)

29. Your favorite color? fiery red

30. When is the last time you laughed? Yesterday at the beach watching the kids try and eat sherbit in the wind as it went up their noses.

31. Last time you cried? A few weeks ago i think

Anyone else want to do the meme we would like to read it so let us know

Release a moment with our children

2008-10-03T18:38:00.004+10:00

Yesterday we had a experience we still smile at today. Yesterdays blog was dark for us hatred and anger was feeding us but it was going unchecked we knew we were starting to fall back into being a victim all over again. We felt trapped by injustice and wanting release from it, we wanted answers to questions, questions people could give, question from mon that we wanted answers to, questions from our father we wanted answers to questions from our current therapist we wanted answers to questions from god we wanted answers to. All of these people were in the position to give us answers but for whatever choice they would not or could not. And we were getting angry, we knew it we felt it, someone inside even took to getting sledge hammer and starting to smash the mansion, rage was building. Then one sharp moment stopped it in its tracks.

It was a glorious day we had been iming to a friend who we are so glad to be talking to again and we went downstairs we got our kids lunch and something in us said go to the beach its an awesome warm day. A few days before we had got a trolley we could take down with us so armed with a blanket towels sunscreen and four out of five kids we settled for a warm spring day on the beach. Reading Harry Potter we allowed ourselves to relax to soak up the sun to watch our children as they giggled through trying on flippers and using a kick board and giggles as they threw the ball to each other. We sipped wine and realised how for this moment we felt happy, warmth like a sun shone into our system this was happy, this was what we never thought we would understand.

The longer we read and sat there (three hours in total) the more we released ourselves into the moment. This wasnt about anyone elses moment but our kids and ours. I dont think we realised until walking home how we must have released this anger to wherever it went, but suddenly it had gone. There are still issues that need to be addressed but the anger toward those people dissipated perhaps the suns rays sucked them up. But we understood that time was now our children's time yesterday cant be replaced the joy and freedom they have we have never known but we saw how easy it was for them to achieve it and for one proud moment we realised we had given it to them. We had allowed them to be happy, we didnt yell at their squeels their fun or their bickering we let them have their fun, we werent like our mum at all we had come into being a mum on our own, our mums shadow for that moment was disappeared because our children knew what happiness was and as we heard the gleeful cries of mum watch me and as we did we realised our children said that because they felt safe to do so they knew whatever they had to show us was right they had no fear.

we knew our progress cant rely upon other peoples answers they need to go on our own peace at our own answers to our own questions. We will try to sort out some things with other people but this will be a necessary part of our journey but ultimately we realised we were nothing like our mother because we were the one thing she never was and that is a mum.

Jip-etal

Anger

2008-10-02T10:51:00.003+10:00

Anyone who knows the process of anger will know exactly how much it can take out on you if you let it. We the last few days are feeling anger specific anger, anger at injustice and the unjust at perpetrators and the like. Of those who prey on the vulnerable and gain their trust only to hurt them over and over again. Who have no conscience of their behaviour because they live in a lie filled place where they can blame everyone else and get away with it. Where professionals can use their status to claim whatever they like, where manipulation can still be prevalent from the abusers long after you've got away from them. Yeh you bet we are angry.

todays session with Jane

2008-09-30T16:39:00.007+10:00

Todays focus was us growing up and photos, jane asked us last session to bring in photos of our childhood we have some not many but a few so we brought them in. As we went through them Jane asked so many questions, Noel was also there so here are some of our observances from a system holding their breath not believing Jane could possibly be the one to help us the next step of our journey.

The session started with jane saying how comfortable she felt with a third person in the room, Noel was able to share that he was enjoying learning more about us and we said thank god hes there because we arent alone with jane, now that isnt derogative its what we wanted, jane smiled and said she understood. Another reason we like Noel being there is because Jane doesnt understand a damn freakin word im sayin like fa real she looks at me like i got five eads an ten arms an noel gets the way i talk so im likin avin a bloke round case blokes get blokes like ya get that. ya see i neva got therapy with mon case wel case an now i rekon i got a chance ta have a crak at it xept poor jane don get a word im sayin so havin a bloke ther eases up the shit fa me.

Then we got to looking at photo albums and as we relaxed more we shared more of who we were in those pictures, some of it matter of factly some not, but all the time we were aware of Janes slow approach, she looked at each photo carefully and asked questions. Until finally we realised we had shared a lot and then a nine year old came out and talked, at first we sat and were prepared to drag her back in in case she got hurt but as we listened to Janes interaction with her we stepped back a bit further. Jane didnt do any miracles with this alter but she showed shes capable of interacting, and affirming that this alter was a good girl which she reiterated over and over.

We know we just want help with hurting alters with Jane but she proceeds as cautiously as we do, she knows how much these alters have lived in pain and the photos today showed that, as she flicked through sad photo after sad photo capturing sad little faces i know sadness hit her heart but in dignity she showed us she wanted to hear how we felt. So much so that another session is scheduled for next week so she can see the last of the photos. Today we remain as cautious as ever but with one more spark lit that Jane can help us, we finally feel we can open a new part of our life and get the gentle healing needed in the deepest corners of pain.

jip-etal

We didnt know how to proceed and now we do.

2008-09-27T06:06:00.005+10:00

********there is a reason for this picture, there is something in it that you need to look closely to find and its something we have been missing for a few years, can any of you work it out?*********

yesterday a hot northerly wind was blowing a gale at work, and we remained for the first time unreactionary. the wind not bothering us one little bit yet it must have blown 80 kms for about four hours and as we were stacking shelves our co worker came out and said are you going to be ok with this wind and we looked at her and said what wind. And it dawned on us why we are afraid of winds its because one wind is different to the other, a hot northerly is not as dangerous as a northwesterly change. And as we were pondering this new knowledge a little alters appeared internally and said yes thats cause mum liked cold winds to put us outside and tie us to trees and she would sit at the kitchen window and laugh like a lunatic, screaming at the tree to come crashing down on us. Surprisingly we had never heard this story before, wondering why we hadnt heard this story before, this alter whose five looked at us and said because you were so busy doing other therapy you forget the basic need for our therapy to.

The promptly flicked her pony tail and marched off. And as i thought about her comments i realised she was right, we had spent a few years doing solely spiritual therapy and little emotional and shes right our system is a little off balance because of it. Now dont get me wrong Mon did what she was best at as a therapist but in hindsight i think it might have been more prudent of us to have two therapists one for spiritual and one for emotional, anyway thats enough lamenting. The question we had to answer was now we knew that what were we going to do about it.

The answer was obvious go back to where we started and start again, find those who have been so neglected by years of waiting and give them the opportunity to talk about the mother from hell. I want to encourage all the alters to talk about mum and home, i guess nurturing them in that is part of our job. Letting Jane do her job we also will ldo ours, very conscious that flooding cant happen again we proceed with deep caution. Mon once said if we didnt get deeper healing then all we would do was just function, i wonder if perhaps shes right to some extent but also just functioning isnt exactly as i would put it. I think everyone needs a time of rest a chance to re asses and rejuvenate. for now we are keeping program's at bay and most memories on hold. I think thats because we didnt know how we wanted to proceed with Jane. We didn't want to go back to cult stuff we knew we needed far deeper emotional healing but we didnt know on what level and this alter coming forward has allowed us to see that whilst we journeyed the spiritual the emotional remained unchecked no wonder we are always so exhausted.

We see it like this imagine holding in a fart or a burp for two years imagine the pain you get in not to mention your physical health and well being and emotionally you are so in pain you forget so many things unable to focus. Then imagine one day you let out a biggest smelliest shittiest far or burp and all that pain is gone and you wonder what took you so long to get there, then you remembered you were so busy doing this and that you forgot how to do what comes naturally. Well thats how it must be now these alters need relieving of their pain so that is how we need to proceed with Jane, one bit at a time. What we did with mon was also valuable so dont me wrong but now its time for another season older and wiser, we will share the journey with you along the way.

Sa'de

A year it really is a year

2008-09-23T21:51:00.003+10:00

We were driving around today when we heard a alter inside saying never forget. And as i pulled into a carpark dejuvue happened. And in the put of our gut the sense of euphoria occurred. It was a year to the day since we fled to come down to save our life whilst mon was on holidays. It was a year to the day since we met Noel and later his wife, a year to the day that the town was gripped in grand Final fever, a year to the day that we knew we would come back to live a year to the day we truly started to hope.

So heres a year in cap.

Sept: - got through without mon

oct: - got through without scars

nov: - got through without death

dec : - got through with tears

jan: - got through with hope

feb: - got through with help

march:- started to live

april:- laughed a lot

may:- lived a lot

June : - started to get honest with ourselves

july:- started to question honesty in others

august:- started to know we will live

sept:- truly know we will live a good life.

Thankgod for celebrations can everyone hear the passion pop opening LOL

Not being able to tie up loose ends

2008-09-21T10:42:00.006+10:00

*****just for this blog we have put comment moderation on**********

We were lying in bed this morning after having a amazing day yesterday with our best friend and brand new bubba visiting, in a rare private moment between us when everyone was outside (i think at that stage we had 8 kids and six adults and it was chaos). She looked at us and said thanks for coming back and i looked at her oddly and she said the K i know is back, the person who shines and laughs and is honest and the person/people i grew up with. I looked at her as she started to cry i touched her shoulder and said we will try to not go that far away in depression and mind ever again. In that private moment between a friendship of 23 years she said what do you find the hardest to do what you did and are doing and as we thought the answer seemed so clear, tying up loose ends.

Thats always been a stumbling block for us, leaving the place we used to live we left as abruptly as this time. We didnt get a farewell party we didnt get the goodbyes, we didnt get anything but a fast departure. this time the same one minute we were there the next gone. Both times speed seemed to take essence over goodbyes. Goodbyes are what usually moves you from one place to another smoothly in the last few years we have failed to get that and so we often live with what ifs. Tying up loose ends in goodbyes is an important part of healing and moving o, but because we didnt get it we have to find other ways of nurturing the gap that the lack of closure didnt give.

Then there is the lack of closure over our marriage. having go wait twelve months before we can close a house out and a marriage is frustrating. We know we will Be getting divorced but according to the state we need twelve months to think about changing our mind. This is hard because in our heart we have tied up loose ends but legally we cant.

Then there is a changeover of therapists, usually changeovers happen because of one therapist taking you as far as they can go but in our case some of our leaving therapy was because the pain of staying was proving too hard. but again loose ends remain, having not had the chance to ask some questions we would like to know we are left pondering the answers. As we go into a new therapy because the old one wasnt completed correctly we have more questions than answers, the wall ID up and we wait for her to make mistakes. I think i understand why closing out therapy in a healthy way gives you far greater control over new therapy practices than doing it the other way. Closure i feel has been not given so we are trying to close therapy out with mon our way, our way because we have no other way. Tying up therapy loose ends is a bugger.

For us tying up loose ends is important but if we cant do it we treat the person or people or circumstances as a death. In our mind if we cant find closure we close it out in our mind by trying to remember them like they arent alive. Its a terrible way of treating non closure but it is also a dissociative way of not having clear understanding of what to do when something is finished that hasn't been completed correctly. So as we try and sort out closure we sit wondering how do you know when real closure has occur ed.

Jip-etal